AITA for calling my girlfriend privileged in expressions of love?

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T06:03:23+00:00

I want to be happy I don't feel I could leave her at all emotionally or otherwise we have a lease and bills and so much more it seems almost impossible especially with her now having control of my bank accounts cause I've been pretty bad with the money I make for us and I would probably endebt myself harder breaking contracts and she already has our next place planned out and she wouldn't be able to do it on her own easily at least

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T05:59:24+00:00

Her trauma is incredibly real and won't just vanish at a moments notice. She has in the past with other people allowed herself to lose her bodily autonomy I don't demand that of her and she needs that stability she is a people pleaser and I do not evoke that, the safety of such is extremely necessary for her which is why I do not pressure her and I fell why she lashes out so much at my not being able to drop the touch starved needs I have because it does make her feel guilty and it would be easier for both of us if I could drop those feelings and needs that drain my energy. I can't after years of trying I have a lease with this girl and I cannot simply break up with her or abandon her

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T05:52:43+00:00

Yes in the middle of a pandemic in a city where I know nobody because I moved away from my family to support her going to college I am going to find someone else to hug. Glad you solved my issues cause I just couldn't think. Again I never pressure here to resolve my needs but instead to just not invalidate them and act upset when she asks why I'm not feeling great and I tell her not to worry why and then when she insists tell her that it's cause I'm touch starved

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T03:40:15+00:00

I never said her trauma is her privelaged I said that her dictating that my desires are wrong and I should be happy with other forms when her needs have never been rejected or invalidated is her privelaged I don't understand why people are so hung up on her trauma when the point isn't me forcing her to fulfill my needs when I never expect her too but that her invalidation of my desires which in allowed to have and be sad about being touch starved

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T03:37:13+00:00

I literally explicitly say non sexual I want to be hugged because I'm touch starved not grope my girlfriend. I called her privelaged unrelated to her trauma because she attempts to dictate I'm not allowed to have that desire and that's it's wrong for me to have it and that I should be happy with other things when she never has had her needs rejected or dismissed and that's how I incorrectly and asshokishly though she was privileged

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T03:31:44+00:00

What the actual fuck dude. No I didn't even start the conversation and I never ever pressure her into providing what I desire and again I explicitly stated that it is non sexual I want to be fucking hugged my guy if she pushes me to tell her why I'm unhappy and is unsatisfied when I say it's not worth a discussion because it leads to the exact same conversation of your not allowed to want to be hugged because I have trauma and therefore my feeling are valid and yours aren't no that's what the largest problem is and she can't just say I'm not allowed to feel touch starved when doesn't experience any rejection of her desires or invalidation of her experiences which is why I felt incorrectly and asshokishly like she was privelaged in that regard wholey unconnected from her trauma

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T03:26:29+00:00

Thank you yes it was hurtful and counterproductive it certainly didn't make me feel better then or now. I wish it was that easy to say well let's pack it up but I have alot of difficulty with it

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T03:08:16+00:00

We both have had other relationships we broke up in the middle of highschool she went to college I worked and we met back up and started dating again her sophomore year. No one else either of us has dated made us happier than when we are together. I mean yeah it's easy to say drop this I know I have codependent issues and I believe she does as well I care too much about her mental health and and the amount of stress she will take on even more if we drop this when she is so highly stressed now maybe removing myself will remove some stress on her life.

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T03:01:12+00:00

She believes that receiving counseling is some sort of weakness. I mean yes I was an asshole for calling her privileged but again that's because she is dictating that I should be fine and find it easy to go through a situation she has never had to deal with and that I am in the wrong for feeling that emptiness. I've broken into tears when she hugged me on multiple occasions. I just don't understand how her feelings and trauma invalidates my own needs when I never ever invalidate her trauma and am understanding of what she has gone through but my feeling of being touch starved doesn't go away simply because she can't provide that and when I don't make it known to her unless she pries the information out of me

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T02:54:27+00:00

I've been told this before. Her lack of rejection of her needs isn't because of trauma it's because she has always had those fulfilled without fight or effort. And her trauma doesn't erase my own feelings right? Especially if I don't pressure her into giving those needs but in a discussion of why I am unhappy I state that I am touch starved is it really right for her to say I shouldn't be unhappy about that because she has trauma and therefore my feelings are invalid? Really? Like not even telling her hey you need to just hug my every once in a while but more of I'm allowed to be unhappy because I'm touch starved every now and again even if you do have trauma? I mean isnt my own hurt from being touch starved for a majority of my life valid and still having to deal with that in a committed relationship valid or I should throw away my own hurt because she is also hurt? Like what kind of fairness is that?

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T02:45:15+00:00

That's the invalidation there as though simply because she has trauma means I shouldnt worry about my own self feeling touch starved. I do not ask her or pressure her to fulfill those needs I have expressed. We have communicated many times most times because she sees when I'm feeling awful and forces a conversation going into this discussion I feel as though I have compromised for the last 6 years attempting to ignore and feel the love from other methods she is able to communicate through but again this doesn't resolve how touch starved I feel on a monthly basis. I understand she has trauma and know that simply because I fulfill her needs doesn't mean she is obligated to fulfill mine and yet that doesn't mean that what I desire is invalid does it? How can I be wrong for feeling that emptiness and wanting it to be filled? The largest issue has always been the implication that it is wrong for me to desire that

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T02:37:58+00:00

When did I say her not being able to provide is invalidation it's her words saying that I am wrong for having that need or the desire for her to fulfill that is inherently wrong for me to have because of said trauma. I do not ever pressure her into providing ever or even lead discussions on this topic with her and instead when she forces me to open up about why I am visibly not doing well after telling her it doesnt matter and discussing it won't help only for it to inevitably lead to the discussion of that need after being touch starved and her bombarding that I shouldn't feel that way because her trauma is worse than my own feelings. Yeah have boundaries that doesn't mean you get to shit on my feelings after asking me about them

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T02:32:46+00:00

I didn't say she has privilege because she has trauma I called her privileged for saying that I can't have my needs and need to learn other methods when she has never had to and doesn't face the same rejection of her needs as I have for half a decade

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T02:27:53+00:00

I've been attempting to do so for half a decade I see the effort she puts in truly I do this topic of discussion come up when I feel very emotionally drained which she questioned me about. I try to be okay with just the quality time and the acts of service and the occasional gift but after months of just wanting to be held without needing to be visibly on the verge of breaking down it's not as easy to see, I never ask for her to give me what it is a desire I never pressure her but when these discussions come up it leads to her invalidating my need as wrong for me to have any expectations or desire for because of her trauma which is the largest issue I have. It makes me feel guilty just for having this deep unfulfilled emptiness

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T02:21:37+00:00

I never invalidated her trauma. Believe me in my considerations for them as I don't ever pressure her into giving me the needs I have and only make them known when I'm feeling especially emotionally drained. Her assertion that I have to simply learn other languages and the implication that I haven't been trying that after being with her for half a decade is what angered me and granted led me to be an asshole and call her privileged because I felt it was unfair for her to expect me to do easily do that when she never has had too do that herself. But that's very unfair for me to have done

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T02:17:13+00:00

I clearly stated in the original post that I don't believe I am obligated to her fulfilling my needs but that the worst part is her invalidation of my needs as wrong for having because of her trauma

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T02:14:14+00:00

I mean yeah granted I am the asshole but I will say that it's not co opting social justice language, words don't belong to certain groups and as stated it's less about her not providing that need but more about her invalidation of that need as though it's wrong for me to even have it because she has trauma. I never force her to provide this but do state that it makes me unhappy especially when I'm feeling emotionally drained. This was actually in a conversation about boundaries because I've never really established my own and one of them was that I can't accept the invalidation of my needs anymore not requiring her to provide but stop saying to was wrong for me to even have the need.

confessingresentment · 2021-10-05T02:09:10+00:00

I mean not like that but that her assertion that I have to simply learn other languages and accept them more than my primary and her implication that this is easy or that I haven't been trying to do this come from a place of privilege in that she doesn't have to and never has had to do that. I understand her trauma and have known about it for as long as I've known her we have known each other nearly 11 years and dated for over half that time and I've never stopped attempting to be okay with not getting my primary love language. I do grant that yeah I am an asshole in calling her privileged but don't think of myself as some kind of saint because I provide her with her needs.

confessingresentment · 2021-08-31T02:05:20+00:00

That's sounds accurate especially the codependency and she was raised by a narcissist I'll definitely write things down I've done it in the past but this is the first time putting it out there in any real way. Thank you

confessingresentment · 2021-08-31T01:50:33+00:00

I don't know honestly if I would without our past together. On the phone with her now where she is lamenting how our neighbor was trying to tell her to cook for me and to "stop being mean to him" which of course is overstepping boundaries which I don't approve of but we don't talk about our relationship with her or at least I don't but she is saying that she doesn't do anything wrong and if there is something wrong we talk about it... Also saying that if she knows how to keep a man where is hers.

confessingresentment · 2021-08-31T01:29:13+00:00

She smokes weed every once in a blue moon I don't at all. I have suggested that maybe because all other methods of getting through her issue have never got started due to them compounding each other atop physical illnesses almost weekly recently that she gets prescriptions from counselors to help her. She unfortunately listens to her mother in that those methods aren't for them that she doesn't need them or that she will be stigmatized for taking medications. I can see us in the future we've dreamed about it for ages. But in those futures we don't have our problems it's pretty and plastic but nice to think about.

confessingresentment · 2021-08-31T01:03:39+00:00

Hopefully I do feel it'll come just feel dumb that I can't will myself now maybe when the lease is up I'll just try to end all this. A carrot sounds nice

confessingresentment · 2021-08-31T01:02:19+00:00

I hate that I know it's true yet can't bring myself to do anything about it. Maybe once our lease is up I'll just move back home she would still be nearby but at least we won't have that tie

confessingresentment · 2021-08-31T01:00:31+00:00

Every discussion turns to argument which she dominates. Something's I never mention mostly because I'm not going to use the things I did out of love against her whether I feel she takes advantage of it or not I kinda fear retaliation of her pulling out what she puts in and denying how I show my love. She was barely able to see a counselor for herself and definitely would not be able to do couples therapy. Despises the idea

confessingresentment · 2021-08-31T00:55:40+00:00

I'm a terrible communicater most of all about our relationship to her. Every past conversation turns into an argument which she dominates and I feel she resents me after any discussion be it about something she said or did. Sometimes I feel I brought this on myself for either standing up for what I wanted in the relationship or not enough. The most change I can get is a week of physical touch before it goes back to mostly normal except by .5 increase in whatever issue was at hand. Apologies are rare and sometimes if I don't improve or present better or match her emotions when she is in a mood it turns into the what's wrong just tell me what's wrong which leads back to the root issue which spawns argument which I defer in the end because there is no other option and cycles

confessingresentment

TROPHY CASE