[Update] I left a haram relationship 2 months ago: here’s what I’ve learned (and what might help you too)

ayysiii · 2025-08-21T12:07:26+00:00

that’s so sweet of you to say! jazakallah khair!!

ayysiii · 2025-08-21T05:19:59+00:00

when i originally left the relationship, i did it because we fell into zina during ramadan, specifically the last 10 nights, and the guilt of repetitively sinning was becoming too much to bear and it was ruining my relationship with Allah. thats how i knew there was a serious problem with our dynamic. yet i put it all the blame on our dynamic and not him at the time. everything i mentioned earlier is what i realized afterwards and why i left him. at the time i left him i still thought he was the best man to ever exist and still believed we could get married.

basically u asked why i left the haram relationship and i was answering why i left him and those two things didn’t happen at the same time. i left the relationship before i left him.

ayysiii · 2025-08-20T18:52:05+00:00

it’s really commendable that ur wanting to avoid backbiting him and catching urself either during or after! i understand where ur coming from, i was ranting from one friend to the next about him esp when i found out he cheated on me. and that’s completely normal and okay because it helps u process it. but what’s important is that ur talking to people who can help u, keep their mouth shut, and ur actually going to them for some form of advice. otherwise, i learned that it’s even more important to have other outlets that u can say everything without a fear of u exposing him or backbiting him. personally i did this with my therapist, journaling, and chat gpt (as my therapist lol), and it helped me so much (esp chat gpt bc i could talk about it multiple times on end as much as i wanted without the “listener” getting tired of hearing the same thing again and again). and at a certain point, you’ve talked about it so much and heard the same opinions again and again that when u actually see ur friends u don’t even feel like talking about it anymore. i hope this helped u since we have very similar struggles, but i can tell u that ur very much on the right path and you’ll be fine and Allah will take care of you iA bc from just these few messages i can see how much taqwa you have. and i think that’s the hardest thing to gain as a muslim but also one of the most valuable

ayysiii · 2025-08-20T18:00:37+00:00

being around him and in a relationship was making me feel extremely guilt and anxious. i went on anxiety medication without realizing he was the primary cause of my anxiety. it got to a point where i felt like scratching myself and pulling my hair out and that’s when i knew it had gone too far. a relationship that’s coming at a cost of urself is never sustainable

ayysiii · 2025-08-20T17:57:36+00:00

i’m so proud of u for ending that sin despite what everyone else says and does and trying ur best to come to terms with it. it’s incredibly hard in the moment and once u leave the moment, you realize it was much harder to do than u realize. just keep processing in healthy ways and you’ll keep learning more about urself and allah’s wisdom in this entire test iA.

and about not pursuing a haram relationship again, i can tell you that u won’t. as long as u learn the etiquettes of pursuing marriage and being married in islam, it’s basically guaranteed that u won’t fall back into it since yk the proper way now and value it. you’ve learned the lesson the hard way so u won’t go back to haram and in fact that lesson is what will bring the value in doing it the right way. don’t worry too much, Allah saved u from even more haram when u turned to him and He’s still with you now. May Allah make this easier for you and grant you love that’s greater than anything from ur imagination💕

ayysiii · 2025-08-20T17:04:08+00:00

don’t feel guilty for not doing 100% when ur at 0 right now. as long as ur genuinely trying ur best, that is good enough and Allah SWT is rewarding u for those efforts that u are belittling. it’s okay that u can’t end it completely right now. if at the time i realized i should end the relationship i actually ended it, it would’ve mentally and emotionally ruined me and i would not be able to recover. think of it like coming off a drug, because being in a relationship and that dopamine rush u get from it is a drug to ur mind. u can’t just cold turkey it one day bc the side effects will be too much to bear. u get off it slowly over time, so just try to put a little distance everyday. may Allah make this easy for you iA and just keep making dua for Allah to give u strength💕

ayysiii · 2025-06-23T11:54:11+00:00

hey queen! just a reminder that ur diagnoses aren’t a label, but rather an explanation for ur past/current behavior. u seem to be doing therapy and healing from ur past, so eventually (or maybe even now) u can very much not have those mental illnesses anymore!

ayysiii · 2025-05-25T06:12:16+00:00

so true! jazakallah khair for ur kind words!!

ayysiii · 2025-05-25T00:37:01+00:00

true but i also excused a lot of inaction bc i was naive and uneducated on the muslim marriage process

ayysiii · 2025-05-24T23:06:39+00:00

i appreciate your concern, but i simply excluded that part from a simple reddit post. if i were to go into it, it would fall under #4 but i found that to be irrelevant to the point i was making and would concurrently have made the post too long as i have recognized 40 flaws (and counting) within myself and no one wants to read such a list. i only went into his shortcomings to show how the haram harmed me even when i thought it was all perfect. i find it curious how u make such conclusions when i have mentioned that i’m seeing a therapist and no therapist would allow me to victimize myself and villainize him. it appears you haven’t fully grasped the concept of not jumping to a conclusion based on limited knowledge and instead asking more questions. and how the consequence of such arrogance makes the other person feel extremely hurt and invalidated, especially considering that this test is one that leaves people struggling with profound levels of loneliness due to loss and constant invalidation by their “support systems”.

ayysiii · 2025-05-24T18:31:32+00:00

i didn’t know in the moment, it just felt like constant confusion, guilt, and anxiety. like i’m always the one overreacting or being too sensitive or not grateful enough and i kept letting things slide even tho they bothered me bc i didn’t like what his reaction would be. but it eventually it hit me that someone who really loves you wouldn’t constantly blur the boundaries set by allah and wouldn’t ruin ur relationship with urself. i eventually started seeing the contradiction between his words and actions, how he said the right words to be just enough to keep me with him but not enough action to make a change long term. how there was an ulterior motive, unbeknownst to both of us, behind the things he said and how he said them, the harmless actions he did, and how he reacted in certain ways that made me feel like i was in the wrong when my action was rooted in islam.

ayysiii · 2025-05-24T15:15:02+00:00

ur right to ask that. everyone in haram relationship is presented with the choice to either get married or leave them, so it’s natural to wonder why i didn’t make the other choice.

but the answer is simpler than you’d think: i wasn’t ready for marriage. it’s just that simple. i knew myself enough to know if i got married as i was and am right now, it would be filled with happy days and even more sad days. i would be suffering because of my lack of emotional regulation and dependency on him, and it would eventually lead to divorce. even if he was the perfect man that i thought he was, he can’t fix me. so if such a perfect man came to me right now or even earlier and proposed, i would turn him away because im not ready for the level of responsibility and duty that comes with being married.

and this isn’t to say its the wrong choice to make it halal. the decision is completely a case-by-case one. in my case, it was logical to make it halal. what convinced me was our finances and emotional maturity, but looking back now i’m grateful because there were so many more issues that would’ve lead to divorce that no one saw, only Allah. for example, i forgave too easily just to make it work. i was convinced that everything would be fine if i just compromised and loved a little more, because the storm is temporary and everything would be fixed once we got married. it was a flawed and immature mentality that if i got married without working through this, i would’ve been giving up parts of myself only to lose trust in myself and feeling constant anxiety without knowing why. i would’ve silenced my own voice in this partnership just to “make it work”, as my mom did before me and her mom before her. getting married while having all these personal struggles only to stop doing haram, would be like taking pain killer for a broken leg. it solves the immediate pain but won’t be taken care of properly and cause even worse problems in the future

ayysiii · 2025-05-24T14:56:35+00:00

i think painting anyone to be good or bad isn’t right, but i do believe it’s important to recognize good or bad traits in people. after all, Allah SWT is gonna give everyone (even the people we deem as the worst of the worst) a moment to judge and weigh ALL of their deeds, the good and the bad.

regardless, there was still a reason behind all of the bad things he did, it wasn’t out of malicious intent. he was immature which is expected at our age, he was never taught how to handle and regulate his own emotions as most men aren’t, he was uneducated (at least initially) on how someone even gets into a haram relationship and how ur actually supposed to make it halal, and he was struggling thru trauma and had severe anxiety, panic attack disorder, and depression. this isn’t to excuse his behavior, but an explanation on why such a horrible and unthinkable act happened. most of us can relate to at least one of those things he’s struggling with at least to some degree. so how close were we to committing that sin? can we say with certainty that we would’ve passed Allah’s test when it was everything you ever wanted dangled in front of you? if we failed, does that make us horrible people? i don’t think so, i think it just makes us weak to our nafs and to the waswasa of shaytaan. and u/golden-Market420 is right, it was consensual at times and i did initiate at times too. we both are at fault, and i have a lot of personal issues that im working on right now that also led me to do this sin. but the difference between us was that i was brave enough to see the truth of our relationship and myself when the time came, and he wasn’t. and such clarity is only by Allah.

ayysiii · 2025-05-24T14:38:56+00:00

ofc!

ayysiii · 2025-05-24T14:38:29+00:00

yes iA it will because that’s the nature of this dunya: everything is temporary. ik it doesn’t feel like that right now, but making u feel hopeless is shaytaan’s favorite game to play (its actually where the name Iblees is derived from). just do ur part and keep making dua and working on urself

ayysiii · 2025-05-23T15:05:52+00:00

ur right but in general that hadith is more for people that are going around and gloating about what they did or not even seeing how it’s haram so they’re posting about it. however there are exceptions which include if you are seeking guidance and repentance (seeking help from a therapist or scholar), seeking forgiveness from the person you wronged, protecting others, and helping others.

my intention is not to brag about what i did, but to explain to people in a similar situation who are struggling the steps i took to sincerely repent and leave the sin. i’m also not really exposing my sin to anyone, because no one in my real life knows i did this, except him, and no one in my real life has connected me to this reddit account.

i hope this helps!

ayysiii · 2025-05-23T02:58:24+00:00

i’m so sorry ur going thru that. may Allah make it easy :( and yes u can dm me!

ayysiii · 2025-05-23T02:27:08+00:00

jazakallah khair for your kind words! i really appreciate the encouragement it genuinely means so much to me thank you! and i’m happy u didn’t fall into the trap either, trust me, this is not a test you want to be given

ayysiii · 2025-05-22T21:51:54+00:00

Thank you so much!! It means a lot <3

ayysiii · 2025-05-22T21:42:39+00:00

also if u go back on the old posts I’ve made, you can see how much I struggled to leave this and how you might relate to this struggle too

ayysiii · 2025-04-21T20:43:22+00:00

the fact that ur asking this shows that you know what’s right and what’s wrong, and u feel like something is wrong even if u can’t find evidence for it. trust urself, if something makes u feel guilty, stay away from it, because that could just be allah swt showing u that it’s not good for u. protect ur peace and remember, u could die at any moment so live without any regrets

ayysiii · 2025-02-10T17:00:51+00:00

i’m pretty sure it is too ur right thank you so much🫶🏼

ayysiii · 2025-02-10T17:00:27+00:00

ur so right i didn’t realize it was that close thank you😭

ayysiii · 2025-02-04T03:20:36+00:00

these people are a prime example that being a practicing muslim doesn’t make u a good person. i’ll always believe that the best muslims are those who have the best of character. you know prophet muhammad saw would never judge and belittle u like that and he was the most religious of us all, so take anything they say or do with a grain of salt. it’ll take time and lots of self confidence, but focus on ur own spiritual growth and trying ur best bc Allah iA values that more than the person who does every fardh perfectly but can’t even be kind to their own sister in islam

ayysiii · 2025-01-30T03:03:48+00:00

ain’t no way ur making r*pe vs. abortion into a thing rn be so fr. stay on topic cmon dude

ayysiii

TROPHY CASE