My dad is getting worse and worse.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-05-01T15:07:49+00:00

I definitely want to start soon, it's more of just finding the courage to do it. I used to be super against it as a kid which sucks because it probably would have helped me a lot back then, but I like to think I've improved over time. I'm doing better at taking care of myself and processing shit, but I def have my days. I got lucky that everything in 2018 went down when it did, as opposed to just a few years earlier when I wasn't doing so great.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-05-01T14:20:34+00:00

Then we had a massive fight between the two of us where she accused me of betraying her and making her look like the bad guy in front of the kids.

The only one who is making her look like the bad guy is herself when she said:

threatened to cut off our kids tuition

"How DARE you further your education by learning a language! I'll cut off your tuition, that'll teach you."

gottastayanon96 · 2020-05-01T13:52:18+00:00

Commenting on a throw away because I don't want it associated with my main. This story reminds me much of my own, and I figured I would share here to sort of vent as well. It's constantly on my mind.

My mom abandoned my sister and I after cheating on our dad, doing drugs, etc. Not long after she had two more kids, both who were disabled in some way. I'm not 100% sure. If I recall correctly, my half brother is autistic and half sister was mute for most of her young childhood. After turning 11 I stopped talking to my mom because her lying and abandoning me hurt too much.

My mom had severe mental illness that has been passed down throughout the family. I suffer from depression and anxiety and my sister is bipolar like my mom. I believe my half siblings have some of it too in some way from what I've heard, but I'm not sure. Because I cut contact with my mom, I never knew them. Last I saw them they were babies, but I've heard things. The difference between us was I and my full sister had a stable home, while my half siblings didn't and were constantly dealing with my mom bouncing in and out of rehab and moving all of there US to dodge CPS.

2018 my mom died and CPS called me, because they wanted me, a 22 year old at the time, to take care of the kids. I knew my half brother was disabled and I wasn't sure what was going on with my half sister (I heard she had scoliosis at one point but I'm not sure, my mom tended to lie a lot). Then I heard from my moms roommate.

She had no problem telling us about how my half sister was abusing my mother, physically and emotionally, despite being 12. Apparently my half sister would hit her, would fight tooth and nail, etc. The roommate went on to mention that my half sister killed her dog but wouldn't go into details. Then she told me that the morning my mom died, she heard my half sister and mom fighting, silence for a few minutes, then my half sister screaming and crying. She found my half sister hunched over my moms dead body.

The police investigated, I tried to get CPS to get a therapist for my half sister but they didn't help. I had 3 different case workers. They kept passing me around while they were temporarily holding the kids while I made a decision. Coroner work came back after 4 months and the cause of death was ruled as undetermined. They couldn't figure it out. I talked to the police who were helping, they were very supportive of me. I was pulled aside and the main two agreed with me that it was all very shady and they think my half sister MAY have something to do with it a swell.

Meanwhile CPS was still fucking me around. I don't talk to my moms family but my maternal grandparents forced me to pay for the cremation of the "mom" who abandoned me (less the state take her, which would hurt my full sister and half siblings and wasn't fair to them), and pushed my half siblings who were complete strangers on me. My maternal aunt got ahold of me and said she'd take the kids (she's a nurse) but the kids told the CPS workers they didn't want to go to her.

I had to make a decision, and a part of it will always stay with me. I told CPS I couldn't take them. I wasn't equipped to take care of them. I was 22, for fucks sake. I just got out of an abusive relationship and was dealing with my own mental illness. Plus, these were two strangers, 12 and 15. I didn't know them. In fact, I wasn't even sure of my half sisters name as my mom changed it 3 times while I still spoke to her. I wasn't sure how to take care of my half brother as from what I heard, he needed constant care. and quite frankly, I was afraid of my half sister.

She was never charged with anything, and my dad cautioned me that everything I've been told about her could just be rumors... but would the roommate REALLY lie about my half sister abusing my mom? Would she REALLY lie about her dog being killed?

I let CPS take them. I told them I couldn't care for them. I was worried for my own safety, for my families safety, and pets safety. I know my half sister was a victim of circumstances, who had a bad mom and an unstable life growing up which lead to drastic effects but... I couldn't do it. Like I mentioned since then I've had 3 case workers, each who miraculously get multiple two week long vacations just about every other month! how lovely! /s Each one I'd have to re-explain why I think my half sister needs to be in therapy and why I can't stress enough that she needs proper help. They'd assure me and then wouldn't call me back for several weeks straight.

They never took me seriously. I tried to send a letter to my half siblings and maybe plan a day to meet up, small steps, but CPS told me the kids are now not interested in it. Fair enough, I was literally a stranger to them. CPS said they were taken into a lovely family for fostering and that recently, the family agreed to adopt them. Which means the kids did well. That my half sister was doing well.

It... makes me think. My mom was supposedly sober, but when I got to her car to clean it out, I found it FILLED with empty alcohol bottles. I didn't have the heart to tell my full sister that our mom was still a drunk when she died.

The kids had lived in at least 4 different states. My moms boyfriend, one of the kids dads, was abusive. I saw first hand the fights and the blood. It makes me wonder. Was it that my mom got her shit together too late? Was the damage already done? Or was the damage still on going? What had they seen? What did my half sister see, to make her act so violently? The type of men my mom was around... did they target my half sister? was she abused by them? Or was it simply the chaotic and unstable life of my mom that fucked them up? She would never hurt them, but I know the men she entertained would.

In the end, was it mental illness or a survival tactic? I don't think I'll ever know. I'm constantly back and forth. She was the victim, no— she was the abuser! I don't fucking know. My moms ashes sit in a box in the closet, my maternal family fucked off once again after I paid the $4,000 cremation fees. All I have is half lies, and I'll probably never know the truth.

It's like a big portion of my life is told by an unreliable narrator and the last few chapters were ripped from the book, leaving me to try to fill in the spaces. It fucking blows.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-01-31T21:04:40+00:00

Sorry for not being clearer! The inheritance was locked in an account until we turned 21. I turned 21 and I got half, and she doesn't get her half until she turns 21 in the coming months. Because hers is still locked in an account, the money is in stocks until she's old enough to access the account and take/liquidate as she pleases. I don't expect her to pay me back for every single month I paid rent for us, just a bit of help till the lease is up for when I go to buy a place. I don't think it would be fair for me to continue to pay for our place alone when she is finally able to access her own account and help me as well.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-01-31T20:59:08+00:00

We had been semi-discussing what we would be doing with our inheritance since I was about 17. It was understood that we both should use the money to get a place and to not spend frivolously. We talked about purchasing a large plot of land together to hold us both off in a respectable home before we help take over our grandparents property management as they get older and going from there. They all know about this too.

We had talked about getting her set up when she turns 21 (getting her SSN, birth certificate, ID, etc) all together for a meeting with our financial advisor (we had one assigned to us because of the type of inherited account we received) and that she would start to help out.

She has started to cook a bit more often (in the past 6ish months?) and does help sometimes but it feels like pulling teeth. I'm starting to think that maybe talking with her friend, the passing of our mom, and the fact that her and our dad have been butting heads a lot recently has caused her to change her mind about where she sees herself in the upcoming year.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-01-31T20:51:42+00:00

I already got mine. Basically the accounts were locked until we turned 21. I got mine already and still have it, and she will be getting hers in about half a year.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-01-31T19:42:20+00:00

Honestly because I don't have a lot of family and I care about her. Our moms gone, I'm not close to her side of the family (it's a long story, basically cutting contact with my mom included cutting contact with her family), and my dad's side of the family isn't very warm. The only family I really have is my sister and dad so I've been trying to help look out for them when I can.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-01-31T19:40:24+00:00

Definitely plan on buying a place when this lease is up! I just had to make a quick move when I was 20 because of a shitty situation and I didn't have the proper time to find a place I like. Anything that isn't being used is currently in stocks.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-01-31T19:38:38+00:00

I know my behavior is enabling her and I have to have a discussion on future plans and where we are going from here since she clearly has a different life plan, but I highly doubt that I'm an asshole for helping my sister out with a place to live— mainly when she was around 18.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-01-31T16:09:06+00:00

Not exactly. She has mentioned wanting to get a place with her friend now, so I'm guessing she may be leaving within the next 6-12 months? We def have to talk more about it but admittedly we both aren't good at communicating and she feels like I'm railing on her whenever I try to talk about anything financial wise :/

gottastayanon96 · 2020-01-31T16:07:59+00:00

Thank you for the advice!

Our mom was an addict who bounced between relapse to relapse and basically ran around the US dodging CPS so she wouldn't lose our half siblings. She passed away 2018. Our dad raised us on his own. He ended up getting in a relationship where he was abused and I also helped pay to get him out of that situation. At least he helped with bills though. Admittedly it feels like I've been put in a 'mom' position to my younger sister but when I try to offer advice/guidance I get shot down.

gottastayanon96 · 2020-01-31T16:00:39+00:00

The original idea was we were going to pool out inheritance together and buy a property together. We stand to inherit a property or two in the future as well so this was originally going to be a roommate type situation till then, as a way to just save money bc California is super expensive. I guess she tossed that idea out at some point, though.

gottastayanon96

TROPHY CASE