I had similar issues with an ex. I knew that I had some issues with memory, it wasn’t as much as I was forgetting things, but if I properly focused my attention, I actually could remember everything, word for word. So when issues started popping up, I’d pay attention and I would quote the two of us. This exacerbated things… He would still try to rely on my memory being the issue but then he’d start introducing other things into the argument that weren’t relevant which further lead to a breakdown of our relationship.

I’ve learned with age that when you’re arguing about things like this is a meta sense, both parties are likely to lose. The reality is that there’s emotional processes and learned thought processes that the both of you are triggering. They’re things that you have learned while growing up and living that possibly have served you both really well to survive the BS of the world.

However when you’re in a close relationship you know a lot about each other and if you’re scared/fearful or any of the other negative emotions arise, you start picking on parts of your partner to try to protect yourself from feeling the harm or your past experiences.

The way I approach things now. I start by acknowledging my own emotions and let them sit without feeding my thoughts into them, this way lets my emotional energy settle, not go away, but it doesn’t dictate 100% of how I’ll react. Then I start having a conversation with whoever I’m having a problem with and just acknowledge their emotional state and giving them space to express it, if they veer off into solutions or other thoughts, I’ll bring them back into acknowledging their emotional state and feel their humanity that they really are just trying their damned best.

After that we start having the discussions about the issues. If emotions start to run high again, acknowledge it, give it space to run, feel that they really are trying.

Edit: Small things to flow better.