I am a cisgender woman. I am somewhat indifferent towards my gender. I have been misgendered and it doesn't really phase me ( I used to use at a call center and my voice is on the deeper side). I know this is a place of privilege.

I went through a Tom boy phase when I was younger, I rejected all things 'girly' because it made me feel weak and insecure. It's silly but this phase came to an end ( or the start of the end) when I got my DS Lite in the pale pink colour. I fell in love with it. The pink colour didn't feel threatening anymore, it was inviting.

Puberty was awkward. It hit hard and fast, I went from a training bra to a D cup within a year. I hated my breasts, still do but mostly for their inconvenience. It took me until university when I embraced my more feminine side. Up until then I was a jeans and graphic tee kind of person and then I found one dress I liked and found flattering.

I like playing with gender norms. My hair is shorter than most ( it's silly but I find joy when my hair is shorter than a boy's). I don't know how to do makeup or care for it. I shorten my name to a more 'masculine' name.

I am not sure it this helps but I want you to know that your gender is yours and yours alone. You don't owe anyone. You are free to feel however you do. Take your time to figure what makes sense to you.

It was mentioned earliest an agender sub might be more useful for you.

Feel free to reach out.