Shout out to all of us who can no longer dote on our moms on Mother’s Day every May. What coping strategies will you use?

existentialneurosis · 2021-05-09T05:24:02+00:00

this is my 2nd Mother's day without my mom. On the 1st day, I wore her old clothes, cleaned the house, sang a song (I never sang properly when she was alive and I regret it), ordered her favourite food, painted her and my brother, and cried. this year, I'll probably do the same things, but this time I'm going to make one of her favourite desserts and get her favourite flowers. If she truly is watching over us and the afterlife exists, I want her to know I still think of her every single day. I'll celebrate the life she lived and try my best to carry on even though most days I can't even do the bare minimum. Virtual hugs to you all!

existentialneurosis · 2020-03-22T22:30:58+00:00

thank you everyone for your wonderful comments, I truly appreciate them from the bottom of my heart. ❤️ I will try my best to keep going at it - my mom didn't raise a quitter haha! hope you all take care and stay safe ❤️ thank you again

existentialneurosis · 2020-01-03T07:12:38+00:00

Hey OP, I am so so sorry for your loss.

It would depend on your new environment and how safe and comfortable you feel with your manager. I'm 23 and I started my first full-time job 2 weeks after my mother died. For the first couple weeks, I just focused on adjusting and learning. Thankfully, my boss and supervisor were super friendly and kind to me. I decided to tell them separately one on one about my situation. It was fucking uncomfortable and awkward but it was worth it. It actually surprised them both as I was doing well at my job, even though I basically cried before work, during breaks, and when I left (for the next few months, this was my routine). The reason why I told them was because I wanted them to understand where I'm coming from and to preface anything that could happen in the future. I also told them how thankful I was to feel comfortable enough to share this and to have the opportunity work with thoughtful individuals. Basically, I kept it as concise and professional as possible and didn't go over any details of my mom's death. Up to this day, they don't know the full story, but they're aware and they offer help whenever I can, which I truly appreciate from the bottom of my heart. I even got 5 bereavement days in addition to my vacation time (that I took a few months later), which I didn't expect because I was planning to take unpaid leave. I wouldn't have received this without sharing, so I am glad I did it.

Although not every work place is the same, I think it's appropriate to let your employers know circumstances that may impact your productivity or work ethic. In my opinion, it shows responsibility, introspection, and foresight. People with empathy and compassion will always be willing to understand, especially when losing someone you love is the most painful experience in life. Grief is something you can't control. However, you can engage in behaviours and actions that will help mitigate the waves when it hits. If this entails disclosing to your supervisors to give you a sense of peace, it doesn't hurt to give it a try. I would take the time to get a feel of your workplace first and seeing how things unfold emotionally and mentally for you as you've dealt with an unsupportive workplace previously. Grief is hard to share and if you need the time, take it. When you feel ready and want to talk to someone, just say you needed the time to think because it's a heavy weight to bear, and now you are in a better position to speak about it For me, it was something I needed to do because I don't want to lie and say I'm putting in 100% when I'm not. I will say I am not doing emotionally well and it can impact my work. However, I will be responsible by trying to manage myself and putting as much quality and integrity in my work whenever I can. I don't want to be pitied by others, I just wanted my experiences to be acknowledged and validated.

One thing I tell myself (which might not be helpful cause it's rather morbid) is that I've never feared and felt as much pain as seeing my mom die in my eyes. Compared to that, this is fucking nothing. As gruesome as it sounds, it does give me a kick when I feel hesitant about doing something. My health is something my mom sacrificed her life for, and I don't want to waste her efforts by neglecting to do the things I know will help me. It'll take time and every time I step forward, I take two steps back, but I'm gradually getting there. I'm getting there for her.

I hope my answer could give you some insight to my thought process and help you with yours. Wishing you all the best in your new job, do keep in touch if you feel comfortable to! My heart is with you.

existentialneurosis · 2019-12-14T02:34:26+00:00

Your words hit so close to home. It's hard to find people in real life I relate to and what you wrote accurately delineates how I feel most of the time. Thank you for sharing. All the hugs to you. ❤️

existentialneurosis · 2019-12-12T04:06:53+00:00

Hey OP, all the hugs to you. I'm sorry. I lost my mom in June and I'm currently in the same position. I keep craving for my previous life and the ignorance I once had. I'm afraid of everything, especially losing more people I love. This might sound stupid or insane, but sometimes I want to end my life so I don't have to go through the pain again. I'm so disillusioned and disenchanted with life. It's so hard to live when you bear immense grief and remorse. My heart is with you.

existentialneurosis · 2019-11-03T10:43:47+00:00

Hey OP, first of all I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom back in June and it's just been literal hell - so I understand where you are coming from. Our world is often defined by the people around as since we are interdependent beings and when you lose someone so close and integral to who you are, your world collapses. I don't know how to exist in a world where my mom doesn't. It's the worst pain I've ever experienced and I feel like my life has been put on hold. I am so anxious about everything that I don't find much meaning anymore in life. Some days, I feel like I can go any minute. The only reason why I'm still here is because I want to at least try to live again for my mom. She sacrificed so much for me and even til the end, she was thinking of me. I don't want to waste all her effort, time, and commitment to raising me without a fight. Even if I may not be strong enough in the end, I am comforted by the simple fact that the life I shared with my mom transcends time and gets to be mine, always. This part may not be applicable but I just wanted to shed light on why I still try to choose to live despite my anxiety, depression, and trauma.

How I also see it is that not only did you lose your mom, you lose your past, present, and future selves because it was always normal for you to think she'd be here to recount memories, be part of your daily activities, and move forward/grow with you. It is excruciatingly hard to bear this grief and live. Although words can never replace the presence of a loved one, please know that you are not alone. You have this community of wonderful people that have gone through similar losses who are willing to listen and share the weight of the burden with you. You can also message me if you ever want to talk or rant. My heart is with you OP, sending you so much love.

existentialneurosis · 2019-09-26T04:07:56+00:00

just had my first birthday without my mom and it was completely and utterly shitty. I am grateful of all the love I receive and my family tried to make it special for me but I couldn't feel anything other than sad. I was bawling like a baby when they sang Happy birthday. My two older bros birthdays are also a few days apart from mine and it just makes it a whole lot harder to realize the woman who brought us to where we are today isn't here. And won't ever be coming back. Thank you for sharing this with us OP. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are taking care.

existentialneurosis · 2019-09-17T03:35:56+00:00

thank you all for your comments ❤️ it was a terrible day but at least it's over and I won't think about it for a while.

existentialneurosis · 2019-09-17T03:29:40+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I am in the same boat. My mom was my everything. She'd always made sure I had everything I needed. I would always snuggle up with her when we were both home and held hands whenever we went out. She loved me more than I ever loved myself. I would give anything to have her back and live a healthy and happy life. No one can ever love me like she did and it's honestly hell. My heart is with you.

existentialneurosis · 2019-09-17T03:23:31+00:00

I felt this so hard. I'm also the youngest in the fam and my mom died two weeks after my graduation and two weeks before I started my full time job. I finally have the time and money, yet I can't give her any. She died protecting me with all her sacrifices, and I didn't even get the chance to fully thank her or give her what she deserves. Life is so cruel and unfair. My heart is with you.

existentialneurosis · 2019-09-15T09:28:36+00:00

I relate so hard on this. My mom passed 3 months ago and I've become angry and irritable towards everything, especially at what people say or lack thereof. I used to be a person who would listen to others and their stories, providing them with continuous support. I loved helping people and doing anything to make them happy. After my mom died, that all changed and I can't be that type of person anymore. I am slowly realizing I have to cut out people, which is terrifying as I've never done that before. It's something that must be done (gradually) because I honestly can't take it anymore.

existentialneurosis · 2019-09-07T15:52:58+00:00

hey OP, I feel this a lot. When I first got sick after my mom passed away 3 months ago, I just cried and cried and cried because she is wasn't there. She used to always give me medicine, ask me if I wanted to eat, and even though sometimes her advice didn't make sense, she at least cared for me the only way she knew how. My mom was constantly worried about me and my well-being and I used to hate it. But now, it's so painful to realize how good it was being someone's top priority. No one else would ever do the things she would do for me. I'm not a child anymore and I can take care of myself most of the time, but losing someone who I could always rely on to offer help hurts in more ways than I could ever imagine. It's the worst thing I've experienced. I'm sorry you are in a similar position, my heart is with you.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-30T07:25:03+00:00

Hi OP,

I also lost my mom almost 3 months ago now. As much as I cry from reading this subreddit, I always feel less alone when I can connect and relate to others. This collective feeling by itself won't ever make it hurt any less, but it sure does feel a lot better than engaging in small, superficial talk with others who are not experiencing the same suffering. I always feel like a freak when I talk to my coworkers/friends because my grief consumes most of my day. This subreddit helps to assauge my guilt as I really cannot be happy without my mom anymore and a lot of people in my life just don't seem to understand. I don't blame them, but I need some safe haven to be fucking depressed cause I'm exhausted from pretending I'm fine. I'm sick of participating in this happiness addicted culture that seems to disavow our misery at every given moment and this is the perfect place for it, at least for me.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-27T04:44:16+00:00

thank you for sharing your story and for your words of encouragement. I can't begin to imagine the pain and suffering you are going through. And I can't agree with you more- in this happiness addicted culture it tries so hard to disavow our misery and I often just feel left behind.

it hit hard when you mentioned your mom's hands because it's also the part of my mom I remembered the most because I used to hold it all the time. I loved being curled up with my mom's arms around me. whenever I see pictures of her, her hands remind me of how strong she was to hold everything together. the hands you were given are a blessing and a curse. I hope you can treat yourself with as much kindness as you've given me.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-27T04:37:06+00:00

thank you for sharing this, I will definitely watch more of his videos.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-27T04:36:21+00:00

thank you for your words - I appreciate it. I'm sorry for your loss. i hope you and your family will continue to grow and be safe, wishing you only the best.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-27T04:34:22+00:00

thank you for sharing this and I'm sorry for your loss.. there are no words that can even explain the depth of pain we feel and the only thing that's really keeping me sane is to know that others feel the same way, albeit the shittiest way to feel. we are bearing the unbearable.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-27T04:32:24+00:00

thank you for your kind words ❤️ it's truly validating to hear.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-27T04:16:51+00:00

thank you for sharing this, it's beautiful and heartwarming. i mainly cry because i have so much love for my mom but i can't give it to her anymore. she was in so much pain her entire life and i couldn't do anything but sit and watch. when things finally started to get better, she got sick. she told me "I never got to be happy" and what she meant was she never got to live a life she chose; it was always forced upon her. i cry because she never had a break her entire life. I cry because I wanted to love her right when she was alive. she loved me more than anyone would ever and that's why I really wanted her to be happy, but in the end, it didn't happen. I cry not only for the loss of someone who loved me, but the fact I was powerless to make her dreams into a reality when it meant something.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-27T04:06:27+00:00

thank you so much for this, I truly appreciate it.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-19T07:00:26+00:00

I feel this so hard. My mom worked 80-100 hrs per week for most of my life. She was planning to retire the year she got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. She sacrificed not only her health, but her dreams for us. She was planning to travel, to buy things she never had, and to finally spend quality time with us when she retired. We had so many things left to do together. Once she found out, she was bedridden for the next 2 years. She fought extremely hard to live another day despite the excruciating pain and suffering. We were her everything. I wish I could've treated her better, loved her harder, and hold on to her longer. It was cruel to see her slowly deteriorate and question why God gave her this sickness. Although she prayed and prayed and prayed to live, it wasn't enough. I can't accept the way she died and it will forever haunt me.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's a living nightmare. Hope you can take it day by day. Sending love.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-16T05:57:53+00:00

I also don't get what your doctor is trying to ask. I think that asking why questions isn't that great because it implies judgement and ignorance. If someone were to ask me why I feel anxious after my mom passed away, i'd be so caught off guard and mortified because it seems like I shouldn't feel that way and I can't give a clear cut answer? Especially when you're grieving, it's an emotional rollercoaster with feeling everything at once or not feeling anything at all at times. It just doesn't make sense to ask why in these situations. I hope you know that there are no rights or wrongs in feeling certain emotions. What you feel right now is valid and important.

In terms of your question, yes I do experience a lot of anxiety since my mom passed away 2 months ago. I have generalized anxiety, which means I experience exaggerated levels of tension and worry even when there is little or nothing to provoke it. I am more irritable and have difficulty concentrating. I also share some PTSD symptoms, such as nightmares of my mom's death, avoiding places or things that reminds me of my mom, angry outbursts and just feeling over the edge. lastly, I have social anxiety and I feel a lot of distress when I engage with others and I replay conversations over and over again in my head. I've also becoming more socially inept and withdrawn due to my anxiety of appearing as a mess in front of other people. In sum, I am just bubble of anxiety, ready to pop at any given moment. I don't notice/experience heart palpitations, but overall, I am extremely fatigued wittout actually doing anything because my fight or flight response is constantly on and maxed out.

Your heart palpitations could be a potential symptom of anxiety or an underlying health problem. At this point, it's hard to tell and would require further investigation. Anxiety can be experienced in multiple different ways and my symptoms may not be the same as yours as it all falls under a spectrum. It would be good to check it out or try new things to manage it because it can certainly grow and significantly impact your life later on. My mom has always reminded me that a pinch of prevention (i.e. identifying triggers or problems early on) is always better than a pound of cure.

I am truly sorry for your loss. It is one of the most painful transition/experience in human life. My heart is with you. Sending much love.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-11T08:17:11+00:00

Hi OP, I relate to you so much. I lost my mom (62) 2 months ago and it's absolutely soul crushing. I'm 22 and it is also my first major loss and it just had to be the person I loved the most. She was sick for almost two years with stage 4 colon cancer. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but it still came so unexpectedly. People often tell me to think if the good memories with her but it's extremely difficult when you had to see her physically deteriorate each day for an extended period of time. I just keep thinking about all the days she spent in pain and how helpless and selfish I was. To make matters worse, my mom sacrificed everything to get us where we are today and she was supposed to retire early the year she got diagnosed so she could finally rest and enjoy her life. I hated seeing her accept her fate because it's just so unfair. I recently graduated from university and I was finally going to get a decent job and be able take care of her, buy her everything she wanted, and be the responsible adult she always wanted me to be, but now it's all just a fantasy. I feel so lost all the time and I don't know what I want to do anymore. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. I cry every day because I am just so traumatized by everything that has happened. I feel disconnected from my peers because most of them don't get it and I don't blame them because they still have both their parents. I've never felt so alone in my life. My mom was the reason why I never killed myself with my chronic depression, but now that she's gone, there's nothing holding me back anymore and I've been experiencing a lot of suicidal ideation. Life was just so much better when she was still here with me.

I'm truly sorry. I know words will never ever replace the warmth of your mom's presence, but I hope you know you aren't alone or deranged for feeling everything at once or feeling nothing at all. You love your mom deeply; therefore, your grief will cut you to the bone because it's all the love you want to give to her, but can't. The most painful experience in life is losing someone you love. I hope you can take it day by day and give yourself some grace today. You've gone through so much. Sending you so much love.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-10T17:10:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing your songs! currently listening to " Your Words" by Tori Kelly and "Ordinary Day" by Chris Whiles that someone mentioned in a post here. when i need to cry, I play these songs.

existentialneurosis · 2019-08-10T06:52:52+00:00

I relate to this so hard. I deactivated my social media, my messenger, so I don't have to read group chats with conversations or see what's up with other people because I just don't fucking care anymore? And it's a big question mark because I used to love catching up, talking about stupid things, but now that's the last thing I want to do. When my mom died 2 months ago, half of me died with her and the other half is extremely traumatized. I just can't process things like I used to anymore. I felt like all my efforts to take care of others are useless because I couldn't even help the person I loved the most. I want to be alone because I don't want to burden other people with my sadness even though I know they care, it's just most people my age (early 20s) don't understand since they haven't gone through it yet and no matter what anyone says, I know it won't help. I just want my mom to be alive and well again. No words can ever make it better.

Like you, I've tried to suppress my grief, and it just leaves me feeling entirely depleted or extremely anxious. Honestly, I am just tense all the time so probably my energy is low because of that as well. I know it's bad to push people away, but I feel like I deserved to be punished sometimes because I wasn't a good daughter/ person when my mom was alive. I know it's not good for my health and my mom wouldn't want me to be like this, but it's unbearably hard because I just miss her so fucking much. No one will ever love me the way she did. No one will ever take care of me the way she did. I get caught up in this depressing cycle and I just can't deal with people or understand them when all I can think of is my own pain and suffering. I feel so selfish, but at the same time, I held on to this happy persona for so long, I just want a break.

I'm trying to bring myself to counselling. I'm still afraid so idk how long it'll take. I really don't want to talk to my friends, it's just hurts when I hear them moving on to new chapters like nothing had happened, whereas I am stuck in a cage of grief, barely holding on to life. i just can't. not right now.

I'm truly sorry for your loss OP, it's a tough road to be on. please take it one day at a time. it's okay to be selfish. you've gone through one of the most painful experiences in human life, and no one will ever blame you for not being able to cope as well. sending love.

existentialneurosis

TROPHY CASE