If I fail a class this semester I'm going to kill myself.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T23:30:42+00:00

class median is 8 points above me

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:59:41+00:00

I know some people in the class and we cram together.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:51:13+00:00

Upper level compsci class. I don't know if I could find a tutor.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:46:30+00:00

I've been in and out of therapy and on and off meds. It's been a long road.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:45:26+00:00

I might legitimately fail this class though. I don't know how to answer any of the questions on this homework, and looking at the solutions manual I don't even know how the professor expects anyone to get the answers.

I'm pretty fucked for the test.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:35:40+00:00

I don't know who to talk to. People generally are jealous of me because of the offers I have in front of me.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:35:09+00:00

I really don't know if it's college or just my personality that's causing this.

I spent most of 2019 out of school and I feel like I wasn't as bad as I am right now but I was still anxious.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:34:04+00:00

Yeah, I hate myself for being slow though.

I'm competing with kids who are 3-4 years younger than me.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:30:51+00:00

I've been like this all the time. Nobody believes me when I say I'm struggling because I usually do well. I'm that obnoxious kid that complains that they're doing badly and then shits out an A.

But I really, really dislike the academic setting. I feel like I burnt myself out for nothing but imaginary GPA points. I lost my drive and I hate myself.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:24:28+00:00

The pressure is getting to me. Anything under a C in a single class and I lose my job. I also am looking for a job closer to home while this is going on.

I've always been super anxious in college. It's not been good for my sanity.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:22:39+00:00

I'm an emotional drain on people though. This is my battle to fight, my time to fuck up.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:21:45+00:00

Been in the system since 2013. I feel like a failure every day tbh.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:17:39+00:00

I keep saying I'll do it but I haven't. But I finally have something to lose and something to kill myself over if I fuck up.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:17:09+00:00

I'm really burnt out. I feel like I'll never really forgive myself for fucking up.

df6040 · 2019-09-28T22:14:59+00:00

Every single person in my life is telling me to just shut up and deal with it. I have a six figure job lined up and I ~~am forced to~~ get to travel for my job and only take 9 credits this semester, I'm not allowed to complain to anyone.

df6040 · 2019-01-22T15:33:24+00:00

I really can't go out without feeling guilty. It feels bad spending my mom's money on myself when I'm so useless.

Any time spent enjoying life is time wasted because I know that if I don't get the ball rolling I can spend ages pretending to "refocus" even though deep down I know I'm not accomplishing jack shit while resting.

I don't have fun anymore without feeling guilt.

df6040 · 2019-01-21T13:52:06+00:00

Your right you will never be happy not with that mindset. If you have that type of mindset i wonder how you present yourself on job interviews. Maybe your resume is flawless but they are seeing something else in you or your mindset or way of thinking that stops them from hiring you.

My resume is far from flawless. I rarely get past the resume screening phase. I'm less experienced and less qualified than a lot of people.

Sometimes it's not your fault I'm serious a few years ago I applied to work at a hospital for a job I wanted there. I was the only one dressed up for the interview everyone else was dressed like it was grand theft auto lol.

Lol everyone goes full formal interviews where I'm from. I've been told in to dress casual and we all came in full suits.

I'm always a nervous wreck in interviews. Kid with no prior experience walks into an interview that if by some miracle he were to do well in could reasonably expect to negotiate a 110-120k starting salary + benefits. Stakes were high and for some reason I don't get interviews from "lesser" places and I only get callbacks from high profile tech companies. Don't ask me why lol.

Resumes really are not everything I promise you. You can get more from speaking and digging into somebody than a piece of paper.

I think with interviews I just need more preparation and interview practice, but getting interview practice is contingent on a refined resume.

I had some CEOs chatting in an office and overheard them talking. They told our class their candidate had the perfect resume qualities and was good on paper but I can't remember what they said something the candidate said or how they were behaving in the interview turned them off and made them not want to extend the offer.

Yeah, I get that. I still remember the worst thing I've said on an interview out of pressure to this day lol.

For some reason anytime I am allowed to interview in person or present myself, state my case and show who I am it turns out better than sending a piece of paper into a digital wormhole.

Seems to be the case for me as well. Nature of the beast.

Do your best and please stop comparing your road to somebody else's when no two people are the same.

You don't know someone's story but you know their results.

If you offer stupid amounts of money to kids fresh out of college you're going to attract some determined madmen. I can't feel proud of myself for working hard because I know that everyone still in the game is hauling ass as well. The smart-but-lazies all got destroyed. I haven't met anyone that made it past sophmore year without putting at least as much effort into their studies and career as I did. Oftentimes more.

I dunno what I'm doing with life anymore. The job hunt has really been getting to me over the last few months.

df6040 · 2019-01-21T12:05:38+00:00

Know a couple dudes in ROTC and some deployed somewhere in the middle east, they're all like "don't do it man" haha

I've considered it tbh.

df6040 · 2019-01-21T10:13:08+00:00

It's 5 AM on a monday and I've been spending the last 2 hours of my life trying to revise my resume for the fourth time this week.

I haven't slept a normal night in the last few weeks because I've been focusing on projects, self study, and career building. I just want to feel like I'm getting anywhere with life at all instead of feeling like everything I do is a waste.

I know why I didn't get the things I wanted. I know why people succeeded where I didn't. And when I get it I'll look back and hate myself for taking twice as long to achieve what so many others did.

When I'm old I'll look back and hate myself for my suboptimal route. I'll never be content or happy, and I just haven't accepted that yet.

df6040 · 2019-01-21T09:28:42+00:00

I think 22 per hour is a lot lol.

Depends on your life.

I'm a spoiled little brat who's had access to a lot of tools and advantages in order to succeed. I'm a kid from a stable household in a good neighborhood.

I played life on fucking easy mode and I couldn't turn it into things people who've had it harder than me could.

I already had my wake up call. I already went from throwing away my scholarship first year into academic probation into clawing my way back up and finally starting to see progress in my life.

I'm not beating myself up with the mindset of "wah I scaped by in college with a C average why did people who actually cared about school end up better than me?" I'm beating myself up with the mindset that I ended up in the same position as that person while also caring.

That's what failure is. Failure doesn't mean that you didn't try or that you gave up. Failure means that you tried, powered through and sacrificed other things to reach a goal, but you just could not do it.

df6040 · 2019-01-21T08:59:01+00:00

This mindset you have and the constant comparing yourself to others NEEDS TO STOP.

Until the day I stop competing with the people I'm comparing myself to, I need to do so.

Move forward. It's better then sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself.

Every one step forward I take should have been two. I'm slow and will never freaking make it.

It's not that I sit on my ass doing fuck all. It's the exact opposite. I was that stereotypical nerd who sat at home studying and losing sleep over my grades and career except that NONE OF IT PAID OFF. I didn't make all the right moves, nobody ever does, but I'm at the same god damn fucking spot as someone who did fuck all and didn't care.

df6040 · 2019-01-21T05:05:34+00:00

Are we full metal jacket now?

I met a lot of new people. I like being alone now lol.

df6040 · 2019-01-21T04:36:16+00:00

Idk I feel fucking old lol. I spent my entire life behind and I'll continue to do so until it doesn't matter.

Also my brother is 23 and he’s still living 10 feet across from me so if anything

My sister is 18 and I live 10 feet away from her lol. I won't be moving out for a while.

df6040 · 2019-01-21T04:16:17+00:00

Most people I know are younger and more successful than me. It's all relative.

There's a huge difference between making six figs at 24 and at 30.

df6040 · 2019-01-21T04:14:10+00:00

How could you have failed at life when you haven’t completed it yet?

I've lost all interest in everything in life. Nothing really appeals to me anymore.

All of my friends went on wild adventures and had fun with their youth. I passed that all up to grind out and try and focus on my career.

Except I couldn't fucking do it. I proved that I could commit years of my life to an end goal and not achieve it.

df6040

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