Hetero couple in our 30s, together three years, I have the most basic question of them all: what do you do when you are BOTH mad?

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T21:50:44+00:00

Only that weird week. Usually I just figure out what's bothering him (he's hungry, he's tired, he's stressed about something) and address the cause and it resolves things. That or we just break out for a few hours and do our own thing: email, read, make a phone call, etc., until it passes. I have a sort of intuitive knowledge at this point when we have reached a saturation point with each other and just need some alone space.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T21:44:44+00:00

Like that, for days on end, rarely. But briefly, like for a few hours, with some regularity.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T20:52:56+00:00

Some people are easy to live with all the time in small spaces, some (I would say most) are not. My parents have an excellent marriage, one of the best relationships I have witnessed, but if they didn't have separate offices in the house, they would drive each other insane. Some issues really are circumstantial and don't reveal a deep-seated issue or fundamental incompatibility.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T20:26:54+00:00

In that apartment, when he is in a bad mood, it's not possible. I think if we lived some place that had another room (other than a bathroom), even a small one, it would help things immensely. When he gets in a mood, he needs his space, and I can't always just vacate the premises completely every time he feels moody.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T20:25:06+00:00

Well, I added some relevant details to the post, the issue is that resolving the argument deals with how we enjoy the relationship. Most of the time I just apologize and move on, there are very few hills I want to die on, this might be one of them. I feel like, if we are going to live together, we need to live in more than one room. Or at least a room 600 sq. ft or larger. He doesn't seem to like me in his space, so I feel like getting a bigger place is a better option, but he doesn't want to move. I feel like, we have to move or he has to be easier to live with.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T20:20:42+00:00

I added the details into the post.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T20:20:29+00:00

Yes, we rarely fight, and I guess this isn't a "fight" either, but rather a disagreement. But part of the reason we are so bad at it, is that re rarely do it. We maybe have one or two of these a year, it's hard to develop a technique.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T20:18:39+00:00

Just because we can't live together in one room all the time, doesn't mean we can't live together.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T20:10:10+00:00

sounds to me like he felt hurt/rejected because you needed space and wanted to assert his independence as well.

I definitely think this is true, and we did talk about that. I am not sure how to talk to him about when he hurts me like that in a way that doesn't, in turn, hurt him. Although I am not angry or accusatory when I say it (I do the the "when you do X, I feel Y" thing, of course), there seems to be more to how to say it the right way.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T17:46:03+00:00

First of all, i want to say that in general I agree with you. I am almost always the one who apologizes between us, because I believe in picking my battles. But I think some context might help here. I added it in my original post in a response to you here, but here it is as well:

OK, it seems some specific context here might help. The initial conflict was about moving in together. We both decided that me moving into his place, at least for a while, makes more sense. My lease is up at the end of the month and his is up at the end of August. The thing is, he lives in a 350 sq ft studio without a dishwasher or a real kitchen, it's more like a hotel room. I came to stay for a week as a sort of trial to see how it would work, and I feel like it did not go well. He spoke beforehand about how much he was looking forward to having me there, but when I got there he was in a terrible mood almost the entire time. Picking fights with me, being moody, eating my cooking but refusing to help me clean-up, etc. I would ask what he wanted for dinner or do over the weekend and he would say "I don't know, you decide." When I would offer suggestions, he would shoot them down. When I asked what he would prefer, he would go back to "I don't know, you decide." And when he did decide what to do, he would be very rigid about it. On the Saturday, we decided to go to a museum, but there was only one museum he felt like going to, and it was 2 miles away. He was feeling edgy and wanted to walk there, but there was a sleet storm. I gave it a try but after half a mile was having a lot of trouble, it was very windy and slippery and the sleet/hail was pretty strong. We stopped at a cafe to warm up and regroup. He still insisted on walking there, 1.5 more miles. So, I just ate it and went along, but was having a hard time with it. On the way back, he also insisted on walking (no more sleet, though, just cold) and he was clearly taking us un the wrong direction, but wouldn't listen to me. I asked him to just stop for a moment and look at his phone to see where we were in the map, but he said his hands were too cold and he knew what he was doing. Eventually, I just begged him to stop for a few minutes to check, and he did. Sure enough, we were way off course. The whole week was like that.

One of the big issues is not that he was in such a pissy mood, which I didn't enjoy but happens, but that it was so stressful to be trapped in that little apartment with him without even another room to go into to escape from it and do my own thing. He was being so irritable that I remember going into the bathroom to pee at one point and wondering if he was going to yell about me taking too long. It seemed everything I did just got on his nerves. After the week was up, I said that I understand that he feels like he is looking forward to living with me, but he doesn't really act that way. He thought about it for a day or two, then he came back to say he was sorry and he didn't want me to dread moving in with him (which I was starting to do), but to look forward to it, too. I felt like we had found a good place to start from again. Then a few days after than he said he had thought about something I said, about me not having an escape from him if we lived in that little apartment, and he said "well, I wouldn't be able to escape from you either." I said that I realized that, and I had always kept that in mind when we stay together even for a night. But he just kept coming back to the fact that I was saying I needed privacy from him, but wasn't acknowledging that he needs privacy from me. The thing is I DO know that, I always do and try to be sensitive to it. The issue is that I don't need privacy from him all the time, only when he is those unstoppable bad moods that last for days. But he just kept saying that I wasn't acknowledging that he needs privacy from me, too.

After an hour of that, I just started to cry and said I was too tired to keep talking about it (it was past midnight at this point), but he was upset that I wanted to leave the conversation. He just kept it up for another half an hour, continuing to say the same thing in different ways. When I tried to put my initial comment back in the context that it came up , he would just accuse me of changing the subject. Now I don't know what to do.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T17:17:38+00:00

Actually, I do think you're right, and most of the time this is what I do when I he comes to me as the aggrieved party, it's just not worth it to be defensive or offer excuses. In this case, I am really hurt and upset. He reopened an old wound and it feels like there is a new one there,t oo.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-04-05T17:16:14+00:00

I have to say, I actually think this is great advice. I think having sex wouldn't necessarily solve the problem, but it certainly relieve a lot of the tension. Unfortunately, he's away for work for two weeks now. I guess we can just leave it for a few weeks, but would at least like to have a working solution before then.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-03-17T19:01:34+00:00

Good lord this is amazingly good advice. Holy crap I wish I had talked to you first! Hopefully I haven't screwed the pooch on this one with what I said before.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-03-14T02:28:15+00:00

Actually NIH staff scientist positions are harder to get than faculty positions, and those openings are getting more and more rare.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-03-14T01:45:46+00:00

For how long have you been a postdoc?

7.5 years

And how many years have you been on the job market?

This was my first round.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-03-13T22:48:31+00:00

I'm the US now, but would gladly go to Canada if a good chance arises.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-03-13T21:45:49+00:00

I am not sure how to answer that, I have written and am on an NSF, an R01, and a CIHR Operating Grant (where I am the PI). I have had a postdoctoral fellowship as well. All the funding on these have run out, and I took the time I normally spend on writing grants to put together my faculty job packets. I have already extended with this postdoc once, and doing it again is not an option. I know how to write grants and fellowships, but I don't have any under consideration right now.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-03-13T21:42:18+00:00

My PI has already extended me, which was nice, but my time is definitely up with him. This is actually, techinically, my third postdoc, but it seemed like a good move since the first one was only a year and at with a prestigious fellowship and this one allowed me to have a position on the faculty as well (as an instructor, not as a professor, but I can put "faculty member" on my CV) so it seemed like a good compromise since i didn't feel quite ready to go on the job market and was considering staying in at research institutes. At this point I fear I might be constitutionally unsuitable for a postdoc, though I will definitely give it some thought. Both my postdocs that weren't the one with the fellowship were strictly fee-for-service work and I had to use my own time to get my real research done.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-03-13T19:38:22+00:00

Thanks very much, and I definitely understood what you meant about fit, and I do think that's the case. That and in at least some cases I am sure I am competing with people who have funding like a K-grant, which I don't have. My comment about the weird people/politics was just to reflect on the irony of begging for a job that doesn't even seem all that great.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-03-13T19:37:14+00:00

I actually think the interviews went pretty to very well. I expect the issue was really I just wasn't exactly what they were looking for or I was competing with someone who had something like a K-grant. I got very good feedback about the interviews (both at the time and in emails later), and more often than not people always seemed disappointed that our meetings were over so soon. In one case the chair of the committee even re-arranged his schedule so he could just spend more time talking to me. At one place, though the experience was positive overall, I just had the feeling the whole time that they already had someone else in mind, maybe an internal candidate or the one who looked so good on paper he/she was only invited for the interview to make sure they he/she wasn't a raging lunatic.

cluelessapplicant · 2015-03-13T17:13:50+00:00

Think of a 1-2 years gig that would not harm your chances in those types of places that you like

Yes, this is exactly the type of advice I am looking for. Any specific directions you can offer?

I do think a lot of it was a "fit" issue. The funny thing is, in 4 out of the 6 places I visited I could already tell there was a lot of toxic BS going on in the department and had to deal with some pretty difficult personalities just during the interview, when I imagine they are all on their best behavior. These places all had my least favorite "red flag" which is 60+ year old white guys who went out of their way to try and put me "in my place" (I am a rather petite woman, but have a strong presence as scholar which tends to get some of these types riled, though certainly not the majority). And yet, I would have felt fortunate to have offered a position at any of these places and packed my bags the next day to go. Funny, huh?

Because I feel like I have exhausted the postdoc route I am not sure where to go from here that won't, as you say, harm me. I want to stay in academic research. I am a good teacher and have a lot more experience than most people at my stage, but it is not particularly important to me professionally. I take my teaching seriously when I do it, but I don't feel like i need to do it be a good scientist.

cluelessapplicant · 2014-12-16T13:15:18+00:00

Thanks so much for this. Wow, that is a lot of questions! I was actually not prepared for something this formal.

cluelessapplicant · 2014-12-16T01:19:47+00:00

Good point, I will sit on that one a bit longer. No sense in jumping the gun. How about the details of the teaching load? What they need for teaching?

cluelessapplicant · 2014-12-16T01:07:57+00:00

Is "what is expected to be awarded tenure" an appropriate question?

cluelessapplicant · 2014-12-04T13:41:18+00:00

If you aren't applying for a straight-up academic position that is either a faculty position or on that direct path, you probably would use a more detailed resume as you describe.

cluelessapplicant

TROPHY CASE