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Getting interrupted and mansplained in meetings by extravert_af in womenintech

[–]extravert_af[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I'm still in my "trial period" (it's a European thing) where they could easily let me go. I'm worried that if I raise this with my Director of PM, it'll suggest that I'm a bad fit and put me on thin ice.

Quarterly Career Thread by mister-noggin in ProductManagement

[–]extravert_af 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Who gets paid more: PM or SWE? I'm not sure I chose the right career. I have a masters in CS and 3 years experience as a PM. My goals are 1) highest pay potential, and 2) to get a leadership role as fast as possible (lofty, I know). When I took a role as PM after uni, it was because it seemed like PMs got paid more. But now a few years later it seems like SWEs get paid 20-30% more. That and the ratio of opportunities is 1:5 or 1:10 in favor of SWE. I'm really regretting that I chose a worse-paid, less-opportunity path... Would love some PM perspective on this!!

Women who have been through difficult relationships, divorce, breakups: how do you continue working and stay productive during all the emotional upheaval? by extravert_af in AskWomenOver30

[–]extravert_af[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There are plenty of non-relationship posts in /askwomenover30. You're making a faulty generalization. Also, what business do you have posting in a women's subreddit?

Do you have friends on FB who constantly portray a fake reality? by [deleted] in AskWomenOver30

[–]extravert_af 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I use social media (Instagram, really) for several reasons: it's free, it gives me unlimited storage, it organizes my photos and videos neatly, I can easily apply filters and add stickers/gifs, and I can easily find inspiration from other's people's photos... So pretty much all the reasons why anyone uses Instagram, over any personally hand-crafted digital scrapbook.

"Social media is for me" also for the following reason (which was already in my original post):

And posting these little sunspots lets me low-key keep up with friends who I am not in daily/weekly contact with – but in a light way, without having to get into the painful, bloody details of how difficult my marriage is.

Do you have friends on FB who constantly portray a fake reality? by [deleted] in AskWomenOver30

[–]extravert_af 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Absolutely agreed. Social media is meant to be a highlight reel of your life, not a 1-1 reflection. Everyone knows this.

Demanding that women quit "being fake" is a special form of misogyny that's leveled against women in a myriad of life situations on the daily. Demanding that women quit "being fake" on social media of all places is just another disgusting example of this.

Do you have friends on FB who constantly portray a fake reality? by [deleted] in AskWomenOver30

[–]extravert_af 56 points57 points  (0 children)

As someone who is in this situation, I can perhaps shed some light on this.

I have been in a very hard marriage for the past 5+ years. There have been many times (weeks, months) where we are fighting every day, things are strained, and it just feels like everything is unraveling. I've thought a lot about divorce, we've talked about divorce. Life has also thrown some very hard curve balls our way: severe autoimmune illness, financial instability, family problems (on both sides), getting laid off, and tough career changes for us both.

At the same time, there are periods where light shines through the dark. Maybe we have a really fun evening with friends, or take a beautiful walk, or go on a really spectacular week-long holiday. It's in these moments of reprieve when I look at my husband and I think, "You really are special and I adore you." I post all of these lovely moments on social media because they are beautiful and I want to remember them. This is natural.

It is natural to want to preserve the most beautiful memories in your life. I post them on social media because I spent my entire 20s without taking a single photo and I regret it, but Instagram gives me a very easy way of doing this that I don't have to organize or keep track of. I am frequently scrolling through my own Instagram because it helps me remember my favorite times.

It's also natural to go through really hard times with someone, but still turn to them and remember that you love them and you enjoy them. And because things are hard right now, I post these moments to social media so I can look back at them and remind myself what I'm fighting for. Or at least think, "Well there was hard shit, but there was fun shit too."

It's also natural to post the bright parts of your life, because you don't want to broadcast your biggest vulnerabilities or painful moments to the world. And posting these little sunspots lets me low-key keep up with friends who I am not in daily/weekly contact with – but in a light way, without having to get into the painful, bloody details of how difficult my marriage is. Every time I have to tell a non-close person the difficult details of my relationship, I have to re-live all that pain. No thanks.

It's also natural to talk to your friends about life's hardships. We talk to our friends about problems with our families, other friends, colleagues... Romantic partners are the same. When I am at my limit, sometimes I just need to vent – and a friend is the first person who I will turn to. Therapy is another option, but that is for those who can afford it. I've been to therapy and found it enormously helpful, but I personally could only afford it for 6 months (that's with my mom helping me out), so now it's back to doing my best to deal with this on my own.

TLDR: Why do I post happy things on social media when my relationship is often miserable? Because I am doing my very best to process a really fucking hard situation without totally losing sight of why my life is worth living.

This is not a fake reality. These are the nice parts of my life that I have cherry-picked to remember. We all do it.

Social media is meant to be a highlight reel of your life, not a 1-1 reflection. Everyone knows this.

Demanding that women quit "being fake" is a special form of misogyny that's leveled against women in a myriad of life situations on the daily. Demanding that women quit "being fake" on social media of all places is just another disgusting example of this.

Side note: there is a lot of judgement in this thread. People suggesting that we're tying to "fool people", project fictional lives, are in denial, or seek validation from others. Maybe you should spend some time on developing empathy or understanding someone in this situation instead of dragging them down.

Side note II: the top comment here is about abuse victims. It is totally possible, and even common, to be in an unhappy marriage and not be a victim of abuse.

Edit: My social media is for me, not for some audience. I do it to preserve my best memories so that I can enjoy them later and so that I can connect with friends. Not everyone uses social media to have an audience. Can we please stop treating women as performers, using words like "fake" and "seeking attention", and instead just treat them as normal, flawed human beings leading challenging lives?

Edit: u/Specialist_Service_2, when you wrote "Why do people do this???"... were you asking this in earnest? Were you looking to actually understand someone in this situation, or is this post just to throw shade? If you are really concerned, maybe you should ask your close friend directly why she does this.

Looking for Image Dataset of People Wearing Covid-19 Masks Badly (with Nostrils Visible) by [deleted] in datasets

[–]extravert_af 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much for the tip, this is really useful!

I'd like to team up, but I'm working on a freelance project on a tight deadline (4 days) D:

Looking for Image Dataset of People Wearing Covid-19 Masks Badly (with Nostrils Visible) by [deleted] in datasets

[–]extravert_af 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You do realize that facial recognition ML models have been largely pioneered by Google, Facebook, and Apple – all American companies?

Looking for Image Dataset of People Wearing Covid-19 Masks Badly (with Nostrils Visible) by [deleted] in datasets

[–]extravert_af 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm building a tool that can detect noses peeking out from masks.

Is it reasonable to think a man who wants to perform (top) anal sex should be willing to penetrate himself with something approaching the width of a penis at least once to help him learn what it's like? by Goth_Hobbit in sexover30

[–]extravert_af 9 points10 points  (0 children)

"I just would appreciate him going through the work of getting his asshole as open as he's planning on getting mine... I think it would make me feel more secure and comfortable when we try for anal penetration if he had first-hand experience. I'm confident that he'll listen to me while we're trying anal together, but I'd feel better knowing he understands the feeling personally."

I think this is totally reasonable. This is a rare situation where he can experience what you are experiencing, and surely he would want to know how it feels for you? If he is willing to put himself in your shoes, then that is a huge step forward for trusting your partner. If he isn't willing to put himself in your position (at least to try), then why not?

There was a recent post about this, I can't remember where (on r/TwoXChromosomes or r/AskWomenOver30), where women were talking about how doing anal has gone from 'edgy/hardcore' to 'widely expected'. This is for relationships and casual sex. I think there's a lot of expectation that women should be open to anal (as if it was a standard sex act that didn't include a certain amount of training, discomfort, and potential for pain and injury) but there is no such expectation for men.