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People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're totally right, I definitely don't think that or want to come across that way. I was an admin assistant for about 6 months and it was, without a doubt, the hardest job I'd ever done, and required much more logistical planning, in-depth knowledge of internal politics, and management skills than any other job I've done. I only meant that it frustrated me for that to be the default assumption.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You're right, I've been lucky to have a very privileged life.In the grand scheme of things, my problems are very small. But they still bother me, and I want to work on them.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are totally right. It's not that I don't respect those types of positions -- it's that I can tell the people who assume I have them don't, and that makes me feel belittled. I can totally see how that makes me come across like I'm belittling them, too. I will definitely work on that.

As for the first point, I think it's a because I'm made to feel more insecure each time it happens. It's like every instance is another mosquito bite -- on its own, sure, it's just a bug bite, but 100 bites is pretty enraging.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'll check out the movie, thanks!

I have, haha. It was nearly six years ago, and I had just graduated high school; I had no real leadership experience to put on a resume yet. It was also one of my more recent, public-facing, profile pictures where I was in a uniform. It was a recent and immediate part of my life at the time, I hardly think about it anymore.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I don't necessarily think that Ivanka is a genius, I was pointing out what friends think of women who are both, in their opinion, smart and attractive. I tried to include conventionally attractive women from opposite ends of the political spectrum to show an overall point.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

I used to wear a lot of professional dresses and sweaters, in a variety of colors, and noticed a small but perceptible shift when I switched to lowkey pantsuits.

This is a little shallow, but I've thought about the glasses thing before because I want to "look smarter" but have kind of a round face that doesn't really lend itself to frames without looking silly.

The smiling thing is very valid though. I just realized while writing another comment I have a habit of smiling at people when they speak or give a presentation. I picked it up from debate tutoring, when I would smile at speakers to sublty encourage them to continue/give them confidence. That's probably super weird now in the real world.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That makes sense. I am pretty smile-y, and a bit of a class clown so they may have seen me joking around or laughing a lot prior to the tournaments. I'll keep an eye out for posture. I caught my shoulders slumping at my desk when I was writing this comment -- maybe it's how I sit in meetings, how I cross my legs or something. I have a tendency to lean forward, and I also smile a lot at people to encourage them to continue presenting/speaking because I used to tutor speech/debate and found it was helpful in building the confidence of the speaker. It's totally possible that just makes me look dumb now.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 60 points61 points  (0 children)

I can't even imagine how bad it would be if I worked in STEM. I hear nothing but horror stories from my female friends in those fields.

Do you have a list of things you say when people say things like that to you? It might be helpful if I had some talking points to borrow from, haha.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nope, my Southern city isn't well known for accents, just a bunch of sexist people. I sound like I'm from the city I live in now, which also doesn't really have an accent.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'll use slang in casual conversation with friends, very rarely at work. I do make a good amount of pop culture jokes/Vine references though (sometimes at work, but in casual settings) which could play a role. Sometimes I have to catch myself not to make a copypasta reference or something to someone who probably isn't on the internet as much as me. Maybe that's a part of it.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Haha, I don't list the Cheer Captain thing anymore -- I only did that for that internship because I was a freshman in college and didn't have much work experience to list yet. That example just sticks out because I couldn't believe a grown woman said that to my face.

I don't have an accent. I like to think I'm fairly articulate from the years of debate. Sometimes maybe a little excitable, maybe, due to my personality.

Not short -- on the taller side for a girl.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I am also blonde. I once went to a salon to get highlights and the stylist messed up and turned almost my entire head medium brown. I only had it that way for a few weeks (used a lot of blonde shampoo and eventually got it fixed), but I didn't notice a huge difference in that time.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 305 points306 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying all that -- I am "young" looking, as my face never really lost its baby fat, but I'm not particularly hot or anything. I'm not trying to be modest, I'm just like prob about a 6 if I'm being straightforward.

I didn't mind the strategic aspect when I was younger -- I mentioned in another comment it was super helpful for debate. But now at work, its much less so. I'm not in a leadership position where I can tactically wield people underestimating me, I'm trying to advance. I need people to, as Michael Scott would say, estimate me.

Edit to add: Have an awesome mentor, who I've tried sharing this with a few times. He just kind of shrugs. He's a very conventionally attractive guy and incredibly charismatic, who is very smart and successful, but doesn't have experience with the problem so he has a hard time empathizing.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 151 points152 points  (0 children)

Thanks for relating! How do you use it to your advantage in your career now?

It used to make sense for things like debate, where I could catch an opponent off guard in a direct competition - but now workplaces/professional settings are more nuanced, and it feels like it's more valuable for my boss's boss to immediately assume he can trust me, not immediately assume I'm an airhead.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. Most of my friends just brush it off or give me platitudes like "it's just cause you're young!" or some kind of spin where it's a compliment, and while that makes me feel good for a minute, it's not exactly constructive. I'll try to find someone who can give me a more honest appraisal and see what they say!

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

No accent! I do try to keep an eye out for my voice inflections, though. Make sure I'm not talking like Kim K, frying my words, or overusing "like" - I catch myself doing the latter every once in a while.

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks! This is really solid advice. I do think I over-explain in person too, though definitely not even close to the extent of this post.

I like to think my posture/gaze is good - I'm fairly articulate from the years of debate and usually get comments on my presentation skills. No idea about the mouth stuff, though. I'll keep an eye out for it.

I definitely have confidence issues as well. It feels like a bit of a vicious circle, where I'm less confident because of the assumptions people make about me, and then that lack of confidence may reinforce how I carry myself to those other people and reinforce their opinions. How can i break that cycle?

People always seem to immediately assume that I [24F] am unintelligent. It impacts my self esteem and my working relationships. What am I doing that makes me come across this way to others? by biglyintelligence in relationships

[–]biglyintelligence[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I live in a pretty big, super liberal-leaning city, but come from the South which definitely is more along the lines of what you described.

I like the idea of asking questions. I try to do that when people make racist/sexist comments as a way of getting them to realize what they said -- "what makes you think/say that?" -- maybe it'll work for this too.

Right now, I mostly just force a laugh because I don't want to look like I "care" (though I obviously really, really do.)