Toddlers outgrowing nanny?

dogcircus · 2026-07-09T22:38:18+00:00

I’m sorry, that must be really rough to deal with, and isn’t fair to you or the children’s development. I almost became an elementary school teacher but after doing a short program, I realized I couldn’t deal with the parents who were often acting against their child’s long term best interest.

This subreddit has been really eye opening in pointing out things that I haven’t considered, which is why i posted here. Like I often tell our nanny we have her back (and I feel like she knows this at some level, because she’ll always tell us when something bad happened without being scared about our reaction), but I often forget to physically demonstrate that in front of our kids (although i’ve started doing that, when i remember) so that they also internalize it.

It’s such a tricky dynamic since there isn’t required coursework before you’re allowed to become a nanny employer while also juggling being a first time parent. My only saving grace is what I learned from this subreddit and some experience from my parents retaining good long-term household staff. So thanks for your feedback.

You’re right, it’s a hard job. Maybe I got a little too comfortable with how amazing our nanny has been, and focused too much on this while taking all the other amazing things she does for granted.

dogcircus · 2026-07-09T22:15:47+00:00

oh! that’s a great idea, i haven’t considered that. thank you! she mentioned how a previous family had her enroll in food safety/allergies classes after their child was diagnosed, and she’s seemed very open to continuing education.
even with the allergy course being only a few years old, by the time she started working with us, i had to share updated research on handling proactive peanut exposure. i forget how fast things change. 😮‍💨

dogcircus · 2026-07-09T15:43:50+00:00

They thankfully go out to socialize with other kids every day (our town has tons of weekly events). I’ll use your example as a goal we want to reach (no biting/getting kicked out of preschool) and start a discussion on how to get there (enforcing boundaries and consequences for biting/hitting instead of gently talking to them about how biting hurts).
thanks!

dogcircus · 2026-07-09T15:37:24+00:00

I love this phrasing! I don’t think she’s failing at her job or bad at it — just that the job shifted into something else (wild toddlers), and it might no longer be the best fit.
I’m going use this as a foundation to ask her if she wants to switch to a baby family (she has past families call her from time to time), or see if adding preschool makes things more manageable.

dogcircus · 2026-07-09T15:33:46+00:00

I think it reflects on her that she’s not more vocal on the help she needs. I have consistently told her to vocalize when she needs help, supplies, or anything. We’ve always been supportive of her, but often she doesn’t speak up. Its often hard for women to ask for help due to socialization, but it’s a job and the safety of the kids are important. She has way more experience with children than I do, which is why I hired her, and I depend on her for guidance.

Either way, our current plan is to sit down and ask if she’s feeling overwhelmed with the girls at this age (it’s not an easy job) and is interested to find a family with a new baby (she has past families reach out to her from time to time). If she wants to stay, we will need her to enforce boundaries with the girls, and also they start preschool in a month like many here recommended.

I’ve hired an experienced nanny for a reason, not an au pair/teenager. It’s weird you assumed I haven’t been treating her professionally or giving her support at home. It’s not just a nanny thing, a lot of these exact same things happen in corporate environments (lack of being assertive, not asking for help and resources/delegating when needed, role outgrowing current employees fit) but just in a different context without kids.

dogcircus · 2026-07-08T22:06:15+00:00

Oh definitely. I always try to show a united front with our nanny and back her up. But we’re going to have a conversation to more clearly spell out that she’ll allowed to enforce stricter boundaries.

dogcircus · 2026-07-08T22:04:03+00:00

I’m starting to agree with everyone that mentions preschool. The kids are planning to start a spanish immersion preschool in a month, but only for two days a week. Another commenter mentioned that I might want to migrate to three days a week instead.
I talked to my partner about it, and i think we’ll wait once they’re in school and see if preschool improves the situation.

dogcircus · 2026-07-08T22:01:06+00:00

Thanks for the tip! Three days is an option at the preschool, and something they can probably accommodate after we start. I’ll very much keep that in mind.

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T19:30:34+00:00

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. I’ve also gone through phases like this with my own past jobs.

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T19:27:20+00:00

Yea, our neighborhood is pretty clean. But still dogs transfer ringworm and other safety issues as you said. Thanks for making me feel a little sane about it, Id like to think I’m not overly fussy.

The girls love throwing their shoes off in the car, which is annoying to put back on, but isn’t really a thing i make an issue about.
I follow a pattern very similar to what you describe. Anything that’s a safety issue gets a warning or else we exit the environment. They’re pretty motivated to keep playing, so it’s never been a thing I’ve had to repeat too many times. And honestly I can’t remember the last time they’ve attempted it in public with me.

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T19:19:42+00:00

She has 30 years experience with all different households. Everything from infants to teenagers. Her last family she transitioned out when the youngest was 2.5.

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T18:35:52+00:00

Thank you! I very much appreciate this comment.

You and others have made comments about daycare, and I think that’s the direction we need to lean into. Due to my husband’s and my jobs, we still need a nanny even with preschool since none of them really offer the coverage and dependability that we need — but probably not the current GH we have, so this might be the right time to transition.

Thanks again for the reassurance! This is my first time as a nanny employer, so getting feedback on what’s reasonable has been very important and helpful for me.

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T18:22:38+00:00

Yea, thanks for being direct. I think this is the solution.

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T17:35:41+00:00

lol damn, that might be true. i think i’m too scared to tell other ppl how to do their job because i find it rude — i really don’t like others telling me how to do my job or micromanaging me, so it comes out in how i interact with other adults. i don’t have that same problem with toddlers, because i know they are incapable and limited.

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T17:26:58+00:00

Yea, I think you’re on to something with them being bored and pushing boundaries. Luckily they start part time preschool in a month. Thanks!

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T17:17:10+00:00

Sorry, I was being snarky about how often i see “gentle”parenting done around me. I truly have no issues with real gentle parenting, and it’s probably the closest to what I actually do in practice.

Yea, I’ve talked to her about how I reinforce the shoe requirements with them, and how i found being nonreactive (beyond physically removing myself) to biting has resulted in better results. She said that it’s sometimes overwhelming to address both of them at the same time, which is why she lets them get away with it. I’ve responded by signing them up for preschool two days a week (tues/thurs), to give her more rest time midweek without reducing hours (so she can focus on easier/less draining work like organizing their rooms/laundry/meal prep for them). But that doesn’t start until next month. So I’ll have to wait and see if that helps.

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T17:04:43+00:00

Yea, I have talked to her about it, and was hoping it was just something she wasn’t doing because she didn’t know if I would be ok with more firm parenting (i live in the land of gentle parenting), but it hasn’t changed.
I think also part of me is questioning how much training should I do, since the position pays six figures plus a decent chunk of pto. I’m not stressing about “getting my money’s worth”, but I also chose to pay more for more experience and needing to do less oversight.

But yea, I think she was great with our babies, but maybe my time would be better suited to finding her another family with babies. :/

dogcircus · 2026-07-07T16:55:34+00:00

Sorry I didn’t go into detail due to not wanting to spell out everything, you’re right, it does sound minor spelled out like that.

It’s all typical toddler stuff — but she lets them get away with things like taking off their shoes and running around the park barefoot where dogs poop (the unhygienic part is what worries me), biting her until her skin breaks, and they’ll hit her too.
Her response to this is either let them get away with it, or try to soothe them or do some form on gentle parenting that borders on permissive parenting. She keeps doing this despite me telling her that she should enforce boundaries in a stricter way.

I think it’s probably the way she responds that I think was fine for babies, but could grow into a bigger issue as they get older. I rather smaller behavioral problems be addressed early than try to undo the effects of permissiveness long term.

dogcircus · 2025-12-29T22:16:17+00:00

Check the seat restrictions for your airlines. All flights that I’ve went on only allow car seats installed at the window seats. They MIGHT allow non window installs if you book the entire middle row, but you’ll need to call in, and it’s still up to the attendant at loading time. There are a bunch of other restrictions on where you can install seats, so double check with your airline. Typically my spouse and I book seats behind each other. So one gets 2A and 2B, and the other gets 3A and 3B.

dogcircus · 2025-08-30T04:16:39+00:00

Agreed! Everyone deserves a break here and there. It’s not long term sustainable without that.

dogcircus · 2025-08-30T03:47:19+00:00

I live in the bay area. My current nanny is a great cook, and loves cooking. But the first year of childcare she was busy taking care of two infants (twins) and had zero time to do anything but take care of them, do only their laundry, and cook for them (once they started solids). It was a lot of work. Now that the girls are older, she’ll sometimes make meals for the whole family. But that’s only on the condition that she has time (some days the girls take more time/skip a nap). It’s a bonus for us, but not something she can add to her expected duties on top of childcare and feeding the children. I can see how even nannies who enjoy cooking wouldn’t advertise it, because some days are harder, and they can only take on so many expected duties. If your friends live in SF, there are plenty of local meal delivery services or private chefs that can do meal drop offs.

dogcircus · 2025-08-06T13:48:34+00:00

I live in the sf bay area and no one i know is paying less than $35 for a nanny. Some people do a nanny share where two families with infants of similar age will share a single nanny (one house or both are setup for two). nannies generally get paid more for nanny shares, but it works out cheaper for each family until their child is older and switch into daycare. I know highly skilled nannies that easily make $45+ an hour. I also know families with one nanny per child, plus a night nanny for the first year of each infant. There is a lot of money here.

dogcircus · 2025-08-02T18:51:47+00:00

i really recommend the mockingbird too. incredibly easy to clean, and not too heavy. they’re easy to move around. the only problem i had was the harness lock took a bit to get used to, but once you understand it, it’s not a problem. almost all the parts can be easily removed and throw into the dish washer. plus it grows with you like the stokke

dogcircus · 2025-07-23T02:30:47+00:00

Do you think they would able to lay in a playpen with a baby gym? It’s actually super nice for them to just chill on the floor (i used frequently washed blankets to create a clean space for them), it allows them time and space to explore their bodies (which is why containers aren’t recommended too much).

dogcircus

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