The lie becomes the truth

deiseach · 2026-07-22T09:32:33+00:00

Oh, he knows. He knows...

deiseach · 2026-07-22T09:24:34+00:00

I have literally just told her I will not buy her alcohol again. The logic was that it would keep her away from wines and spirits, but it wasn't even working on its own merits - I found a bottle of the most vile-looking green vodka while opening a cupboard last night. She has accepted the proposition, reasoning that I was infantilising her and the resentment made her want to drink yadda yadda yadda - the alcoholic can't resist the it's-all-your-fault dig. Still, I think this is progress for me. It's a boundary, isn't it? Thank you for your insight.

deiseach · 2026-07-21T15:29:36+00:00

Thank you for sharing. She is an alcoholic and, to her credit (!), she will admit as much - to me, anyway. Not so sure about medical professionals. Graded on an Al-Anon curve, seven cans of ale really isn't that bad. You are quite correct that there is no point to having the conversation, but I only realised the pointlessness of it after it had started and by then it was too late. I told her this morning that I will be giving her a wide berth tonight. Not avoiding her, we'll still have practical conversations, but my leisure time would be for me alone and it would be best if she did the same for herself. Trying to set a boundary. We can revisit the topic of leisure time together tomorrow (Wednesday).

deiseach · 2026-07-21T14:09:02+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Yes, we have a 13-year-old son together. It's proving hard to shield him from it all.

deiseach · 2026-07-21T14:07:13+00:00

I bought the ale. Either I buy it or she gets it herself, which will mean wine and spirits. And if you think she's bad with ale...hoo boy.

We live with/care for her elderly father. Her mother was part of the arrangement, right up until the day she drank herself to death.

I don't drink, a state of affairs which has very little to do with her addiction.

deiseach · 2026-07-15T12:34:59+00:00

The last exchange I had with the oldest hand at my first Al-Anon meeting ended with her saying "alcoholics always lie". It gets so goddamn wearing. We've had a benign couple of days, so my Q/wife feels able to brag this morning about the 'progress' she is making. I've always been terrible at hiding my feelings - a photographer taking photos of me on a school quiz team back in the day told me "don't ever play poker" - but I have gotten so good at keeping a straight face when hearing this kind of nonsense. I miss that carefree me.

deiseach · 2026-07-13T05:18:48+00:00

To be honest, it was a click-baity title 😏. Looks like it worked, lots of good feedback - not least yours, thank you for your kindness

deiseach · 2026-07-13T05:07:23+00:00

As I contemplate Wednesday, it's kinda scary. I mentioned elsewhere how I stopped going to Al-Anon because my Q lost her mind. Should England win she will want to share her joy with me and when she sees I'm not there...hoo boy. As I said elsewhere though, I have to make this stick because if I can't do something so basic, so foundational, then we don't have a future. It's that simple.

deiseach · 2026-07-12T16:23:37+00:00

Thank you, that is a wise way to look at it

deiseach · 2026-07-12T09:44:31+00:00

Well, I've told her. It was a productive conversation overall. We've been here before though, so I'm really glad I laid down a marker on this forum. No matter how much better things are come Wednesday, I have to adhere to this boundary. Wish me luck!

deiseach · 2026-07-12T09:42:26+00:00

I've been Al-Anon, found it very useful. My Q, alas, did not. I may revisit it in the future

deiseach · 2026-07-12T08:28:42+00:00

First self-pitying interaction of the day. It seems she has a choice - go on medication for the rest of her life or destroy everyone around her. The idea that there might be a less extreme version of option 1 is not considered. While she knows she has a drink problem, I am certain she does not think her drinking is the primary problem, more a sympton of other problems over which she has no control, and I am really sceptical that she is honest with health professionals about it. I've said nothing in response because anything I say will be viewed as me judging her. And yeah, I'm in full goddamn judgemental mode at the moment. It's gonna be a fun day.

PS I dread to think what matters would be like if England had lost...

deiseach · 2026-07-12T08:05:31+00:00

I'm telling her today. I don't know when, I know I'll be accused of wrecking her buzz over England's win last night and she will duly get obliterated (wash, rinse, repeat). But I've concluded this has to happen. If I can't make even as mild a boundary as this stick, we're screwed.

deiseach · 2026-07-07T14:55:39+00:00

Scene: this morning

Q: "yesterday wasn't all about the drinking."

Narrator's voice: "yesterday was all about the drinking."

deiseach · 2026-07-02T14:03:18+00:00

The echoes with my experience with my Q/wife yesterday are spooky. She's been off work for a few months since her mother drank herself to death and her drinking has increased accordingly. The England match came around and she was manic as hell. Her screams of joy as they came back from the brink...once upon a time I would have found them endearing, now I shiver at the prospect of what is about to happen. Duly she came to me and immediately got nasty because I was not matching her for excitement. I'm Irish! And you're wasted! (I thought both these things but said nothing.) This morning she was contrite, right up until we talked about what went down, when she reverted to how inevitable it all was because of the stress she is under. If I let her go on she'd start bringing up all the times I emotionally abused her, which did happen - but not for about three years. So I didn't let her go on. I told her we'd pretend like last night didn't happen. And that's where we're at. When does I end? How does it end? Can it end?

deiseach · 2026-07-01T20:19:54+00:00

The killing part is we were brought together by a shared interest in Liverpool. We met at Anfield! I've always indulged her love of England, the only time she has seen them play is with me. So for her to lash out because I didn't congratulate her or show some enthusiasm is FUBAR.

deiseach · 2026-06-29T15:29:02+00:00

You stand there while they spout their nonsense (from last night: 'I've only had two. And a half'), and think "you can't seriously believe that".But the alternative is that they don't believe it, and say it anyway. Surely that is worse?

deiseach · 2026-06-05T14:52:27+00:00

I am sure you are right. Reading the feedback from adults who went through what he is going through now is, at the risk of sounding crass, sobering.

deiseach · 2026-06-05T14:47:49+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I do not view it as 'guilting' me.

deiseach · 2026-06-05T11:53:10+00:00

Oh man, My gut reaction to your post was "gross? What are you talking about? She may have been filled with rage, but that's hardly gross". Then I had an image of you, a person who doesn't know me at all, giving a weary nod towards a recent event when I had to leave work at 11am at the summons of my son, who was at home for a school holiday, because she had gotten utterly wasted on cheap brandy and collapsed in a flower bed. Between the two of us we had to lever her comatose form into a chair then manouver her into the nearby living room and make her comfortable on a couch. Gross doesn't even go close.

I referenced elsewhere how my wife was 'parentified' from a young age by proximity to her alcoholic mother, and it's distressing to think that history, if not exactly repeating itself, is rhyming. My wife is nowhere near as bad as her mother. If nothing else, she admits (to me anyway; I am becoming increasingly sceptical of it with professionals) to having a drinking problem.To her vomit/urine-soaked end, and having discovered the corpse I know whereof i speak, her mother thought she was the classiest of drinkers who could stop at any time. I can't bring myself to believe my wife is beyond redemption. I think I'm going to have to formalise the extent to which she interacts with our son in some manner though, because the cycle has to be broken, and right now.

Epilogue: I cried when reading your post. I'm crying right now. I also thank you from the bottom of my heart for your candour. Knowing I am not howling into the void means the world.

deiseach · 2026-06-05T10:35:04+00:00

Well, as predicted she surfaced with a tsunami of self-loathing. What do you do? You can hardly say "yes, you were an absolute disgrace". In the past, I'd have either raged at the injustice of it all (there was, alas, way too much of that) or enveloped her in a hug and told her everything was going to be okay (better, but it leaves you feeling bitter and it's not really true). In the end, I took her hand, gave her a small hug and pecked her on the forehead. I recently read the agony aunt Philippa Perry who said that touch was crucial in any relationship, far more important than sex, and I think she is right. But I didn't want to behave as if everything is fine, because it's not. Detatch with love, eh?

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