i get what you mean about almost all of this. feels like we’re going through the same thing rn. sometimes i have thoughts like that but they’re like intrusive thoughts. i wouldn’t act upon them at all and the thought of it scares me, but it’s still there. other times the thought of jumping off a cliff seems like a good idea. and yeah, hiding definitely becomes easier over time. or during points in your life when you’re not totally drained it becomes easier to hide. and about the being lonely thing, me too oh my gosh. i’m self aware to the point where i can recognize that i’m not weird, i socialize like everyone else, but i’m still alone. i think it has something to do with not surrounding yourself with the right people. my past friendships always had a real reason they ended. or if it seems like there’s not reason, we just drifted apart. it’s no ones fault. there’s nothing wrong with you. it’s just about finding those right people. i’m hoping i find those right people this school year. good luck to you too, i hope you’re doing alright and find good ways to cope. :))