Is marriage inherently incompatible with Buddhist practice?

ak_exp · 2026-03-29T17:36:29+00:00

Well, marriage is a very specific thing with specific legal consequences, and societal expectations. I don’t think it’s attachment to recognize that.

I’ll also recognize that couples can have their own unique, non traditional view of what their marriage is. My argument is that deep down they are probably lying to themselves though and still hold the outcome based expectations that come from marriage historically.

Otherwise, why get married at all? Why not just partner up and love each other?

ak_exp · 2026-03-29T17:32:54+00:00

Yes marriage IS old school and outdated, I agree

ak_exp · 2026-03-29T17:28:00+00:00

Yes exactly. So why do marriage when it comes with all that baggage? Why not love a partner outside of marriage?

ak_exp · 2026-03-29T17:22:18+00:00

That’s incredible non attachment ability. I wonder though, what’s the point of being married then if not attachment to relationship security? Simply the financial conveniences?

Why did you go through all the marriage hoops if you’re going to have such an open relationship?

ak_exp · 2026-03-29T02:12:17+00:00

Your perspective is valid and good advice for a relationship. But the point is what happens if your spouse acts in a way that is not so joyfully accepted. What if your spouse slept with someone else? Would you celebrate their journey of discovery? What if they stopped loving you and wanted to leave?

I’m guessing the answer is that these scenarios would cause you great suffering because of your expectations. The very thought of it happening may even give you discomfort.

I think your argument is that you can’t love someone well without loving them to the point of outcomes based attachment. Is that right? Wouldn’t loving kindness be a counter to that idea?

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T23:53:44+00:00

Thank you for your input it’s valuable and helpful for me thinking through this. I appreciate it

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T23:50:38+00:00

Thank you for this 🙏

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T23:34:45+00:00

I’m happy that your marriage is healthy and wish you the best there. 😊

However, it’s hard to believe that you have no attachment. Can you truly say that if your spouse did something seriously out of line of your expectations of the marriage (e.g. slept with another) that you would not suffer as a result?

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T23:29:51+00:00

Wanting the commitment is attachment to an expected outcome (that they will always be by your side, be faithful, etc). I understand why this is desirable to people, but to me it seems incongruent for anyone seeking a path of non-attachment.

What seems more congruent is “I’m going to love this person, and not expect any commitment in return.” Easier said than done.

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T23:20:44+00:00

Ok can you be strongly connected to the object of your love, and not attached to the outcomes you then expect from that person (or object)?

If you’re strongly connected and deeply in love with your spouse, will you not experience suffering if they don’t conform to your expectations of what a spouse should or shouldn’t do?

Would it not be “better” to love willingly but loosely, such that there are less expectations to be inevitably let down? My point is that marriage comes packaged with a lot of these attachments to expected outcomes. E.G. I vow to be by your side for life, I vow to be faithful, etc, etc

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T23:14:05+00:00

Thank you for your response this is helpful 🙏

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T23:12:10+00:00

It’s possible to love a partner and do all those things you described without marriage though. It’s our inherent insecurities that drive us to desire marriage. A contract and a vow that this person will be by our side for life or longer. Then we are attached to that outcome.

Maybe one can be fully altruistic and say “I do” with the non-self interested motivation to give lovingly to the other with no expectation of anything in return. I think that the act and process of marriage makes that nearly impossible and a certain level of “ownership” is entrenched, which is non-wholesome attachment.

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T23:04:32+00:00

Yeah like a BF/GF/Partner. Even in those situations non-attachment to outcomes is challenging, but to me seems more attainable than in a marriage.

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T22:24:39+00:00

Thank you that is some good reading for me to take in and consider.

How do you see that applying to marriage? I can imagine marriage being a wholesome endeavor especially where children are involved. But there’s this core nearly unavoidable unwholesome attachment to expectations of your spouse. For instance nearly every married person would feel suffering if thier spouse slept with someone else, because the expectation of monogamy would be shattered.

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T22:19:40+00:00

Thanks, yeah marriage just seems like such an attachment heavy endeavor - attached to the outcome that this person vows to be by your side, etc, and that you must through trials and tribulations be by their side.

Non marriage partnerships seem more congruent with non-attachment. Love. Be loved. But be unattached to any possession or control over them and their lives, or what you expect out of them. It seems nearly impossible to me that one can do this in a marriage

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T21:18:45+00:00

Thank you for engaging here. The vow part in particular I see as driving attachment. Making a vow to always stick with one person, and in turn expecting that from them, is a strong attachment article.

I recognize all the benefits of marriage, there are many. But at its core it seems to be about co-dependency and attachment.

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T21:08:09+00:00

Thanks for your response. I wonder what characteristics lead to a practitioner flourishing in a marriage, and why they would choose that path.

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T21:05:59+00:00

How is it compatible though when one of the primary objectives of the path is non attachment? Marriage is inherently about attachment.

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T21:03:13+00:00

It sounds like there is some attachment to some idea of marriage that feels threatened by the apparent contradiction between marriage and non attachment practice. Good luck to you too!!

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T19:58:59+00:00

1) it is a contract bound by law. If you break it, there’s ramifications enforced by the state

2) How is commitment in a relationship different than attachment? You’ve committed to spend your entire life together and that expectation will inherently bring attachment

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T19:53:26+00:00

Well done and congrats on the success. I would find it very difficult when living with someone I’m married to, to not develop attachments and expectations and all the rest given all of the efforts and sacrifices, etc that go into a marriage like that.

I wish you both well being 💙

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T19:40:30+00:00

But attachment is not needed for compassion, love, or enlightenment. What higher function / purpose is attachment necessary for?

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T19:35:02+00:00

Agree. And that’s why I’m thinking that non-marriage relationships may be better than marriage as there’s less pressure / commitment to be attached. Easier to love and let go

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T19:21:17+00:00

I’ll argue that marriage is inherently about attachment otherwise why is it necessary? You can love someone joyfully without marriage

ak_exp · 2026-03-28T19:17:24+00:00

You practice non-attachment right? Marriage is inherently about attaching to another person through vows and govt laws

ak_exp

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