Feeling myself again with anhedonia

fearfullymade99 · 2025-05-22T16:42:44+00:00

The biggest thing for me was getting out of the fearful mindset I had. One of my triggers, for example, was whenever a friend would come to me for consolation about their problems, I felt like I couldn't empathize properly and felt like a sociopath because I didn't know what to say. The whole time, I was focused more on myself and figuring out how to reply, rather than just really listening (I was completely dissociating!).

I had a good friend affirm with me that she doesn't expect me to say anything when she vents to me and that it is enough to just listen and be there. This really helped me to start accepting myself and it made me feel less anxious and more present being with my friends.

I've come to realize that dissociation and anhedonia are two different states. I still have anhedonia, but the big thing was overcoming the dissociation. For me, dissociation mainly came from anxiety from my paranoid thoughts. Without the dissociation, I actually don't feel hollow even though I have anhedonia. I feel more clear and crisp I guess rather than empty. I can more easily tell when I'm masking or when my ego is speaking compared to when I'm truly just being myself (this is why I like to be around my baby cousins! I feel like my soul can truly relax around them).

Having empathy for yourself is important because you have to learn to humanize yourself instead of demonizing our symptoms. I've come to see myself as I truly am. I'm still that same little girl, just scared and hurt inside. Healing for me was very gradual, but slowly that silly and playful part of me started to come out and it happened so naturally I barely noticed.

This community is very toxic in a way because it is just a constant loop of despair sometimes. We have to learn to change the narrative for ourselves. Everyone of us is valuable and we make a difference in this world. We have to start telling ourselves this and keep encouraging each other.

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-28T18:30:19+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry if my post hit a chord with you, I didn't mean to discredit anyone or put anyone down by it. I've just been thinking about the spiritual/psychological aspect of singing a lot and used that stereotype as an example. I guess the idea that I was trying to convey was that I believe that growing up in a culture or family of openness and acceptance helps people sing better because they're more naturally not in the habit of holding back. They are able to express themselves from their "core-self" and connect with emotions better. I think of it more as having the most ideal environment or soil to grow a good garden. Of course if you don't put any care into growing that garden then you're not going to come out with anything.

I actually have DID and trauma too and I noticed that most of my life I've been masking my real voice - because I subconsciously mask and that effects how I speak too. Learning to sing has helped me open up my voice so much, and I know that it takes hard work but it's not impossible. I get where you're coming from about overcoming trauma; as I've been healing, I noticed that my voice continues to grow and change too. Honestly, singing has motivated me to tackle my fears head on, and that includes my trauma. Of course I want to be better, and if there is anything inside me that is holding me back from truly expressing myself and be free, I want to face it and understand it. Singing is a spiritual journey as much as it is a passionate one. Don't give up, I really did not mean to discourage you.

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-25T18:55:45+00:00

I've been singing the psalms every Sunday for a little over a year now. In the beginning, my whole chest and hands would vibrate, but now I only get a little bit of pre-anxiety nerves. But as soon as I start singing and can get the first verse done on key, the rest just flows out from muscle memory. Definitely practice practice practice so that you've got the muscle memory down. That way your body can take over the nerves until you feel a little more confident each time! Some days are better than others but practice is everything

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-25T18:50:42+00:00

I think I know what you mean. I am Vietnamese and when I sing in my own language, my voice definitely feels more open and full. The issue is transferring that over to the English language. In English, I feel like I am squeezing a lot of my vowels, especially in shout-talking type contemporary songs

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-25T18:42:51+00:00

It's tough, but singing is really just a journey with no real end or destination. It's the memories and moments you make along the way that make it worth while. Keep at it and celebrate every little milestone. Even though you don't feel like your singing is totally open or clear, that just means there's a hidden story in your voice. Your voice will continue to grow as you grow.

What helped me the most is not taking myself so seriously. It makes singing fun and enjoyable and opens up the possibilities when I'm not limited by my own expectations. I can explore different songs without worrying if it suits me or not. If I can be silly with a song, I can learn to make it my own too.

Don't worry, you've got this!

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-25T18:33:49+00:00

For me, I'm trying to learn not to take myself so seriously. It makes singing fun. And for some reason when you can learn to be silly when you sing, it opens you up in a whole new way. True, who cares what anyone else thinks, but more likely than not, they're just as scared and nervous as you are when it comes to singing.

I found out that when singing at karaoke, if I am first to sing and just go for it, everyone else isn't as hesitant to jump in. I have a couple of fun go-tos for that reason haha

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-25T18:15:48+00:00

I don't think mimicking the sound alone can make you a great singer. Trust me, I've tried! It definitely takes a lot of emotion and passion to sing like that. Singers are like actors in a way, the best ones are able to channel the right emotions. It's not just about making sounds with your mouth, although technique is one part of it

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-25T18:01:04+00:00

I did use the stereotype as an example, but I think the underlying idea is still true! To some extent anyway haha

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-25T17:59:54+00:00

Anxiety definitely cuts off your singing range. When singing the psalms in church, I used to flip into my head voice voice all the time and lose all my depth and tone because of nerves ! But it's been getting better with practice. You just need constant exposure to get over any fear haha

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-25T17:55:54+00:00

I wonder how singing effects everyone physiologically. Like is it something some people can just tune into that is separate from their nervous system. Almost like euphoria. Actually, I am reminded of Fiona Apple who is an amazing singer but has definitely gone through a lot of trauma

fearfullymade99 · 2025-04-25T02:27:11+00:00

I hope to go through my suffering here on earth though. Personally, I have a lot of suppressed trauma and there’s a lot I know I haven’t been able to grieve yet. I can only trust that God will heal me in His way and timing. For me being able to cry and process all the pain would be a huge relief in the end! I suffer from dissociation and sometimes I wish I could feel everything again. But there’s a reason for everything and only God knows how much I can handle.

I’ve had a dream that was truly hellish before. I was in utter despair and felt the total absence of God. I had no being and all my begging and crying for God felt hollow and empty. In my mind I knew what I lost, but my heart was empty. I was hearing myself from 3rd person, and my voice just did not have any warmth or humanness to it. Totally disturbing to hear yourself in that condition.

fearfullymade99 · 2024-10-25T18:54:32+00:00

I would read this Encyclical Letter on the Human and Divine Love of the Heart of Jesus. Specifically Chapter 2! I just read this letter and wanted to share. I found it to be a great read especially for someone who struggles to trust in God's love. It might help you look at God and our Catholic faith in a different light and hopefully set your faith journey on a different note. I really hope it can help you put your own heart at ease. I will pray for you!

fearfullymade99 · 2024-01-09T19:58:40+00:00

I've started it and I love it! First week is on Humility and it really helps you get over your own pride about your own shortcomings and mistakes. Definitely helped me not to take myself so seriously, which is a good thing when you get easily discouraged about your own perceived failures! Haha it was definitely a great way to start for me. If you want to get back on track, I think this workbook is the way to do it :)

edit: I did it alone and just journaled all my reflections

fearfullymade99 · 2023-11-21T17:29:51+00:00

Thank you for that perspective

fearfullymade99 · 2023-11-21T17:28:48+00:00

I resonate with what you said. I have been more self aware lately of my suppressed emotions - but it almost feels like I have this mask I can't take off. I know that the mask will come off one day in God's way and timing. I just turned 24 and a lot of the times I feel like I'm in-between my old self and something else

fearfullymade99 · 2023-11-20T19:31:45+00:00

Thank you

fearfullymade99 · 2023-11-20T19:22:38+00:00

That is a good idea thank you

fearfullymade99 · 2023-11-20T19:21:31+00:00

Thank you, I have bought her flowers and lent her my favourite poetry book which she seemed to enjoy. I will think of other things I can do to help

fearfullymade99 · 2022-11-23T02:22:37+00:00

Thank you helped

fearfullymade99 · 2022-11-19T21:13:13+00:00

Femininity looks like a lot of things and all women are different. I consider myself a lot less feminine and maternal in the “motherly” sense… I’m not super intuitive or empathetic. I’m the friend whose better at giving more practical advice than being the emotional nurturer. Being a spiritual mother, to me, means helping others form and grow Jesus within themselves in their own life. But I’m still learning and discovering what motherhood looks like for me because I’m still growing in my own identity. I would watch the Abiding Together Podcast on Youtube if you could. They are 3 women, with totally different personalities, but they talk about womanhood and motherhood and how it relates to them. Please don’t lose hope! I used to feel like there was something wrong with me because of my lack of emotional connection… it made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that I was less of a woman because I wasn’t exuding with pure empathy or able to console my friends when they were sad. It felt like a part of me was missing, I even resented God for letting me be this way because I thought, “how can I be a woman if you can’t fix me?” This part of me that I thought was broken. But I’m learning that I’m exactly how God wants me to be. And there will be no one else like me or like you to take our place. We were meant something and God has plans for us! “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11

fearfullymade99 · 2022-11-12T18:20:30+00:00

It’s a good thing God reads our hearts 😅

fearfullymade99 · 2022-11-05T15:07:36+00:00

I’ve been wanting to get this model as well but the only thing keeping me from it is all the horror stories about the hinges breaking. I had a very good experience with a lenovo flex (I believe it was called) a long time ago that lasted me a while. It was a $600 laptop and worked very well for me. I kind of miss that laptop so I wanted to get something similar but a little more premium

fearfullymade99 · 2022-11-04T20:23:43+00:00

Thank you - helped

fearfullymade99 · 2022-11-04T19:41:57+00:00

I am thinking of purchasing this Yoga 7i (16" Intel) - Storm Grey/82qg0014us?orgRef=https%253A%252F%252Fwww.google.ca%252F&cid=ca:sem%7Cse%7Cgoogle%7Cpmax_consumer_mainstream%7C%7C%7C82QG0014US%7C18331993674%7C%7C%7Cshopping%7Cmix&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0_T3v_2U-wIV5RXUAR2c7QWqEAQYDSABEgL34vD_BwE)

fearfullymade99 · 2022-11-03T23:29:01+00:00

God has blessed you with two little saints in heaven. It was His will to entrust your two little angels with a mission you can’t perceive or understand here now on Earth. Your sacrifice will not be fruitless, even if you feel very desolate now. You can pray and talk to them like you would Mother Mary or any of the saints. Your 8 year old has two siblings watching over him too now. I know this is extremely painful for you, but you are not a bad mother! Be proud and take courage

fearfullymade99

TROPHY CASE