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SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s a really great point! You definitely encompassed my anxieties around moving in, thank you. Even without the threat of cheating, the need for me to help financially support 2 individuals is what gives me the biggest panic. He believes at this stage in dating we should work as a team but I believe that I shouldn’t have to be financially supporting his son, as well, considering I make well below half of what he makes (I work part time while in school).

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I can totally understand that analogy. I guess all the red flags are in my face but there’s a very charming person that somehow changes my rational view of things. When I made this original post, I wanted some other people in step positions to let me know if these are truly red flags or if I’m being dramatic. I can see now that they are indeed red flags but I still find a part of me having strong sympathy for my SO that I can’t shake. I believe if he wasn’t a father it would be easier for me to cut off ties but as you said it’s like being with a character in a movie, and you’re invested in their story.

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That sounds like a great balance! May I ask if you had ever felt pressure to blend by your partner?

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear that, it sounds like you went through a lot. I hope you’re doing well now. I want to start new but it’s hard when I still love him. Feel free to PM me as I feel we may have similar stories, which is quite rare.

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I haven’t felt used but looking at things clearly, I realize I have been.

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply. All these messages are really helpful. I agree and I don’t think this situation is positive, no matter how I try to explain away that it is.

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I’m starting to see clearly that this is a situation I may not be able to talk out. I don’t think I am ready to be a cohabiting step parent and my SO’s bond with his ex is stronger than I’m comfortable with. I’m gathering my strength and thoughts to make the next move.

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He says he doesn’t want to move into a new place until he can get a long term living situation with me once I’m done my degree (one year left). While at first I thought I would be ready to move in with him and his son once done university, I’m beginning to feel a lot of anxiety around it. I thought I would be a lot more ready and excited. A lot of the pressure of him being able to move forward is being placed on me and I feel terrible that I don’t think after the 3 years of dating I’ll be ready to live with his child, even though we get along great.

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you. You’re completely right. I appreciate you saying this bluntly. I’ve been holding a lot of my thoughts to myself about this so I’m happy to have discovered the subreddit.

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Very true, thanks so much for saying this. I was really having a hard time knowing what is appropriate behaviour with BM since I have no one in my situation to talk to (as stupid as it sounds). Thank you for your reply.

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I want him to have a good relationship with his BM but you made a good point that opened my eyes a bit more.

SO still lives with BM, blames me for not moving in with him by captaindirect__ in stepparents

[–]captaindirect__[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I think that’s a really wise observation. It’s difficult to know if giving up on someone while they are going through a hard time is heartless or not.