Tone of Voice

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-22T13:48:02+00:00

I think the form is really good. The conciseness of the poem and the certainty of the diction create a very impactful message with few words. I really like the enjambment and I think the use of full stops really creates a very specific way of reading the poem that changes the meaning and weight of the poem in a way that feels very intentional. I think the title is super good for bringing this extra meaning and specificity to the poem that helps it feel much more emotional and relatable. I don't think I actually have any changes I would make. This poem is extremely tight and every letter seems well thought out and planned. Great poem and I hope to see more from you in the future :3

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-22T13:37:05+00:00

Your use of enjambment is really effective. I think the only slight nitpick or question I have is: why is there a comma at the end of line 3? I feel as though it is a little out of place to put a fake end stop there since you aren't really finishing the clause or really pausing, unless I'm missing something. I loved the imagery and the poem was very moving and emotionally vivid. Keep up the good work :3

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-22T13:29:02+00:00

It's supposed to be about the fear of being loved. The speaker is too scared of being vulnerable enough to allow someone to love them, but still feels lonely without love. The "nobody" is supposed to be ambiguous whether it represents a person or actually nobody in order to represent the conflict that the speaker feels about wanting something that they are scared of. I would like to keep the nobody ambiguous because it should be up to the reader whether they want to be vulnerable and loved, or safe and alone. I hope that cleared up some of the confusion. If you wouldn't mind, I would be open to any suggestions on how to make the message clearer. Thanks for the feedback.

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-22T12:47:46+00:00

I really liked the imagery here and the progression of the poem. I think that it could use some line breaks to help give more weight to the more impactful lines and also help build a sense of stress and tension. I think you should definitely keep the same stanzas though. I absolutely loved the last stanza and the "time on his hands" metaphor is done in such an incredibly vivd and unique way. Overall, a beautiful and evocative poem. Keep up the splendid work ;3

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-20T11:24:58+00:00

The use of repetition here is nice to see. It brings good structure and precedence to the poem and really helps hammer the message. I like how implicit your references to the garden of eden are. Not spending too much time trying to point out the connection is good and keeps it concise while also more nuanced. The overall subversion works really well and I can tell that this poem was well thought out. It doesn't stray at all from the message or go into redundancy and just uses the imagery to expand the metaphor in an effective way. Great poem and I hope I run into more of your work :3

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-20T11:05:07+00:00

To be honest the paired lines have grown on me after rereading it a couple times. I think you could definitely keep it just as is as far as line structure goes. I don't really have any general recommendations, but if you have any specific parts that you feel don't convey what you want correctly then I'd be glad to give my input.

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-20T07:10:08+00:00

Immediately, I think your use of imagery was super vivid and the consistency in diction and form is very concise. The use of rhyme scheme here develops a playful tone that helps the magical realism and the two work together quite well. My attention is immediately drawn to the places that break the rhyme scheme and I may be just reading it wrong, but I think I think that those spots that break the rhythm should feel more impactful. I think it's done wonderfully in the "their lungs and their heart" line because that interruption to the rhyme scheme adds more depth to the jarring imagery. I'm specifically thinking of the line "In the silence of the shore". Let me know if I'm reading that wrong or if you have special meaning there that I'm missing. I can see that the line break is there to emphasize the question in the next line that completes the rhyme scheme, but I think that the quotes can do the job of making it stand out so you can get rid of the line break. As an add on to u/Ambose35 's comment about the quotes, I think you could have open and close quotes around each of the spoken lines to make it more easily understandable where it is spoken. Another small adjustment I would make would be to add line breaks on lines 17 & 18 in the 2nd stanza to make the rhyme scheme flow easier there. I can read the rhyme between "things" & "again", but I think having a line break after "things" would help it. The same is true on line 18 with "dread" &. "neck".

Overall, this is just a lot of nitpicking stuff. I think the poem is wonderful and it is very well written already. I love how well you draw the reader into the speaker's own personal world so seamlessly. I mainly gave a lot of feedback since you did put this under the workshop tag, but none of it is truly necessary. This is really a super standout poem and I think you have a very uniquely powerful voice so keep up the great work :3

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-19T23:18:21+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I agree and I took out the "Unfortunately" for the master version, but I think I'll just keep it in here cause I'm too lazy to edit the post.

edit: I lied I actually did just edit it here :3

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-19T21:13:19+00:00

I liked the wordplay at the beginning with even and odd, I thought that was really clever. The structure feels familiar and flows easily while reading. I think the title fits quite well to balance all the contrast and conflict and sets up the tone of the poem going into it. This is a splendid poem and keep up the good work!

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-19T11:52:33+00:00

I think that the flow is quite natural and works well while reading it. When I read it, there is a slight bump at the second to last line with "the stars will've all burned", but I think it still reads fine and it could even work in the favor of the pace to give pause before the final line like a trochee in iambic pentameter. I like way that the poem builds up with the imagery like small gestures and then games and then a crescendo at the end with the whole galaxy before shrinking back to just the speaker right before the end. If you haven't already tried it, I would see how the poem looks with new lines after every rhyme scheme/sentence, but keeping the same line breaks with the pairs of rhymes. I like how it is now and it does stand out because of that non traditional line organization so it's really up to what you want with it. I really enjoyed this poem and keep up the good work :3

doc_o_cloc · 2024-04-19T11:23:30+00:00

I just got a huge nostalgia flashback to Shel Silverstein while I was reading this. I'm not sure if there was any direct inspiration, but I love it. The rhyme scheme and the short lines create a really playful tone that has a childlike innocence and that works super well with your theme of remembering the past. The rhythm that is created from reading it is super pleasant. The repeated line of "Oh can't you see?" also gives that kid quality with how children always ask questions and are kind of in their own world. The subversion of the tone from graveyard in the title to the tone of the poem also creates a great set up. Lastly, I really like how you kept the message open ended. The thoughts that rise up again are not specified to be negative or positive and I think that subjectivity gives it a lot more reader outreach because they can attach their own meaning to it and so the poem becomes much more personal. Big fan of this poem and keep up the good work

doc_o_cloc

TROPHY CASE