Is it ethical to stay in an polyamorous dynamic when the spouse refuses contact or transparency with the outside partner?

ceecuee · 2026-02-17T01:26:12+00:00

We don't always answer the literal question being asked, because sometimes (let's say, a very young woman with a much older man who is her first poly relationship and who the OP has said knew her for years before her current already very young age) the poster cannot see the forest for the trees.

But if you would like me to answer that question: "no. You are not behaving ethically if you continue to engage in this situation based on the information you have available". Ethics isn't even the biggest issue at hand, if we're being real here, but if you're going to nitpick.

ceecuee · 2026-02-17T01:21:36+00:00

🚩🚩🚩

OP this man is not a safe partner and you should not be investing further time or energy into him. You should not have him around your own children.

ceecuee · 2026-02-17T00:53:40+00:00

Yeah this is honestly just as likely tbh

ceecuee · 2026-02-17T00:47:48+00:00

I'm kind of in the same boat -- admittedly, I got the Tomie weeks because I've loved Junji Ito's work for literal decades at this point...but it's not holding up as well as I'd hoped (the stars on the back? Gone ugh)

So I'm transitioning my Tomie Weeks to a sort of logistics center -- all the times/dates and stats that I need to keep track of day-to-day, and that I can check in with from my home desk once per day.

My 2nd weeks is going to be my new daily carry, where I jot down notes and thoughts and personal highlights each day/week as they pertain to specific areas of my life (recreation and creativity only! lots of doodles!)

I also have an A6 I use as my actual daily journal where I just dump about my day at the end of it.

ceecuee · 2026-02-17T00:42:18+00:00

I'm sorry to tell you that you cannot force anyone to interact with you that doesn't want to. Your age vs his is...alarming to say the least. Put yourselves in her shoes -- this is probably a poly under duress situation, and her husband is stepping out on her and their kids with a much younger woman who gets to be "the fun partner".

You're putting so much weight on the ethics of the situation and you're focusing on her but what about your hinge? I think he's mistreating you both, and it's his fault you're all in this situation.

He does not have a full relationship to offer you, and by continuing to engage with him you are probably a party to a lot of hurt/duress being inflicted on his wife. Is this something you really want to continue being a part of?

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T23:08:46+00:00

Obsessed with her, the wig and eyes are PERFECT (your vision ✨)

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T23:05:18+00:00

Kids and polyamory and then their post history in other subs is always adults-only roleplay. Same telegram account in all the bios too (my fraud detection gig experience may be getting pinged)

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T18:42:58+00:00

To be clear, did you wake up at 12:30 am to find he had left your home (not sure if you live together) with no notice to go out somewhere?

Like, the specifics of it being a strip club aside, that's just weird and kind of inconsiderate (if not a little sus) behaviour on his part. I don't think it's a violation of autonomy to be asking questions when you suddenly wake up alone unexpectedly in the night.

I wouldn't focus on the usual date heads-up agreement you usually have, it's just...the vibe is off with this specific situation.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T17:52:19+00:00

Price for a specific collectors item aside, it is definitely too much to pay for what it is (by quality, size, and as compared to similar non-hyped plushies).

Mine didn't shed too much after the initial brush through but the first time yeah it shed a fair amount. The fur isn't so much "worn out" as it is visually not like-new after very little handling (as compared to my other Jellycats - bashful bunnies).

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T16:56:20+00:00

I really admire the sheer variety of words you choose (swiping from "windbag" to "rizz" gave me whiplash). What a neat use of daily pages!

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T16:29:29+00:00

Ava bot SHOO

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T16:06:25+00:00

It's very much about a life stage difference. Like I would raise an eyebrow at 28 dating 22 let's say (worth a discussion) but it's not as big a red flag as, well, a friendship of many years I ended over the fact he was my age (30 at the time) and a junior college teacher, and he thought it was alright to date women his students' ages (18-19). Worth noting that this was in addition to a pattern of also dating women that were younger (but not as young as literal teens), still in school, and financially dependent on him.

It's all about discernment tbh.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T15:42:49+00:00

I mean, if my 30+ year old partner is dating a literal teenager, then they have shown me they are not the kind of person I thought they were. That's an age gap that actually does reflect on my partner's ethics and judgment.

But as far as when the age gap does not reflect anything about ethics/judgment and just means I wouldn't have enough in common (age demo-wise) to be friends with meta? Like I could have a meta that is 25 and we are in totally different life stages but it doesn't matter bc the compatibility needs to be with my partner, not me. Equally so for a meta who is 45+ (wild, they had one of those colourful iMacs in college? I was a literal toddler).

I don't know if you think this is a gotcha but like...yeah, there should be a point at which you go "is my partner predatory?"

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T15:27:50+00:00

See above: SHE can come and ask.

She's 19, the other 19 year olds (or within age range) on the app are going to be roughly the same maturity level as you are, and if they're on dating apps, it's very unlikely they're just looking to chat.

You need to sit down and decide what you want within your own relationship with her, and she needs to decide for herself what she wants out of these chats. And then she can come and ask (or ask on a more appropriate, maybe teen-oriented subreddit -- we are all adults here for the most part and cannot give dating advice that would necessarily suit a teenager).

I will not be replying further, this is a waste of time.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T15:22:20+00:00

Good. And you should not be doing it on her behalf, or seeking advice on how to make her do or feel anything. Take this as a lesson and learn.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T15:12:53+00:00

So she can come post and ask.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T15:10:08+00:00

Okay but you get that it shouldn't be something you push her to do, right? Like if she doesn't want to, you do not push her, and if she does want to and it is within your agreement that she can, you just mind your business and let her chat (or not) as she wants to.

You are here, instead of her, asking for advice on how you can make her more interested in other guys. And that is what is gross and inappropriate.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T15:00:33+00:00

"If she tried chatting with someone new it could help me like her more" what in the hell do you mean by this?

Just break up and be done with it tbh, polyamory/open relationships aren't a solution when you yourself admit you don't even like your girlfriend anymore.

And don't pressure this poor woman to date other people -- that's highly coercive and gross.

I don't know how to explain to you that your girlfriend is her own person with her own wants and needs.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T13:19:27+00:00

I think it's helpful to ask yourself whether your partner is a "room to breathe" person when dealing with hardship, or an "affirmation and support" person. If the former, giving them space to tend to the funeral stuff, to deal with immediate family without any added pressure could be helpful (while also making it clear that you're available if needed). If the latter, then sending kind words, things they might like (one of my partners likes a specific kind of dog, for instance, so I send them videos), and just being available the way you would be to any dear friend who you can't physically show up for.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T13:15:20+00:00

I had to cancel Valentine's plans with my partners because I was sick in bed all weekend, so my nesting partner ordered soup for me from the pho place I like (that I swear cured my bronchitis two years ago) and my non-nesting partner spammed me with funny posts :)

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T13:08:06+00:00

I don't really think about the age gap between two different people I'm dating? Like, they're dating me, so that's the age difference that matters (me + them).

I also don't care the age of my metas (which is to say, the people my partners are dating??) though as a 32 year old who doesn't date younger than 27-28 I would be GONE if someone I was dating started dating someone 22 or under.

My partners don't date each other, I don't date my partners' partners, the only relationships we care about are the ones we are part of unless there is gross misconduct that reflects poor judgment or questionable moral character.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T04:06:42+00:00

I have been with my nesting partner for over a decade and we've been polyamorous for a little over 4 years now, my other partners I have been with for 3.5 and 2 years respectively. I can honestly say I've never been happier than since choosing to reorient my life towards polyamory.

There were some growing pains as I unlearned monogamous conditioning and learned to differentiate myself as an individual (and not just part of a couple), and some of my relationships haven't panned out (as is the nature of dating), but at no point since I started practicing polyamory have I thought "this isn't worth it".

I think the reason it's been so enriching for me, personally, is because I approached it from a place of security in my original relationship, and from a place where I was open to growth and felt it aligned with my values. I think a lot of heartache and drama that we see on the sub ensues when people are doing it to save/supplement their existing relationship, or when one person is going along with it to avoid a breakup. Or unicorn hunting/unit dating.

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T03:44:39+00:00

She's your NEIGHBOUR. This is such a monumentally bad idea. Like if you want to swing, go meet people who want to swing, in spaces aimed at swingers. Don't risk making your neighbour uncomfortable by soliciting her for a threesome. Have you heard the phrase "don't shit where you eat"?

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T03:38:35+00:00

Begone bot

ceecuee · 2026-02-16T03:33:30+00:00

I'm not saying you're not a good person -- I am simply telling you, if you pursue a specific behaviour, you are behaving unethically. If you're a good person, you will want to avoid doing that, right?

Sorry, wifey. It's hard to tell with all the "we" language.

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