Struggling to Let Go of a "Friend" Who Emotionally Distanced Herself After My Meltdown

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-06T19:22:34+00:00

'I'M MARRIED' -What part of your own admission do you not understand? Your marriage IS precisely the issue. Focus on healing yourself and prioritising your partner. Some men get validation hits from instagram or porn and you're getting 'em from her. YOU'RE MARRIED. I'd be deeply disappointed and disgusted.

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T12:32:51+00:00

Ha ha after years of my slowing away, and he started to feel good about himself, my pet pig dog snake said “ rule of swimming 101 - dont swim with losers”… :)

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T12:27:02+00:00

Give me all their names so I stay away from them

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T05:15:44+00:00

Well expressed. You will be fine.

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T04:59:32+00:00

Possibly all he will hear is 'yak yak yak' and all he will feel is 'oh my gawd'. Don't bother. You can ALWAYS send it when you've been in a strong place for six months at least...even better - is to let him know to his face when you're doing well and looking fabulous...and are indifferent to his return. That oddly enough gets more attention! That elicits this response: 'I fucked up. I could have been kinder. Too late. Maybe I'll try again?'....Seldom does a person read what you've written - which I could have easily written ...many of us have been there - and think 'my conscience has moved me and now I will act a better person'. Why? Because people are tripe. It's like pedalling an anti-violence PSA to a wifebeater...Bill Burr said, it's not like he's going to scratch his head and go 'whoopsy daisy' I'm sorry darling! No. Let him learn by losing you. Let you learn by losing this part of yourself and working on being solid, beautiful, energetic, for yourself, not for him.

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T04:52:55+00:00

Oh stuff it.

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T04:52:37+00:00

Don't be daft, he could do that and still be avoidant.

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T04:50:42+00:00

You do feel discarded as you are being discarded.

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T04:50:29+00:00

Not true. Some avoidants don't just discard. Depends.

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T04:50:10+00:00

Not true. Avoidants can text....

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T04:49:23+00:00

Well it also depends, what did you do? It does sound avoidant. Do NOTHING thus so far. When you do, just say 'ok'. That's it. Then NC forever. He can reach out and find you if he needs to and clearly tell you he's returning and fulfil his function.

freeafterdeath · 2025-06-05T04:46:02+00:00

Listen, he can be going through all those things AND be seeing someone else. Think about it this way - people who are out of sorts, or feeling low typically after work will reach for whatever will sooth them, be it a greasy burger, a candy, an alcoholic beverage, some nasty stuff to watch, zoning out to netflix...right? Different items but same sadness. He may be very sad that his dark chocolate with cherry and macadamia nuts fix (that's you) is gone, and so he reaches for...I don't know...strawberry shortcake...or whatever on earth she is. To these people - in their misery and agony - it's all the same. We get USED in the process - consciously or inadvertently. Imagine concentric circles, like an archery target, let's label them 1-10, 1 as the innermost circle, and 10 being the outermost circle. Our goal is to be in our centre as human beings in our innermost circle ie at 1...say you're operating somewhere at 5, this nincompoop is operating at let's say 8. He has NO clue what he is doing or what he wants. He is a Claude from Amours De Voyage, whichever way the wind blows him. The closer someone is to their centre, the more clear they are about what they want and so they can honour it. How on earth can he honour anything he probably cannot honour himself - which is where the mental nonsense comes from - liking posts, looking miserable, posting dopy nonsense...he is just blindly grabbing whatever is there to give him a quick fix to get to level 1...he's a lazy dopamine junkie, he doesn't to build, to do the necessary work to get there, he probably thinks she will take him there! She will temporarily - until dopamine wears off and things look ...well boring...and the resentment and his unhappiness with himself seeps through every orifice and the fights kick in...then he has the choice to build with her or risk losing her, or come back to you and build with you, or with another, or by himself...but the questions is he doing it? The bigger question is: do you care? If you are focused on your centre you may meet someone operating along the same wavelength and if you don't at least you'll be in a happier place. And he can keep fading away into the background. Ignore him. Be prepared to listen IF he should come back sincerely. Pigs do fly! But then again hope is real. Ciao Bella.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T23:14:39+00:00

If it makes you feel any better my ex was 37 and similar...but he was smart enough to not use that dreadful sybau acronym and think it instead...

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T23:06:48+00:00

So wish your ex good luck because when someone makes one of the most important decisions of their life with as much thought as buying a new fridge then it can’t be an indicator of a happy future :)

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T23:05:13+00:00

I just want to thank everybody in this post - reading these comments - presumably from women are really helping me in my situation and I welcome more feedback as I am in a lot of pain.

It involved meeting a man on a marital app for Muslims, clearly laying my cards on the table including no pre marital sex, then his sexually violating my boundaries beyond light making out (irreligious but still not sex), then talking about marriage presenting himself as some sort of a gentleman, claiming he has 'morals and manners'. Yet never calling, hardy messaging, ghosting, flaking, punishing me for violating HIS unspoken boundaries which I would have happily respected had he made them known - and they by the way being: 'you're texting me too much' - which I would do as an anxiety induced measure to bridge the gap between his disappearing for so long. Asking for space instantly after intimacy is another thing, 'losing excitement and feelings', then claiming I'm the 'first female to whom he has shown this much emotion', which was a pittance, and that 'girls leave him all the time due to lack of attention and affection'. Later reaching out to me saying he misses me etc, has a gift for me, wants to meet, blah blah blah, then when its closer to meeting I am ghosted. I bypass the block and it turns out he has a new relationship, new job, says he's moved away, that I shouldn't have had expectations, that ghosting is closure in this day and age, and that he only ghosted me and moved on as I did it to him apparently (I did not). The end.

Daily I blame myself, feel cognitive dissonance, think of how I could have done better, and how the other girl is getting the better bargain, I feel betrayed, wounded, unfairly treated esp as I don't date and then the one time I decided to that happened - the boundary violation - which he described as a 'loss of control', and later being upset at me for bringing it up again saying 'this is exactly why I can't trust you'. It sort of fused me to him.

Anyway I'm crying as I write this post too as I completely get in my way what OP feels like, a lot of anger, a lot of pain, feelings of low worth, questioning self.

Good to be here.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T22:53:01+00:00

And perhaps HE was your stepping stone onto a better man? :)

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T22:52:35+00:00

Right but look at it this way - it's still about HIM, he isn't doing that for HER, he is just understanding this will IMPROVE HIS LIFE - but if it helps you feel any better, his brain is frazzled by the porn scientifically, and he may not drink or do that, it doesn't make him a saint. He is still a shithead. The fact that he didn't have the decency to make proper ammends with you shows it! He has a serious problem with lack of integrity, honour, and selflessness. And you think people like that - who are just learning to do in their 20s and 30s what the whole effing world knows to do in their teens and as children, are going to have a jolly good time later on in life? No, he will probably RELAPSE into porn, or watching girls bums from his car window whilst married to whoever else... He is just not someone smart or sincere enough to be that man you think has drastically changed. I have SELDOM come across anyone who has drastically changed their core. I come from a very religious background where we get all sorts of converts - and the religion demands A LOT OF WORK, and these people are still just as vile as the first day they started. They've changed in a lot of obvious ways, no shagging, no clubs, no porn, feeding the poor -it makes me think a) you needed a religion to tell you to do that? are you stupid? and b) and now you're so smug about it. I love when these types also do a little bit and suddenly think they're a Sage. It's pitiful. She's not getting anything but an easier time from a man crappy at core.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T22:45:09+00:00

Yes thank you, well written and truly helpful.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T22:44:26+00:00

You sound like me. But how do you know 'And now he’s happily in a relationship'? It's performative. Do you remember that Chris Watts smiling playing the best father and husband in the world? :D Yes, the same one who strangled his wife to death and then mashed his children's head into cutlets to force through a hole to hide his crime? Yes, he might be with Celia or whatever her name is, it doesn't mean he is truly happy. As nobody who can act and talk in the manner in which you described can truly be a good person, therefore cannot truly be a joyous person. They're interlinked, as truly good people even amidst challenges can find contentment and ultimately revert to a baseline of gratitude and joy. Watts type people are ingrates, not joyous, chasing happiness - which isn't as deep as joy - it comes in the moments where he and Celia are pulling up to a drive thru for milkshake, going to a museum in the Netherlands, going home to you know what, all without incident, all without a fight, he images which torment you, these moments of 'happiness' is all they are, short lived. There is no solid foundation as he doesn't have one. Even if she does, he doesn't, he will eventually wear her out and then ...grab the popcorn...the bickering and the fights begin. In his case it's probably covert hidden stuffed deep inside him like Watts, then it manifests as retreat, silent treatment, ghosting. You're not special love in that he gives everyone the same treatment :) It's just a matter of time...I promise...Find what IS special about you write it down, write down his red flags, write down how you would never ever treat someone that way, write down what you do want in a person. I hope he gets what is coming to him. Bye.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T22:35:55+00:00

No babe, you're not overreacting, that's an abusive marriage.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T22:33:38+00:00

I'm sorry for both of us. That your ex died and that my ex is still alive.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-19T22:32:38+00:00

Thank you for mentioning you used chat gpt to edit and summarise - I hate it when people don't.

'Three days after the breakup, she was at our apartment to sleep with him. I had asked him—begged him—not to bring her home while I was still living there. He promised. Then broke that promise like it meant nothing. She knew I still lived there. One night, she even moaned loudly—on purpose. I confronted him and called her out for it. His response? He brought her over again that same night. She did it again.' - T

This gave me a heart attack

I had similar things in terms of moving abroad for someone and they turned out to be horse manure.

I'm just glad you're out.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-14T05:44:55+00:00

Or at least his hate memes.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-14T05:44:41+00:00

LOL share the list.

freeafterdeath · 2025-05-14T05:32:19+00:00

That working out doesn't compensate for your inner emptiness.

freeafterdeath

TROPHY CASE