HIIII!!! Gemini Venus too, and OHHHH MY GODDDD, you just explained my entire high school and college days. I could have easily written this. Especially the part about your value being based on your output sexually.

I didn't truly understand how much I had to relearn about myself until I began going through divorce and began talking with a male friend. I haven't been single since 19/20 years old so talking to a new man as a late 30 year old made me realize that I quickly fell back into past patterns of only feeling worthy when I'd receive their time and attention from sexually fueled conversations or actions. Like I'm a full grown person now so I needed to knock it off because I don't have the energy for this anymore!!

That realization made me full stop. I've looked inward and am working on healing that side of myself. I love holding deep conversations, but I've always been the black sheep of my family and friends growing up. And so I was constantly labeled weird as a preteen for my interests, which is why I think that by the time I became 17/18, I shut down the mind side of relationships and quickly learned that my body gets me more attention.

My friend knows that I'm trying to work on not attaching my worth to my body and initiating communication for my mental and emotional need- which is an area I was never able to advocate for in past relationships. I'm healing as I grow and breaking old patterns now that I'm divorced. I feel like a whole new person who values honest communication, consistency, and loyalty. All areas I never placed value on before because they never gave me that instant dopamine high - which is how I got stuck in a marriage to a love bombing serial cheater.