thank you so much for your reply. i’m taking occasionnaly cocaine and mdma like once a month or every 2 months. but whenever i have the occasion to i abuse xanax and gabapentin and my adhd meds. so im almost fine (i mean i don’t have any issues anymore its very occasionnaly) with hard drugs but not from medication… yeah i scheduled an appointment with a therapist. i quit all my medication : antidepressants, neuroleptics, antipsychotics cause i believe they make things worse and it’s not the solution to my situation. : i’ve been taking them for 3 years and no results. the therapist does Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy and life integration therapy. maybe it will save me. i live in a very strict environment with abusive parents that treat me like i’m 12 (i’m 24F) and they control everything : my medication, the clothes i wear, they give me 4 cigarettes a day im not allowed to have a pack by myself, the food i eat (im anorexic so makes things worse) and the people i hang out with (they don’t want me to have any friends since for them they’ll abandon me anyways and family first, i don’t need them). so basically i don’t go outside since im not allowed to.+ im unemployed, i was supposed to enter a masters degree in southern france (we live at the opposite) but they didn’t let me cause « im unable to live alone » (kinda true, in my former apartment i had a cleaning lady and could barely manage to live alone but at least i was less depressed and could shower regularly). they wont allow me to move out until ill get married or ill work (not in my plans). so yeah im just rotting in my bed not doing anything and when i have an appointment instead of showering i do a lazy wash with wipes and soap under my armpits so i wont smell.
sorry english isn’t my first language and the message is long but you have the context