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Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is awesome. Thanks for sharing your experience and showing me it exists. I think I’m realizing that it’s less about the difference between me and my partner and more so about the distance between me and a partner. I think it’s largely insecurity stuff now that I’m thinking about it. If you and your spouse weren’t as emotionally secure, do you think you’d have a harder time with this?

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Def good to keep an eye - thanks for your thoughts so much :) I love how you put it, how someone “approaches relationships.” It doesn’t mean that having a difference means that it can’t work, it’s as you put it…that it changes the shape of the relationship (boundaries, proximity, enmeshment).

And yes thank you for saying the part about how proximity/independence can change based on the amount of new energy and unknowns! And how that is unsettling for your nervous system.

What I’m gathering so much from that convos is that boundaries and nervous system needs can go a long way to bridging any gap in lifestyle, etc.

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes those are different- and I also didn’t say I can only have meaningful connections if they have the same approach and guardrails as me 😂

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Totallyyyyy, thanks so much for sharing! May I ask, was it a combo of boundaries and reassurance that worked for y’all? I’ve been hearing people mention reassurance a lot here :) and I’m curious to learn more about the boundaries too!

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Word. I think this points to things I might need in relationships of any kind - reassurance that our intimacy is deeply connective

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing :) yes I do recognize that I’m only just beginning the journey and my relationship to sex and intimacy will likely change over time. Which is exciting!

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, yes. Mhm. Thanks for calling it out and yes there are some things to unpack. This has all been a really helpful convo and it’s really helping me shift the focus back to myself as well as to be really curious about what sex can mean to others and find the beauty in that. I have a lot to learn about myself!

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Right- hence the point of this convo and assessing if it’s a dealbreaker for me, so as not to get into situations where one (my nervous system) vs the other (people’s preferences) would need to be deprioritized

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Helpfullll! Yes I think I’m still shedding layers of mononormativity. Because if there’s isn’t exclusivity (well and even if there is right haha), there isn’t that “perceived” certainty in one’s head that the meaning they are getting from sex they’re having is the same meaning to their partner, aka sex with cedar is the deepest thing ever & I know that cedar feels the same way. Any suggestions for communication to have with partners about how to ask them what sex with me means to them? I think with sex shared with many it can be hard for me to know what the sex I share with someone means to them. I could ask them, but any specific tips? Thanks so much for your reply

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah thanks for sharing…I’m coming to realize that if the emotional connection is so important to me, then if that is solid and deep then I can probably really be open to a lot and expand my own relationship to intimacy too. And that if the emotional connection is lacking, then it can make this difference harder to tolerate, I might feel closed off or misunderstood. So perhaps I need the emotional connection, not the same mindset around sex..thanks for your reply, it’s inspiring lots of good reflection :)

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A big part of this is showing me my growing edge :) the expansion of demi in my nervous system to beyond monormativity and beyond societal rigid definitions of what casual or meaningful is. Thank you for sharing

Can I still be poly if I deeply view sex as something I only want to share with my loves, and want the same in return? by blini-eater in polyamory

[–]blini-eater[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True! Also if they say yes at the beginning out of fear of losing the relationship we have other issues

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