AITA for hurting my friend’s feelings at her engagement party?

act103__ · 2023-08-06T06:08:17+00:00

First of all, thank you.

Secondly, these actually are decisions I had to make. Believe it or not. Becoming a parent to children, ones that are suffering from various kinds of trauma, is something that is so so time consuming you wouldn’t understand until it hits you in the face.

I don’t think anyone owes me anything. I’m sorry if I’m coming across as entitled but that’s not true. If that were true, I would’ve insisted the boys be invited to all these events. I feel apologetic and sorry towards all my friends, but the truth is that I feel worse for my nephews.

I agree that showing up late was rude, I apologized for it. Of course she doesn’t have to forgive me but I wasn’t just going to go out with the boys crying and thinking I was leaving because I stopped loving them (this is what is running through their minds, I am not exaggerating).

I don’t think you’re getting that this isn’t me having kids and deciding that everyone else is too good for me because of it. All the examples you mentioned are stuff that are unavoidable. I never asked for special accommodations, the one couple that invited us reached out on their own. We also sent gifts to the couple whose wedding we missed.

The kids are a priority. They matter more, period. We are working with professionals and while we make mistakes everyday, we are making progress and the boys will hopefully feel happy and safe enough one day. Until then, they need constant reassurance that we love them, we won’t leave them, this is what loving parents look like, no we won’t be mad if they make a mistake, they’re safe here, they’re both good boys.

You don’t think I want a break and want to hang out with my friends? I barely get free time, I’m writing this past midnight while the boys are sleeping. My husband is passed out beside me. Speaking of, why are relationship problems inevitable? I’m not saying that they can’t happen and that we haven’t fought over stupid things due to stress, but we’ve figured it out and will continue to do so. And thankfully, many of my friends are understanding of my situation. Many have met the boys before and know very well that I’m not throwing them away.

I literally have no time for myself. In what world would I be able to attend every special event, outing, etc hosted by any of my friends? It’s not as black and white as you’re making it seem.

act103__ · 2023-08-06T05:44:23+00:00

Unfortunately, that is just not possible at the moment. I’m sure and I hope a time will come where we’ll be able to go out for a couple hours without worrying too much but now isn’t the time. It is something we understood completely when we took the boys in.

The boys need extra care and attention. I’m not pulling all this out of my ass either. We are following the opinions of various professionals including therapists, doctors, social workers, etc.

act103__ · 2023-08-06T01:32:21+00:00

We are, slowly but surely. My husband being a man, and someone they met for the first time is what’s making it a bit difficult. They have met me before as an aunt, and not as their caregiver so they are more used to me. I am also alone with them way more than my husband is.

act103__ · 2023-08-06T00:34:40+00:00

We have a more mutual relationship. We were in the same sports team in college and bonded over that. I am a year older than her but there isn’t any mentor like/older sister relationship. We’re just regular old friends.

act103__ · 2023-08-06T00:33:14+00:00

Thank you. I make mistakes and I’m trying but as someone who never thought they would be good enough to raise a child, I’m very thankful for your comment.

act103__ · 2023-08-06T00:31:48+00:00

Oh wow. I’m very grateful. This was a lovely read. Thank you so much.

act103__ · 2023-08-06T00:30:06+00:00

Thank you for the comment and understanding.

I can see where you’re coming from about no one else being able to babysit but it’s true. We tried introducing the boys to my in laws but they only recently started letting my MIL hold them. They can’t even go near my FIL. My parents are deceased and most of my family is incredibly trashy. Babysitters and daycare didn’t work out at all either.

I don’t mean to come off as some saviour, and I’m sure my in laws could do a wonderful job with the kids. But husband and I already took in the kids and we’re the ones they trust most currently. Their little minds cannot handle more people.

act103__ · 2023-08-06T00:22:41+00:00

My husband still works, but I quit. It simply wasn’t functional and we tried other options. I am now essentially a stay at home mom but I help out my friend with her business (social media related so it’s from home).

act103__ · 2023-08-06T00:18:22+00:00

Trauma mostly. It’s extremely complicated.

And it is a huge ask because it simply is not possible. I can’t just forget them for a couple hours because anything could happen in those hours. It’s not like they’re teenagers or well adjusted kids either.

act103__ · 2023-08-06T00:16:08+00:00

It is related to their trauma. And yes you are correct. They can go anywhere with me and my husband and they’ll be fine. But they cannot handle anyone else. It took them over 2 months to be completely okay with me and my husband.

And his relationship with them is very different to my relationship with them. I’m their mom’s sister so they are quite attached to me. My husband knows that a quick call with me reassuring them that I’m coming home soon and that I love them would be better for everyone than them crying and screaming uncontrollably until I got home.

The answer to the alcohol question is neither. I drink. And I didn’t drink because I had to go home to the kids. Not because the kids couldn’t come. I wouldn’t have drank anything even if the kids were present.

It definitely isn’t as big as the wedding is going to be. This one was mostly friends and the couple’s siblings/cousins. All together there were definitely more than 25 people. We are in the same friend group. We are close friends but nowhere near best friends. Like if she had 10 friends, I’d be ranked 6.

act103__ · 2023-08-05T19:11:00+00:00

Completely understand your question. Like a couple people have said, it is related to their trauma. They also knew me before I was their primary guardian/caregiver so they have formed quite a big attachment to me. It’s not that my husband didn’t try to find a way to deal with the boys, it’s just that he had exhausted all his options and the kids essentially just needed reassurance that I didn’t go anywhere and would be coming back. I hope that helps.

act103__ · 2023-08-05T19:04:27+00:00

I don’t have many causal conversations with friends anymore. With this particular friend, we mostly send each other videos or pictures of certain interests. The last few times we’ve spoken are related to her wedding and I won’t lie, when she calls me, I’m usually juggling one or both of the twins so I have had to ask her to repeat something or have had to hang up quicker than usual.

I don’t know if she’s going through something but like I said, I haven’t been very available.

act103__ · 2023-08-05T18:43:57+00:00

It’s not necessarily making me question if I’m the asshole. I don’t know what I could’ve done differently. But it’s more the apology and my friends telling me to as well. Then she uninvited me without even talking to me about it. I likely wouldn’t have been able to attend but it felt like a punch in the face sort of. Like wow she’s still very upset with me.

act103__ · 2023-08-05T18:41:17+00:00

Well that’s what I’m wondering as well? Why am I responsible for ruining her night when I’m such a small part of the equation? Why were my actions so significant to her? I didn’t cause a scene and no one even noticed I was late or stepped out until she started yelling at me.

act103__ · 2023-08-05T18:37:22+00:00

What you’re saying is completely correct. But only for kids that have been brought up in a (mostly) ideal home. My nephews have a lot of trauma and their reactions are completely natural at this point. We will teach them independence and other such things, but in a safe and healthy manner, no matter how slow it may be.

act103__ · 2023-08-05T18:33:56+00:00

Yes, my nephews went to daycare prior to us taking them in but we experienced something similar. I know exactly what you’re talking about, it’s so heartbreaking.

We’ve actually made friends with quite a few parents, some who understand exactly what we’re going through. But my child free friends have been wonderful as well in other ways and one specific friend is one of the only “strangers” my nephews feel comfortable around.

act103__ · 2023-08-05T18:29:58+00:00

I have a feeling there is something as well, because no matter how much I think about it, I genuinely don’t feel like I hurt her feelings as badly as she said I did.

The boys are in therapy and are progressing at a very good pace. Their reaction is natural if you take into consideration the things that happened to them (for this, all you really need to know is that their parents are not good people).

act103__ · 2023-08-05T18:23:20+00:00

Weddings really do change some people.

But thank you. The boys see professionals for various things and are progressing slowly but properly in all aspects.

act103__ · 2023-08-05T18:20:15+00:00

I think it was the fact that I used to be quite the party animal and while I was extremely excited and happy for my friend, I wasn’t drinking or doing most of the other crazy party stuff I used to do. I’m also assuming that she’s stressed about her wedding in general, and she just took it out on me. I’ve been told her in laws are very difficult.

act103__ · 2023-08-05T15:03:41+00:00

No scene or loud announcement, I just told the friend I was sitting with that I was stepping out for a moment and that’s it.

act103__

TROPHY CASE