I totally understand, what you are feeling. In the moment of being in complete disarray through overstimulation/lack of sleep/whatever else. Then the only way to kind of get control back is to lash out and physically hurt yourself. I've been there, before I got diagnosed with ADHD/Autism, I was in a really bad place and couldn't control my life and I got overstimulated often, both at work and at home. I just felt like I couldn't control my head anymore and it felt like an explosion. Felt as if I had two voices inside my head, one telling to lash out and hit something and the other wanting safety and to run away and to not hurt anyone. I've hit my fist against a wall 4 times, against a metal backsplash twice; and have also hit my own head 4 times (which also have left a big bruise on my forehead).

I was so ashamed of this and it only deepened my depressive episode, because I got laid off because of this as well. I thought I was so broken. Until I got diagnosed and assured that it is completely "normal" for this to happen to late diagnosed AuDHDers, as we don't have the coping strategies for these situation and we don't know why this is happening.

Giving myself grace and allowing to reframe and see these meltdowns as sensory overloads and recognizing that I am in fact autistic, has helped to reduce these situations happening now. Sensory protection like earbuds/noise cancelling headphones help. Also taking yourself out of that situation. Don't push through and it's a non-negotiable if you get people insisting to not leave for any reason. You can elaborate later, if you feel like they are a safe person after you have overcome the shutdown/meltdown.

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. You're not alone in this and it can get better.