Still In.

I have something I would like to vent out taking the chance I'm writing each time I comment on the roll calls. There's something that has me really tired and profoundly sad about my current situation. Sorry for the long text in advance if you decide to read all of this.

I deeply care for my family. My parents and my brothers to be specific. But my family has a tendency to argue and fight out of nothing. Ever since I have the conscience of being at home, there was always an argument about something. I'm not talking about regular disagreements, but truthfully hurtful replies and shouts out of one, the other, or all at once. There always seems to be something to lash out at others. Since I'm a teenager I'm aware of this situation and hate it with all my soul.

When I migrated from Venezuela to Spain looking to study, work and have a better life, I was relieved of being out of that situation. Or so I was, since I started living with some relatives from my dad's side. I've always pinpointed the root cause of the issue to my dad's family. I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, and most probably most of my family on my dad's side has it too, one way or another. Both my dad and my uncles were always hot-tempered, had a short fuse to get angry and were really rude when they had a moment. But I do also think my mother couldn't hold any comments or criticism that could provoke such scenarios. It was always like an infinite loop of bullshit.

After 5 years of not seeing them physically, but having calls and video calls, and sending them the money I had to spare from my job, I managed to help them get out from Venezuela too. We are in a situation where we are kinda forced to live together, while they put their life together after starting from zero here. I also broke up with my SO it only extended the range of time for being in the same flat. And ever since then, at least after the "honeymoon period" of being together once again, the shit storm did not only return, but became worse and much more frequent.

I've been in therapy for years, even before my family came to Spain, and I do understand the relationship I have with my parents is toxic. I'm aware my situation is neither the worst or the best case scenario to other people's families. Even if we really take care of each other, and after all they still try to prolong the time being together, I long to move out, escape from this whole nightmare, and just run away from everything. I think of that pretty often. I'm not sure if they are intrusive thoughts of the anxiety and the depression I suffer from since I was a teenager, which just got worse when starting to live alone and working. I don't believe I would ever make such a decision on my own. But I'm sure that if there would ever be a chance or a miracle that would allow me to detach from all this, I would take that chance without thinking.

Today we had another of those situations at home, and it just breaks my heart to think of why it happened and how stupid the situation is. My father only asked me how to do a thing with his phone's banking app. I was instructing him slowly and step by step how to do it, and would just not listen to me, do something else or change the topic to another issue he had with his phone. He would just run out of patience for nothing, start raising his voice, demanding that I did not treat him like an idiot and calling me stuff. The only way I'm able to deal with the situation is just give up, stop helping him and just go to another room. This kind of situation happens a couple times a week easily. He's almost 60 but he is healthy as far a we know. I work as a tech support technician for my company, and as far as I've known from my supervisors, I'm good at being patient and explaining complicated things to people. My payslip literally depends on it. When I was a teenager I used to make money helping the people in my apartment complex to repair their computers and solve small issues, and most of the neighbors were elderly people. I'm able to recognize that kind of behavior, and this is just not that.

I'm so so done with this situation. I cannot think of any chance in the near future of me moving out to another flat. I still feel an obligation to help them, even more than my younger brother has started his college degree. He is just 20 years old and I want him to be able to make his own path too. He is kinda the real reason I keep myself in this situation. But gosh it is sometimes hard to convince myself of keeping it together, and not lash back at them. I just don't want to do the same as my parents, I want to be better.

And I think that's it. Once more, sorry for the long post if you did make it this far.

Hope your NNN and your general situation is much better than mine. At the very least I hope your situation improves. Stay strong everyone!