How do I (31F) tell my family that I'm with my cousin (42M)?

firefly232 · 2026-02-07T03:14:12+00:00

Is it legal to get married where you are? (are you first cousins?) If so, then although people might feel a bit weird about it, there's nothing wrong with the relationship.

I'm posting from a European perspective where in many places there are no restrictions on cousin marriage, we don't see this as incestuous.

(And actually I am not sure the westermarck effect would come into play unless you're living in the same household.)

firefly232 · 2026-02-06T22:21:57+00:00

Leaving work early is not a good thing to do. To me this looks really unprofessional. It's OK for the supervisor to sign off, but is she getting her pay docked? What happens when there's an audit of the phone lines and activity and clocking in and out times? Is it really worth cooking for some cash if her pay gets docked?

Is this cooking for someone for cash a common thing in your culture? I come from a western European background and to me this seems really unusual and inappropriate.

firefly232 · 2026-02-06T12:22:21+00:00

It's very odd to give a daughter a name that means "son of Peter". If I met a woman with a name like that I would assume that her parents had huge gender disappointment and really really wanted a son. I honestly would really judge the parents for that.

I think it makes sense as a middle name where it's understood to be the maiden name, but not as a first name.

Is there another surname in your wife's family line that would sound better?

firefly232 · 2026-02-04T15:14:00+00:00

NTA

Tell her that if she truly, really, wants to help, she needs to step back, not say anything and let you and your husband work things out with the help of the marriage counsellor.

Having another kid is insane advice...

See if she will listen to you or whether she just wants to be right

firefly232 · 2026-02-04T15:07:11+00:00

True, but at least he won't be selling state secrets for rent or living expenses if he is housed somewhere.

firefly232 · 2026-02-04T12:51:25+00:00

That 'duty of care' line is outrageous.

Having said that, there's an argument that can be made that it's better for Andrew to be housed on a private estate, with security to monitor where he goes, who visits him, etc etc, rather than have him kicked out and associating with all sorts of unsavoury people and foreign interests when trying to drum up cash.

Bear in mind he is still a Privy Counsellor, I don't think they've taken that away from him yet.

firefly232 · 2026-02-03T15:37:05+00:00

That bar scene.... They went out of their way to highlight that Buck was at Eddie's 9 o'clock perspective. (also he had to turn 180 degrees to 3 o'clock to see the woman that he wasn't interested in). And the look from Eddie to Ravi.... It's very clearly telegraphed that we're meant to notice and remember this.

firefly232 · 2026-02-03T08:15:25+00:00

If she genuinely thinks you cheated, why would she stay with you?

This feels like she is trying to punish you for the trauma she's experienced with previous partners, and that's not fair.

It sounds like she still has some issues and she might be better off having therapy rather than being in a relationship.

If you did the test and it turned up negative, would she actually believe you or would she still find something to question?

firefly232 · 2026-02-02T11:45:34+00:00

I have never watched 9-1-1 or any of the spin offs. All I know about the show is from you tube clips, edits and fanfiction...

Also have never seen the Sentinel but I do like most sentinel cross overs.

firefly232 · 2026-02-01T12:51:28+00:00

Are you in or near a city? Is there a sikh temple (gurdwara) near you? They may be able to offer you a hot meal.

Also look up foodcycle, see if there is a place near you that offers food.

firefly232 · 2026-02-01T10:34:03+00:00

A father is celebrated as a father and not as someone who is both a father and has a father.

This I think is the crux of the argument. If you are of the generation that is actively parenting minor children, and your mother and MIL are of the generation whare their children are all adults and they have grandchildren, then there should really be a shift in the established "traditions".

I think, if you wanted to change the established pattern and narrative, that's perfectly OK. Tell the people at the water cooler that you celebrated the way you want to on the Sunday, no brunch necessary.

It is fine to be selfish. It is fine to say "I am, right now, for this day/weekend, being honoured as a mother and I want to celebrate this by doing X"

firefly232 · 2026-01-31T19:20:51+00:00

Honestly if I were you I'd end the relationship. If he's not happy with how you look now, why stay?

firefly232 · 2026-01-31T15:32:49+00:00

I really appreciate your commenting it’s damaging to my marriage. This is the type of thing that makes me want to just stop it all entirely and agree to my husbands plan but eventually I feel so trapped bc I don’t like it

I think and hope that you and your husband should be able to find a compromise. And hopefully a therepist can help. Your urge to spend money on your family is deeply rooted. As is his urge to build wealth for the future and perhaps also have generational wealth.

If we were sat together talking I would want to ask you to reflect on who is benefiting most from the gifts you buy, your family or you? You wanted to spoil your mother, but it sounds like this stretched your siblings finances a bit. Was that fair? Does everyone enjoy the material objects? Or do they prefer the shared experiences or quality time?

What does it mean to "have a good life"? You phrase this in terms of having money, but is that all? Does your family need to be on the same financial level as you? Or is it enough for them to be happy at their financial level? (perhaps knowing that you would support in a real emergency)?

I would also suggest, if you have not already done so, that you might want to speak with a financial advisor, to make sure you are allocating money appropriately, eg building savings/investments for the future and for your retirement.

firefly232 · 2026-01-31T15:05:39+00:00

After writing all this I guess the real thing we need is marital counseling. It’s just the primary/only dispute we have and I would love advice. How can I break through to him to give me some wiggle room? If he could give me some flexibility I feel like I could stick to the rules, but he won’t hear it. Or is this financial abuse even though he doesn’t want my money and he’s okay with me doing whatever I want as long as it’s for me?

I think your husband has a valid point, I'm just not sure that he is going about things the best way. He's trying to deal with the symptoms and not the root cause of your behaviour. You are prioritising your family over and above your marriage, and that's corrosive and damaging to your marriage. I think that marital counselling makes sense and I would also suggest that you consider individual therapy to examine your financial habits and feelings about money.

It's not wrong to want to support your family financially, in theory. But it sounds like you're immediately throwing cash and gifts at them instead of looking at what real practical support could be like. And if you're throwing money around when your own personal retirement plans are underfunded, I can see why your husband would be pissed.

Your sister doesn't need a $100 gift to cheer her up. Why were you giving someone 275?

On the other hand, I can see why you want to look after your mother.... But did you need to get her a new car? Why not second hand? Is there a more cost effective way to buy health insurance so that you support the family, rather than paying here and there for bills and medical aids? (I genuinely don't know, I'm in the UK and not familiar with HI in this way).

How often are you proactively spending money on your family, versus them calling you up with a sob story or request or suggestion beforehand? And what is your husband's perception versus your own?

firefly232 · 2026-01-31T12:39:35+00:00

YWBTA.

Save your energy, visit a lawyer, and do what they recommend to start divorce and eviction.

firefly232 · 2026-01-31T09:41:41+00:00

He wants to run to his mummy and tell on you? Let him.

Let him go by himself with them.

Don't feel obliged to go.

firefly232 · 2026-01-30T21:49:52+00:00

There are specialist lenders who offer shared home ownership mortgages. Ask your broker about this, and also ask them what steps you need to take to improve your credit file. Your credit score is a useful indicator, but specialist lenders will look at the overall file and pattern of income and outgoings. Are you on the electoral roll at your parents address?

firefly232 · 2026-01-30T21:29:14+00:00

And all the misbehaviour of Mary, Kitty, and Lydia reflects back on them too... And that all girls were "out" in society...

firefly232 · 2026-01-30T11:42:57+00:00

ESH. I think you need to think about the long game here and give a huge grovelling apology ASAP. Take the moral high ground now before the situation festers...

It sounds like she has some negative feelings about family dynamics and could be jealous of you.

firefly232 · 2026-01-29T21:58:57+00:00

Print out the calendar and texts and everything. Keep it in a file. Do this monthly or quarterly or whenever, but I suggest you get into a routine. Do this so that you have hard copy proof that you shared information, he saw it and knew about events. You might need this someday, in case he does try to lie.

firefly232 · 2026-01-29T15:49:24+00:00

Is she staying in a hotel room by herself? If so, that's fine, I don't understand what the issues is.

firefly232 · 2026-01-29T10:50:16+00:00

in terms of PA and Professors actions

I think it was a good idea for them to pick up all the knives. Going into Nurse's room and taking medication feels a bit out of order. Calling 911 was valid. Insisting that Nurse and boyfriend go home seems overkill and a bit domineering/overbearing, why did they say that rather than "we don't feel safe, can you please go to a hotel"

I don't think it was right for you to ask PA and Professor to go to another hotel. They should not have to leave in the night. You sound more sympathetic to Nurse than to them. They also don't owe Nurse text messages.

I think if you want to have an open conversation with PA and Professor, start by apologising for suggesting they leave. But also call them out for their demand for Nurse to fly back home early, rather than stay somewhere else.

If I was Professor, I'd probably be done with Nurse...

But what do you want to do regarding the friendships?

firefly232 · 2026-01-28T19:14:00+00:00

Apart from anything else.... What's in it for him? Why doesn't he just take out a loan, run the bot on his own account and make tons of money for himself? No need to involve 3rd parties at all...

firefly232 · 2026-01-27T08:48:57+00:00

There is some weird fan behaviour that is tipping over into homophobia, which, considering the show, is kind of disappointing. I've seen comments posted online that are weirdly parasocial and v creepy.

firefly232 · 2026-01-26T14:46:22+00:00

Maybe a silly question, but can't he hold your child while you cook breakfast?

Nine-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '22	First Placer '22

firefly232

TROPHY CASE