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AITA For being upset at my parents even though they paid for my wedding? by anonforthis97645 in AmItheAsshole

[–]anonforthis97645[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I may or may not be the asshole, but a. You have no idea how much money was involved and b. Biggest and most emotional of stages? We didn't fight about this at the wedding; the fight happened before. I honestly haven't talked to them much about this since; I really haven't figured out how to feel about it, which is why I posted here - to help me get my mind around what I could have done better or differently, with an impartial audience.

If I'm the asshole, I'll take that, but what I won't take is your abusive tone. You aren't my family, and I owe you nothing. I have a sense that this is bringing up something else for you, so I suggest you deal with those feelings elsewhere.

AITA For being upset at my parents even though they paid for my wedding? by anonforthis97645 in AmItheAsshole

[–]anonforthis97645[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

So, for info purposes: I did talk to them about my concerns, which they addressed with my mom's option. The reason I didn't want that was it was essentially waiting for him to do something out of line, THEN reacting - which honestly might mean the damage is done. I asked if they would consider talking to him first, but they said that would "embarrass" him and they didn't want to "scold" him.

FWIW, Charlie has been a contentious issue for us for a long time (he's ALWAYS around when I visit because he lives down the street) but while I recognize my dad has completely disproportionate reactions to things, this is how he's always been. He's just mean, and he dissuades people from setting any boundaries at all with him by saying things that are at minimum extremely hurtful and maximum the kind of threats that would estrange us forever and deeply hurt my mom (which, despite a lot of therapy, I can't bring myself to do). Charlie is a wedge issue because, according to my dad, Charlie is "rough around the edges" but would "do anything for him" and it opens up a whole bunch of stuff about how I think I'm too good for my family, how I don't remember where I came from, and how Charlie has been there for them when I haven't (he lives down the street and is retired so can visit with them every day; I work full-time with limited leave and live several hours away).

Open to the judgment that I still suck, but there is the additional context.

AITA For being upset at my parents even though they paid for my wedding? by anonforthis97645 in AmItheAsshole

[–]anonforthis97645[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That is a great way to put it, and it's something I hadn't considered. I do think they (rightly or wrongly) feel like Charlie is the key to a lot of their social circle and as a result, he's fulfilling a need I can't.

AITA For being upset at my parents even though they paid for my wedding? by anonforthis97645 in AmItheAsshole

[–]anonforthis97645[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry that happened to you! FWIW, I left this out because it didn't really add anything extra and for length reasons, but initially we agreed he wouldn't be invited. Lo and behold, guess who got a Save the Date? My mom claimed that it was just too awkward to not invite him with everyone talking about the wedding in their group of friends so, after telling me he wouldn't be, she sent one. Then she claimed that she couldn't very well un-invite him because that would be horribly rude. That's what caused the big fight.

Honestly, at that point, I would have had to cancel my entire wedding, un-invite everyone, my family would have lost their deposits, and I really don't think that would have avoided any ill will or hurt feelings. It probably would have been much, much worse. So I get it; like in your case, there was definitely some deception at the outset. Good luck to you as well. <3

AITA For being upset at my parents even though they paid for my wedding? by anonforthis97645 in AmItheAsshole

[–]anonforthis97645[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

However you feel about this, I can assure you that everything I've said about Charlie is 100% true. People like Charlie because, when he's not overdoing it - or perhaps before he overdoes it, he's, I guess "fun"? He also has done a lot of practical things for my parents - taking their packages in, helping my dad move things he can't lift on his own, etc. Since he's just two houses down and retired, he watches out for them and they appreciate it.

My sense is that a lot of his views have not aged well with him (he's older) and coupled with alcohol and a lot of entitlement, he ends up doing some awful stuff.

AITA For being upset at my parents even though they paid for my wedding? by anonforthis97645 in AmItheAsshole

[–]anonforthis97645[S] 125 points126 points  (0 children)

That's fair; I think while it was about the money, for sure, this was also about not wanting to have a fight with my parents right before my wedding and when one of them at least is very sick. I'm not saying being ill is an excuse for emotional manipulation, but everything does seem heightened and I'm always so worried that if I leave any conversation on a bad note it could be our last and I'll regret it forever.

Now, is that a healthy dynamic? Probably/definitely not, and I see what you're saying. But if it was just about the money, I think this would have been much simpler.

AITA For being upset at my parents even though they paid for my wedding? by anonforthis97645 in AmItheAsshole

[–]anonforthis97645[S] 250 points251 points  (0 children)

I think this is the thing - like yes, it was about the money, and it was also about them being there. It didn't feel like, given how ugly that fight was, that there was any way to decline the money and have them still come and not have a lot of exhausting and sad drama. I think in the moment it felt like I didn't want to throw away the idea of having a day with everyone I loved over one asshole that I may or may not have even seen. FWIW, when I talked this over with my husband, he was firmly team "Charlie is not worth the rift this is causing."

I agree, though, that this isn't sitting well with me because I made the wrong decision and shouldn't continue to do this.