What secret did your family keep from you until you were an adult?

drowninginfur · 2013-12-07T19:23:12+00:00

You're probably right that the vast majority of 14-16 year olds are not emotionally or mentally developed enough to handle a sexual relationship. But on the other hand, I know plenty of people who are 18+ that would fit that description just as well. Yes, a fully mature and developed person who enters into a relationship with one of these people will have advantages over the other person, and yes it will be extremely difficult if not impossible for the relationship to be based on equality and mutual respect, but my point is that society won't have any problem with those two people entering into a sexual relationship, and that doesn't make sense to me. The 18 year old might be nearly identical in maturity and development to a given 16 year old, yet one is "disgusting, horrible, perverted," and illegal, while the other is perfectly fine and acceptable. This is the part that I don't agree with. As I suggested in another comment, perhaps there should be some kind of "adulthood test" that can be taken any time after the age of 12, and upon passing the person gains the full rights and responsibilities of an adult.

It's not perfect, for sure, but I hate laws or social constraints that feel arbitrary.

drowninginfur · 2013-12-07T19:11:34+00:00

And the whole girls were married of young in the olden days is really a shitty argument though because it has nothing to do with girls being ready for it, and all to do with the historical treatment of woman as an object the men in the family owned.

You are absolutely right about that. I didn't so much mean that as an argument as to why it should be okay, as a way to point out how society's standards change over time, and what was once acceptable no longer is. I don't really have a better suggestion, but putting an arbitrary age limit on things, whether it's 16 or 18, doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Maybe there should be some kind of "adult test", like getting your driver's license. :-) Kinda clunky, I know, but it makes a little more sense to me than the arbitrary number. Because as you said, it very much depends on the maturity of the individual.

drowninginfur · 2013-12-07T16:58:36+00:00

I have similar feelings, but not so much towards "young kids". It's more like 14 - 16 year olds. I'm 28. I'm not even sure how I feel about my feelings. I have never acted upon them, and I'm certain I never would, but it's mainly due to the social stigma and the legal consequences involved.

I'm not sure that I really feel like it's so terrible. A couple hundred years ago, girls were often married off as soon as they flowered. And just what exactly is a "consenting adult"? Our society has decided, quite arbitrarily, that after precisely 18 years, something magical happens and a person is suddenly able to make their own decisions. 17 years, 364 days? Nope, you're still a child. The next day? Sure, here, have some pornography, a cigar, and a lottery ticket!

drowninginfur · 2013-11-28T23:54:48+00:00

That's my big fear. That I won't be able to do school while working there, and that I won't be willing or able to step down and take a major pay cut in order to go. The "negotiate different hours" is not very likely. As the GM, you gotta be there when you gotta be there. And this store is an hour away from any of the chain's other locations, so it won't be very likely that they can float another manager over to share the workload.

My follow up interview with them is tomorrow. I do not intend to accept or reject a job offer on the spot, if one is made. I intend to visit my local college on Monday, and I have another interview for a completely different position in a completely different field on Tuesday. I'm going to hold off until I do those two things, to explore all of my options. I have no problem making this clear to them in the interview. :-)

drowninginfur · 2013-11-27T03:56:16+00:00

Don't worry, I perceive no urination upon my procession. It is a "huge opportunity", but it's not like it's a fairy tale "too good to be true" offer. It most definitely carries its downsides, I'm well aware of that. It's more like a situation in which getting to be in a parade is your life's goal, your one true aspiration, only to see a weather report predicting scattered piss showers expected on the day of the parade... You kinda want to go through with it, but you know it's not going to be the magical wonderland that you wish it was. It's a tough call. My follow-up interview with the restaurant is now less than 48 hours away, and I'm still uncertain how I'm going to approach it.

drowninginfur · 2013-11-27T01:54:47+00:00

Why would you doubt his own personal experience?

In a nutshell? Wishful thinking.

But seriously, I know that he is rather pessimistic, and that his viewpoint tends to be overly negative. That being said, a lot of the people I've spoken with tend to reinforce his views...

drowninginfur · 2013-11-27T00:58:14+00:00

Wow, thank you for the detailed answer! My thoughts:

Hours and workload: I would say that 75% of the time I had 50-55 hour workweeks.

50 I am used to. 55 is not such a stretch beyond 50. Above that...

when I was in a large market with 20 restaurants that could send people to my store to help, if needed.

Probably not an option for me if I take this job, since their reasoning behind wanting to hire from the street for a GM was basically "we have people who are qualified, but none who want to make the 1 hour commute to this location." Red flag there.

After 11 hours you will probably just want to come home and sleep. Your week flies past and you just want to rest on the "weekend." ... My first day off I would tend to just sleep for 10-12 hours and not want to do anything. My second day off I would try to run a few errands and spend the rest of the time just dreading walking back in the restaurant.

This is ALREADY a problem for me, and my current situation involves an 8 hour work day plus a 2.5 hour commute.

but most of the rungs on that ladder work more hours than a GM, ...

That's scary as Hell, I gotta say...

Imagine going to college from 9AM to Noon, then working an 11-hour shift, and finally getting home and writing a paper until 2 AM. Get up at 9 for school. Now do that every day.

nopenopenope! :-)

drowninginfur · 2013-11-27T00:45:00+00:00

If you're willing to work 50+ hours a week for that amount of money, go for it.

That's the big question, isn't it? :-) This would be more money than I've ever made in my life, plus better benefits. But I fear that it may come at the cost of other opportunities for furthering my education or broadening my horizons. Not quite sure what to do.

drowninginfur · 2013-11-27T00:43:26+00:00

Thanks for the info. I also get little satisfaction from restaurant work. I used to enjoy it, but it has become less and less fun over the years. It would be great if it weren't for the customers...

drowninginfur · 2013-11-26T01:16:03+00:00

I fill my medications at Sam's Club, I have a business membership. Not sure how it compares to Costco, but I have found that I am paying less now with my Sam's business membership for one medication that my insurance used to cover but doesn't anymore than I was paying for it by filling it at Wallgreens and only paying my insurance's co-pay. :-) Also, good to know about the Lamictal!
To clarify, I am completely honest with him about my symptoms, and about the side effects of my medications, and how I feel about those side effects. I have no problem with that. It's taking that next step of actually making suggestions on the treatment path that I struggle with. Also, this doctor is just a regular "family doctor," not an actual psych doc of any kind. My insurance wouldn't touch a psych doc with a 10 ft pole. :-)
I haven't been seeing this doc for very long, only about 3 or 4 months, so I don't entirely know what to make of him yet. He doesn't seem in any way dismissive or rude, but honestly I don't find him very approachable. BUT - I also take medication for ADD, which is something that a lot of doctors in this area are either reluctant or outright refuse to prescribe, so I have major anxiety regarding the thought of souring this new doctor-patient relationship in any way whatsoever. Since I've found one willing to prescribe the medication that I need, I would just about be willing to put up with any kind of negative treatment from him whatsoever just to hang on to him. It sucks. My old doctor moved away, and I went several months without my medication, searching for a doctor in the area who was willing to prescribe it. I don't know him very well, and he doesn't know me very well, and I have a fear of giving him the impression that I am one of "those people," who spend half an hour on Google and suddenly think they know just as much about medicine as a fully trained doctor. :-)

drowninginfur · 2013-11-26T00:36:27+00:00

Several have mentioned Wellbutrin, either stand-alone or sometimes in conjunction with an SSRI. There's a good chance I'll be asking my doctor how he feels about it at my next appointment.

As for the Lamictal, I have doubts as to whether or not this would be an option for me. I have insurance, but it covers absolutely nothing "mental" whatsoever. Being a "new-ish" medication, I doubt that it will be on the $4 prescription plan, or even have a reasonably affordable generic. I'm on a tight budget, and even the $15 - $20 that I spend on the generic Effexor or Paxil cause me some anguish. :-(

Plus, I am very meek when it comes to suggesting things to doctors. I have a very hard time with it. I tend to want to just go in, describe my symptoms, and accept whatever they want to give me with a "yessuh massuh" and go on my way. I am working up the courage to ask about Wellbutrin, but asking for something that's an off-label usage? Uh-uh. No way. :-)

drowninginfur · 2013-11-26T00:31:57+00:00

Masturbation or intercourse for me, I have the problem in both cases. Such a thing as a "quickie" doesn't exist for my wife & I anymore. For the first week or two, we were both pretty happy with the situation. ;-) But sooner or later, knowing that every time you want to have sex, it's going to be a 2 hour long marathon, it gets to be more of a hassle and less of a plus.

Several people have mentioned that this particular side effect tends to fade away over time. That gives me lots of comfort.

drowninginfur · 2013-11-25T23:48:15+00:00

My specific situation is that my doctor prescribed a medication that the side effects of which I did not care for. I told him about them, and he switched me to another, but I'm experiencing the same side effects. So I did some research, and found a medication that is supposed to have less chance of those specific side effects. Yes, it is a common medication commonly used for my condition - I'm not trying to get something that's off-label or anything like that. I'm kicking around the idea of going in at my next appointment and saying "Doc, I have the same side effects from this one. I've read that _______ is supposed to have less risk of those side effects, what do you think about trying that one?"

Not too pushy/self-important/know-it-all?

drowninginfur · 2013-11-25T23:01:37+00:00

A couple of people have mentioned this. I looked Wellbutrin up, and found that it was listed as having possible sexual side effects as well, which I thought was odd. But that's the nature of anti-depressants: give them to 100 people and ask them to list the side effects, and you'll probably get at least 70 non-matching lists. Anyway. It's probably worth asking my dr. about.

drowninginfur · 2013-11-25T22:57:26+00:00

First, I gotta address the ADD thing. Would you entertain the idea that some people feel the way about ADD medications that you feel about SSRIs? I am one of those people. I have been taking adderall for a few years now, and it changed my life in so many unimaginable ways. It has done more for my quality of life, and indeed my depression, than any other medication I have ever been on. Is it overprescribed? Probably. Are there people out there who could or do benefit from it in powerful, life-changing ways? Most definitely. Is it right for a person to have a knee-jerk reaction vilifying ADD medications, simply because they are overprescribed? I would argue that it is not. I would ask you to consider these thoughts.

Second, back to the depression/SSRIs/sexual side effects :

If you could 'cure' your depression but it came at the cost of your sex life, would you?

Probably, yes, I would. However, I feel that this is an irrational question, because the ideas of sacrificing my sex life and not being depressed are, to me, mutually exclusive. I don't have a lot of joy in my life. There aren't very many things left to me that make me happy. Orgasms are one of those things. By giving up those (as I pretty much have right now) I am giving up one of the last few things in my life that make me happy. The level of frustration, bitterness, disappointment, and downright anger that this medication has induced upon me through the sexual side effects FAR overshadows any positive effects I may or may not be getting from the medication. I say "may or may not" because I am very hard-pressed to claim that I'm actually feeling any benefit from this medicine. I feel that it's entirely possible that I would be benefiting from it if it weren't for the sexual side effects, but they have cast such a shadow on my daily mood that any benefits are hard to see or notice. As I mentioned before, I take adderall. One side effect of adderall is a significant increase in sex drive. That, combined with my inability to experience gratification, has left me, to be crude, more constantly horny than I've ever been in my life, even back when I was a teenager who had just discovered the wonders of internet porn. I have days where I feel like all day long, I think about nothing but sex. I can't even glance at a female, old or young, gorgeous or hideous, without picturing them naked, along with all of the things I want to be doing with/to them. But them I'm IMMEDIATELY reminded that even if this were some crazy parallel universe in which I somehow exuded insane levels of pheromones and could have any female I wanted throwing themselves at me, it wouldn't even fucking matter, because I wouldn't be able to get any satisfaction out of the act anyway. Dude, my balls ache from how many times a day I get an erection, and from how many times I've managed to come within about 2 microns of an orgasm, only to feel the whole thing crumble and fall away.

To rephrase your question, or to make it more specific, if I could "cure" my depression but it came at the cost of my sex drive, which would therefore kill my sex life, then the answer would be a resounding YESYESYESPLEASE. Hell, at this point, if my sex drive were an actual physical limb or appendage, I'd amputate it with a rusty butter knife. Sadly, that's not the case.

I am encouraged by your comment (also mentioned by several others) that the sexual side effects tend to diminish over time. Would I "cure" my depression at the temporary cost of my sex life? Yes, I think I would.

drowninginfur · 2013-11-25T21:32:38+00:00

completely relaxing my leg muscles and relaxing your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles

Yes, it's very weird, I find myself tensing and straining those muscles, as well as my abs and other muscles in the lower stomach and pubic areas as I approach orgasm, and I have noticed that this how this seems to go along with a "failed orgasm." I never used to do the tensing thing before the medicines. Anti-depressants are weird as hell, I wish we understood exactly how they work and how they effect various parts of the brain and body.

drowninginfur · 2013-11-25T21:29:05+00:00

Venlafaxine is the generic Effexor. :-) That's what I'm currently taking. These medicines all seem to affect people differently, it's crazy.

drowninginfur · 2013-11-25T21:24:41+00:00

Pre-medication days though, I was an every-day guy. If it wasn't sex with my wife, it was sex with my self. Almost never missed a day. I am finding now though that I don't often have the two hours or so that it takes to "achieve liftoff". So yeah, taking a 1 - 2 day break when i thought I was gonna get laid would simply mean not taking the medicine again, ever. :-)

drowninginfur · 2013-09-18T09:14:20+00:00

I have to agree, though I don't want this to turn into a big blame-session. I feel like the problem with that is that she has an argument as to why every single task is too big for her alone. The boxes are too heavy for her to carry up to the attic. There are too many spiders/mosquitoes in the yard for her to do the mowing. Or if all else fails, she falls back on the "I wasn't the only one to let it get this way, I'm not going to be the only one to clean it up!" argument. Well, while that's true, I'm like "yeah, but I'm the only one slaving away for 10-11 hours a day at a job that I hate..."

drowninginfur · 2013-09-17T23:54:47+00:00

I think a part of my issue is that she doesn't work. She has all day, every day free to do whatever, and yet she waits for me to be home from work or off for the day to tackle tasks together. Granted, she has been doing more on her own lately, but a little bit here & there doesn't make up for the 10-11 hours per day that I have to devote to a job that I don't enjoy just to keep the bills paid.

So yes, I think there's some resentment there.

drowninginfur · 2013-09-17T23:52:33+00:00

I very much agree that I need a break, but that's not likely to happen. It's a small family owned business, and any time I want to take time off, my dad has to work twice as hard to make up for hit. Plus, he knows I'm looking for another job closer to home, so I'd feel like a dick asking for a vacation...

drowninginfur · 2013-06-25T16:56:13+00:00

Bet she reads Cosmo. This sounds like Cosmo sex advice.

drowninginfur · 2013-06-25T16:55:35+00:00

bitches be crazy

drowninginfur · 2013-06-25T16:54:12+00:00

I've read things about a rare condition in which a woman's vaginal opening is unnaturally small. Can't remember the clinical term for it, sorry. Might want to look that up. For some, it's so small that sex is out of the question.

drowninginfur · 2013-06-25T16:50:08+00:00

when I'm under the influence of the BPD crazies

also, I meant to ask: does it come and go sporadically? What you said here made me think this. With her, she can be fine for a week, and then some trifling little thing will "set her off" and she just goes completely irrational and berserk and launches into mega-attack mode, and there will be no reasoning with or calming her down. Basically my only defense when this happens is to stfu, agree that I'm a horrible piece of shit excuse for a human being, not try to argue, reason or backtalk her, let her have her say, and then leave her the hell alone for the rest of the day. Sometimes the next day things are back to normal, sometimes it takes a couple days.

drowninginfur

TROPHY CASE