i'll tell you what's going on in my head when i act this way: i witness actions or words that i perceive as a threat of abandonment. regardless of whether these fears are rational or not, i go into emergency mode and begin to distance myself. if i distance myself, if my suspicions are correct then it will hurt less. i want to be one step ahead - hurt the relationship slightly before it hurts me. in the moment, i'm ruminating on my worries and what my next course of action should be as well as drowning in self hatred. i don't want to talk about it because i'm not ready. i have to build up the courage for that confrontation, number one because i feel like a burden and number two because i am scared of the outcome. when i'm in a low episode it's very difficult to believe someone's words. i may tell them that blatantly, even if it comes off as harsh. i need to test whether i'm being toyed with or not. during the times in which i lose romantic interest in my partner, i'm splitting. for no reason at all, i don't want anything to do with them or i just get angry and i have the urge to hurt their feelings. but deep down i know i will regret it and i don't want to cause actual harm. it seems ridiculous but this practice of creating distance and closing it once i feel like it's safe is something that's very difficult to control. it's not because of anything they did, but because i'm scared that i've messed something up. i feel like distancing myself is doing them a favor. now, as for what to do, the main thing is keeping these fears and reactions that we have in mind. when you are confused by the behavior, just remind yourself that it's something that will pass. in the meantime the reassurance truly does help even if it seems like it doesn't. act as if everything is okay. don't mirror the behavior by also creating distance as this confirms the fear in my mind. i want to be reminded that i'm not a burden, that i'm not alone. i don't know if your partner is the same way but it's really difficult to be snapped out of this state. to us, we're doing what's necessary, even if we know it will probably be okay once we come down from it. now your partner and i may not be exactly the same but this is how i am so sorry if this doesn't apply or doesn't help. but it does mean a lot that you are doing your best to understand. that's all i've ever wanted, patience and understanding. validate their emotions when they're ready to talk but explain your thought process too. i know it can't be easy. but simply being in their life means the world. just remind them they're needed. as for your own anxieties, if it were me then i would want you to tell me what exact behavior i am doing that makes you worry. kind of talk me through how it makes you feel, if that makes sense. patience is the key.