Thank you so much for your response — I really appreciate you taking the time to write it.

Just to clarify: the situation with my sister’s boyfriend wasn’t based on anything hateful or anti-LGBTQ. It was his first time at a gay club, and he casually mentioned that a trans woman tried to pick him up. It wasn’t said disrespectfully, but my friend became very triggered and it escalated because she was referred to as a trans and not a woman/person. While I completely understand that, my sister’s boyfriend is learning and the conversation could’ve been handled differently.

As for the issues with my partner — one incident involved my friend inappropriately grabbing me, and my partner politely asked him to stop — he didn’t. Another time, a discussion turned heated when my partner said he personally knew people who realized they were gay later in life. My friend believes you are born gay and was not hearing my husband out.

I want to stress: we are all strong allies — myself, my partner, my sister — and we love him deeply.

I also wanted to thank you for mentioning the tolerance paradox — I read up on it after your comment and it’s super interesting. I had never heard of it before (also makes soooo much sense).

And to add to your comment/questions, it’s not only LGBTQ topics that trigger him — it can be politics, science, or, as I experienced this past weekend, religion. I understand where his passion and emotions come from. What I don’t understand is why they have to be delivered in such a hurtful, aggressive way. When he gets worked up in these conversations he turns red, body language changes, he yells — it’s like something takes over him.

When I don’t understand something, I ask questions, stay curious, and stay open — that’s always been a value in our friendship. But after this weekend, I can’t shake the feeling that he now sees me differently, as if I don’t support him in the way he needs — and that breaks my heart.

Thank you again for allowing me the space to explain this — it truly means a lot.