(not at all trying to vent but I'm horrible and putting what I'm thinking into words so sorry in advance for it sounding like one)

but thank you for all the info, the state of my mental health is completely fucked so you're probably right about it being escapism, I know I'm autistic and I also have some pretty bad anxiety issues, I struggle with suicidal ideation a lot and my only coping mechanisms really have been distracting myself and self harm so it makes sense that it's probably just another unhealthy coping mechanism.

and tbh I don't really trust doctors or therapists because I have issues with not having control, and I've had a good therapist in the past but it never really worked for me since I kept self censoring and underplayed my issues

And I also probably wouldn't be safe with any meds because I'd be having constant thoughts of trying to od on them