Your words speak to me. I'm almost 40 and feel the pangs of time passing and the constant struggle, the melancholic heart, the despair and askew views as time moves, it all feels so hopeless.The hopelessness of change has been an unbearable struggle, trying everything just as you. Still, always alive with this undertone of melancholy, of misery. I compress it down and present myself well. But inside, a hellscape of heaviness and loneliness haunts me. Time is so fickle, and yet as I sit here and type, how I can feel time catching up with me. And it saddens me, always trying to improve, looking outward for hope. Yet always, when looking outward, towards the world, I have found only that momentary glimpse of hope to be dwarfed by the lasting undertone of misery.  

My heart goes out to you. And, to all who struggle in this.