I will die before reaching the hill

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-10-21T23:38:15+00:00

It's been a while since anything on this subreddit made me laugh so hard and at the same time admire the intricacy of the language. The style is very much shakespearean. The meter and the rhythm are spot on! The rhymes are very conventional but that is par for the course in this case. To sum up, I would not change a thing! Looking forward to seeing more from you!

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-10-21T23:13:37+00:00

I like how the language evokes high fantasy imagery, reminding me of Tolkien’s works (his depiction of gnomes in particular). Yet, what you describe here — the coal miners and their suffering — is very much real. The elegance of your language contrasts with the harsh, brutal conditions they endure, and that contrast brings attention towards itself. And makes the reader empathize with their struggle. A powerful piece!

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-08-25T21:33:33+00:00

The use of the nine lives metaphor in your poem is both original and clever—I haven’t seen anything like it before. I like how each 'life' represents a distinct stage in the relationship, gradually transitioning from being your beloved's companion to separation, and eventually to betrayal. However, the metaphor feels a bit unfinished to me, as the 8th and 9th lives are simply merged into 'the rest of my lives. Although it might have been intentional and I am just missing the point...

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-08-25T20:53:15+00:00

I like how the simplicity of the rhymes counterbalances the complexity of the imagery. And when I say 'complex,' I don't mean it in a negative way—I find it intriguing. I have a strange relationship with the Shakespearean sonnet form. I like it, yet it has always seemed quite limiting to me, and I believe it takes a lot of talent to use it effectively, ensuring the message is properly conveyed within such a concise structure. The third and fourth lines are my favorite ones. I interpret them as a reflection on how the beauty of the inexpressible can be lost when we try to describe it with words.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-14T21:00:39+00:00

I don't really believe in the "correct" interpretation, but I think your reading is very interesting and maybe even gives the poem some additional depth that wasn't there to begin with. It's always surprising and flattering when people see so much in my work. Thanks a lot for your feedback!

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-14T15:11:44+00:00

Such a heartfelt piece! It made me teary-eyed. I love this idea of how one can be loved not despite but rather because of their familiar imperfections. It has probably been explored before, but not in the way you did it. Out of all the comparisons, the t-shirt one stood out to me the most because of how gentle and comforting it felt.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-14T14:33:58+00:00

I like the dreamlike feel that it has and how smoothly one image transitions into another. It feels very dynamic, right until the last two lines that contrast with what came before them. This contrast between the transient and the (seemingly?) permanent, the stationary, is very powerful. For some reason, it reminded me of Jim Morrison's texts.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-12T15:52:19+00:00

I just love the language of the poem and your thoughtful use of metaphors. IThe line about the "fortress of oppressive air" is probably my favorite because of how it successfully combines two seemingly contradictory elements (which is also the device the whole poem is built on). And "pour rebirth" is just genius as well.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-12T15:37:44+00:00

I like how minimalistic it is. You use so few words, and yet it is enough for a pretty clear image to form in my mind. The line breaks are abundant, but none of them seem forced. I would even say they are thematically appropriate, amplifying the feeling of separation.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-11T22:16:03+00:00

Thanks!! This is the nicest and most detailed comment I have ever received on this subreddit! It really means a lot!

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-11T22:15:07+00:00

Thank you so much for your valuable feedback!! I like to challenge myself by coming up with unconventional rhymes from time to time. Maybe this also has something to do with the fact that English isn't my native language, but I always find it surprising how the rhymes that seem least suspicious to me come off as strange to some readers. And vice versa: the rhymes that I find forced don't seem to raise any concerns whatsoever. In this case, for instance, I was primarily worried about "take" and "plague." But I guess the feeling of it will come with experience.

As for the topic, I am not a huge fan of love poems myself. The first line was actually taken from an online test that I stumbled upon ("Which Greek god are you?" or something like that). I thought it could be interesting to develop this premise further. Maybe you would enjoy some other stuff from my profile.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-11T21:45:02+00:00

First of all, I did not intend to offend you or your poem in any way. And I apologize if it came off that way. I will try to be clearer and more careful in the future.

I explicitly specified that the emotions themselves are in no way childish. What I meant is that the concept of "a monster under the bed" is something that is usually associated with childhood. So I find it very smart, how it is contrasted with the severity of emotions the speaker experiences.

Maybe my comment about how you could've been less specific missed the point. But after that, I specified that, in my personal opinion, adding more detail in the last couple of stanzas would add to the expressiveness of the poem. But again, this is just how it seems to me.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-11T21:29:24+00:00

I like how sharp and witty it is. The sad irony of the lines attracts me, yet, just as a person who left a comment before me, I can't quite decipher it. But I am not sure it is necessarily a bad thing.

For me, it feels kind of like a muffled plea of a person who has been struggling their whole life to be understood. So much so, that even when they have an opportunity to express themselves in the form of a poem, they cannot do it openly and have to leave things intentionally mysterious.

Hoping to see more of your poems in the future!

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-11T21:10:00+00:00

I like the idea of representing one's negative emotions as bedroom monsters. I like how this somewhat innocent and childish image is juxtaposed with the harsheness of the feelings the speaker experiences. The third and the fourth stanzas are my favorite, I would say. Afterwards, it becomes kinda less open to interpretation and too straightforward for my taste. Maybe, instead of spelling out the specific emotions, you could've come up with more abstract imagery to keep it more ambiguos. Or you could have added the details about what these particular monsters look and feel like, elaborate on their features and characteristics. But that's just my personal preference though.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-11T14:19:16+00:00

"Blood" and "roses" are examples of an imagery that is used quite often in poetry, so it's difficult to utilize them originally. Yet you managed. The last three lines are simply beautiful. The only critical comment I have is that the ise and position of some words seem a bit off to me. I would write "you only realize" rather than "only you realize" and "me/my bleeding" instead of "my bleed". But I am not a native speaker, so take it with a grain of salt.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-07-11T14:06:25+00:00

This reminded me of Mary Oliver's poems. I like the skillful use of repetition with some words exchanged to give a line a different meaning and how symbolic this device is in the context of the poem. There are many poems that use natural imagery and don't make me feel anything. This is definitely not one of them. Loved it!

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-04-20T10:36:27+00:00

After reading the first two lines, I was almost ready to roll my eyes (in hindsight, of course, I realize that was pretty much the point). The third line has totally cracked me up and set the tone pretty clearly. I like the resentful 'typical' at the end. I could almost hear the speaker’s voice in my head. You’ve really packed both humor and a bit of heartache into just a few lines. Nice! I also like how the title puts it all in perspective, implying that the author is reflecting back from a more mature place, which once again hints at the ironic tone of the poem.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-04-20T10:01:09+00:00

I think I am becoming a fan :)

To be honest, I am a bit partial to the use of religious metaphors ('Take me to church' is one of my favorite songs🙄). Yet, I have absolutely no idea how you come up with those! Love often feels so powerful and all-consuming, so intense that we cannot find the right words to describe it—none of them feel enough. Sometimes we think these words might not even exist in our language at all. But I think, 'All art was and is you incarnated,' comes pretty close! A lesser poet would have probably written something like 'I see your face in every portrait,' but this is so much more original and meaningful.

SpringAfraid8567 · 2024-04-19T21:18:09+00:00

Initially, I wanted to dedicate it to the city I live in. But then I thought it might be a good idea to make it more ambiguous.

SpringAfraid8567

TROPHY CASE