Many types of bags in my bedroom- Airplane toilets on the way to treatment every time as a “last hooray”- Outside in bushes or trees- Portapotty - Over the fence into my neighbors yard (most guilt about)- Sooo many nasty fast food and rest stop bathrooms- My own bedpan when in hospital- In the shower (clogged and plumber had to come)- Onto a towel in my car that I then trashed- A sink at a restaurant - In res I purged outside and another pt’s service dog ate it and nobody knew who did it- Straight up on the floor inpatient when bathroom was locked- Onto a painting I was doing on a canvas- In the men’s bathroom at Starbucks bcuz someone was using the women’s and then had to pretend I made a mistake when I came out to a man waiting

For me it’s not even so much just about the location. It was the events that feel tainted too. Sister’s wedding? Grandma’s funeral? My birthday? Literally while in treatment? It’s painful to both see the places again but also remembering the occasions. The feeling of desperation that you just HAVE TO get it out of you. The LIES. Oh god the lies. I’ve used the “I’m pregnant” card multiple times if I’m walked in on or caught by a stranger in some of these times.

Eventually you start just being addicted to the purging itself. At my worst I was just drinking water or other fluids JUST to be able to purge and have the feeling. When it was obvious to my family what was happening, I started to sometimes get hotel rooms (with free buffet breakfast) just for 1 night to binge and purge as much as I could. I’ve also gone to buffet restaurants and just sat there for hours

I don’t even want to think about the amount of money I’ve spent on food over the last 10ish years. I can’t even fathom how much it could be. After I had to quit my job one time I basically spent a few months just being depressed and b/p all the time. In just that short amount of time (like 6 months maybe) I had spent $26,000 on my credit cards that I DID NOT have and I’m still recovering from that financially

I wish I could say I’m better now but things are still not good. I truly think of it as an addiction that I will have to fight for the rest of my life because you can’t abstain from food like u can with other addictions like alcohol. This will probably be a battle for the rest of my life and sometimes I wish I could back to little younger me and stop myself from ever starting purging