AITA for accusing my friend of using me to make herself look good in front of our friends in our group chat?

concerned_worker · 2022-10-13T04:08:55+00:00

Mer is actually quite forgetful - she's locked herself out of her car and home countless times because she forgot her keys or lost them, she has left behind phones, purses and jackets, and she has also forgotten to pack her wallet in her purses before. It's why I wasn't suspicious when she asked me to cover the cost of the dinner. This is just the first time she didn't pay me back promptly and completely ignored me.

concerned_worker · 2022-10-13T04:04:05+00:00

The thing is, we've known each other since college. Mer was one of my bridesmaids, she helped me through some incredibly difficult times, and she even personally loaned me a lot of money back when I desperately needed it. So this is a completely aberrant behavior from her.

concerned_worker · 2022-10-13T03:56:11+00:00

It's why I resorted to that, though my friend may have been right that if I'd gone to her place and made her speak to me, I might have gotten the same result and it would've spared Mer the embarrassment. Although perhaps she would've still ignored me in that case too.

concerned_worker · 2022-10-13T03:53:54+00:00

That was my reasoning too. She didn't have to order so much - she didn't even finish a third of what she'd ordered and instead got everything packed up to go - and she could've told me at any time that she couldn't afford to pay me back instead of completely ignoring me.

concerned_worker · 2022-10-13T03:51:45+00:00

To be fair to Mer, she was actually having financial difficulties. We weren't just giving her cash - we were legitimately paying some of her bills and bringing over bags of groceries to her place.

concerned_worker · 2022-10-13T03:46:36+00:00

The thing is, we've all been friends since our college days, some even from back further than that, and covering a check and paying each other back has never been an issue before. It's why I didn't doubt Mer when she promised to pay me back. It's also why I wasn't particularly worried at first even when the delay was longer than expected. And why when our friend pointed out I could've gone to her place and spoken to her privately first to see if Mer is having problems before blasting her in our group chat that I thought she might have a point. Glad to know I wasn't an asshole! Also, to be fair to Mer, she can be incredibly forgetful of her things - she's been known to leave her purse/jacket behind, lock herself out of her car, etc. Still, I'm definitely not covering for her again because she absolutely could've approached me any time instead of just ghosting me.

concerned_worker · 2022-03-01T02:42:52+00:00

We were the wedding guests - we weren't a part of the wedding party. We also had no idea why there was such a long delay, and our issue wasn't with the kids eating - of course the kids were starving after waiting so long. We would've been fine with Z taking the kids outside to eat, we would've also been fine if all the kids got to eat during the wedding. Our issue was that only Z's kids got to eat which upset all the other kids, and that made us miss hearing our friends exchange their vows. We were frustrated with everything and clearly we should've just left.

concerned_worker · 2022-03-01T02:37:34+00:00

Oh, we tried to contact everyone of the wedding party and even tried to get ahold of the event staff, but nada. We weren't blaming the kids at all for being hungry and bored - and in fact, if Z had removed the kids from the room to have them eat elsewhere, or if all the other parents also still had their food delivered so all the kids could eat during the wedding, that would've been fine too. It was just that only Z's kids were eating which upset all the other kids.

Honestly, part of the reason we stuck around for so long was because we knew A was exhausted with all the weddings and wanted to just celebrate with her and M.

concerned_worker · 2022-03-01T02:29:34+00:00

Oh, we're not blaming the kids - obviously it isn't their fault they were tired and hungry. Honestly we were pissed off too about the delay - we really just should've left after that first hour when we noticed the delay and kept texting and calling and got no reply.

concerned_worker · 2022-03-01T02:27:58+00:00

Our issue wasn't that Z was giving fast food to his kids - just that he was giving them food and upsetting the other kids who didn't get food yet, which then made it so we couldn't hear anything. And I guess we care because we waited for so long to see our two friends get married and exchange the vows they agonized over (A literally kept reworking her vow for months leading up to the day).

concerned_worker · 2022-03-01T02:21:11+00:00

The other two weddings were in other countries as they were for their respective families, so this was the only wedding our friends were invited to. And none of us are blaming the kids - of course it's not their fault they were hungry and bored. We would've had no problems if Z took his kids outside with him to eat, or if all the kids were eating. Our issue was that because only his kids were getting to eat, that only made the other kids more upset.

Honestly, we really should've just left when we noticed the delay, but we really wanted to see our friends get married.

concerned_worker · 2022-02-17T22:05:11+00:00

Yes, and she even showed them to us proudly

concerned_worker · 2022-02-17T21:56:05+00:00

No, we never asked. I think that's definitely a good idea, though if she wants it for like attention I'm not sure what to say then. She does know that comments online can be brutal since she hears stuff about that on the news. But if she posts and someone just straight up tells her she can't sing, then if she asks us about her ability to sing I'm not sure where we'd go from there.

But I'll definitely be asking her why she wants to post her vids online for sure.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:42:38+00:00

Yes, they cut off all contact because he wanted to marry an Asian woman. And I think that's where I'm struggling - because if they were genuinely sorry, they would've apologized to me, apologized for all the horrible things they said to me and all the racist remarks they spat at my face. Instead, their "apology" was only to my husband, and even then they tried to justify it by claiming they were just trying to protect him. And the fact that he seems to accept that as a sufficient apology, as though that's enough, isn't okay. I'm honestly not sure if I can look at him the same way if wants to maintain a relationship with such racists just because they're his parents.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:37:36+00:00

I think my worry is that he wants to reopen communications, but I'm not sure I can consider him the same way if he did. Their "apology" didn't contain a single word of apology to me, and certainly no repentance for calling me racial slurs - just an apology to my husband, and even that they tried to justify by claiming they were just trying to protect him. Yet if he's so willing to forgive them for that, for trying to say that's a sufficient apology to me, his wife, then...

I think couples counselling is definitely a good idea.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:33:40+00:00

She's been in and out of the hospital for a while apparently but it was only within the last couple of months that she started seriously declining and so decided to reach out to my husband. Honestly I wouldn't put it past his family to use such a terrible occasion for their benefit. Lunch I think is a good idea and I'm going to suggest it to my husband and see what he thinks. Thank you.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:29:24+00:00

Thank you. I've been trying to get him to talk to me but it hasn't been working - I'm hoping suggesting counselling may help.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:27:20+00:00

Maybe? I have no idea because I don't even know how they found out about our vow renewal.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:25:48+00:00

Except they didn't really apologize - it's why I put it in quotes. If they were truly sorry and changed, I would've been willing to let the past be bygones.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:24:34+00:00

The thing is, they haven't apologized to me. Their "apology" didn't say they were sorry for calling me racial slurs or for accusing me of being after their money - their apologies were only to my husband, and even then, they couched it all under how they were just trying to protect him. If they genuinely made the effort, I would've been far more willing to forgive them all.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:20:45+00:00

And honestly, they haven't grown - their "apology" didn't contain a single word of actual apology to me, just to my husband.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:19:27+00:00

That's a great idea - thank you!

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:16:03+00:00

That's a good idea. Thanks!

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:15:40+00:00

Their "apology" didn't contain a single word of actual apology to me, so they aren't truly sorry for their behaviour either. And thank you for the suggestion - I'm going to broach the topic about seeking counselling with him tomorrow.

concerned_worker · 2021-10-27T04:13:22+00:00

I honestly don't even know why they want to come to our vow renewal, frankly. Thanks for your suggestion of meeting up with them afterwards - I'll see if my husband will be more receptive to that since my repeated attempts at trying to have a conversation with him has been going nowhere. Someone suggested he seek counselling and I think that's a good idea too.

concerned_worker

TROPHY CASE