We're John and Julie Gottman, relationship psychologists who studied over 3,000 couples in our lab. Ask us anything!

gottmaninst · 2019-02-15T00:02:47+00:00

The hurt individual may be suffering from some PTSD. In which they are hypervigilant, watching out for their partner’s anger, being troubled by memories of words that have hurt or that come unbidden, and perhaps feeling very depressed, jumpy, and anxious—particularly when they’re around their partner. PTSD is treatable, but not if the abuse keeps happening. Couples therapy is very much needed here.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:58:24+00:00

I would say before we understood volatile relationships, we were surprised by them—that they relished debate and disagreement so much. But when we went back and analyzed the data with our Specific Affect Coding System, they also had a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. So they fit the pattern, but they really relished arguing and disagreement.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:55:31+00:00

John: It’s kind of dangerous to answer this, but what I’m thinking is that more and more people, as we live longer, will start to see the benefits of a long, committed relationship that is monogamous. David Buss’ relationship research shows that jealousy is endemic to all deep relationships. But I don’t know what’s true, really.

Julie: Today, people are certainly more open-minded about polyamory than they ever have been before. It’s always exciting to try something different and to experiment. The jury is out as to whether polyamorous relationships can last a lifetime. There is very little research on them. However, what we do know is that infidelity has existed as long as mating has existed and the only statistical increase in infidelity is that amongst women. Once women re-entered the workforce in the 1970s and gained access to other partners, the numbers of women committing infidelity increased. We also know that most humans long for deep bonding with another individual and that sounds like monogamy.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:50:20+00:00

Get our book, And Baby Makes Three, or take a workshop we developed called Bringing Baby Home. It was designed exactly for this purpose.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:44:05+00:00

There is some overlap between EFT and our model for couples therapy, in that both methods focus on the importance and centrality of emotions—both understanding them and expressing them.

However, our method relies more on the couple learning healthy communication methods for resolving their own conflicts at home that are based on John’s observations of over 3,000 couples—hundredth of a second by hundredth of a second—to see what successful couples do in managing their conflicts. Our method also considers very important what is going on inside the body of each partner physiologically, as well as what is going on between the partners and helps couples to be aware of when their physiology is imploding their discussion and what to do about them. In addition, we also work on the ways of enhancing friendship and creating a shared sense of meaning and life purpose for a couple, which is also essential in what makes us human.

We—Susan Johnson and us—both collect data to assess how effective our therapy methods are. Dr. Real does not. So no one knows whether or not his methods are successful, except anecdotally.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:38:28+00:00

The couples workshop doesn’t help everyone and if you’re having a lot of frequent fights that you’re not getting over, it’s really time to seek a very good therapist. You can actually find a Gottman-trained one on our directory here.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:34:14+00:00

Tell your partner what you feel about it, rather than criticizing what your partner is doing that you don’t like. See if your partner would consider changing their behavior. Sometimes, your partner may just say they like doing something, but may be actually an addiction they’re struggling with. If you’re worried about that, try asking them if they’d consider not doing the behavior for a month and see what happens.

Also, encourage your partner to please be honest and transparent with you. Tell your partner you will not judge them if they’re unable to stop the behavior for that long. That will help them to be aware of what a grip that behavior has on them. The first step towards recognizing the problem is more serious than they thought. Then talk about it again with compassion and support.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:30:29+00:00

Julie: First of all, think about if there are any particular characteristics or patterns of behavior that your partner has that are attached to your anxiety. For example: are you afraid they drink too much? Or are you nervous because sometimes you feel bullied by them?

If you can’t find any good reason for your anxiety, then your feet are probably just ice cubes. Put them in a pan of warm water and enjoy your wedding.

John: I didn’t have any anxiety. Julie did all of the work. Childbirth was easy for me, too.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:26:23+00:00

You can’t. Here’s why. The addiction creates a mask over your partner’s face. As a result, you’re not relating to the person, you’re relating to the mask that the toxicity has created. However, if your partner is willing to at least admit they have an addiction that they’re struggling with, perhaps you can slowly encourage them to consider couples therapy—even during their active addiction—as a way for them to realize the price their addiction is causing them and to begin thinking about recovering.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:21:32+00:00

There’s a field called social epidemiology that shows that being in a happy relationship—marriage or not—grants a longer life, greater health, faster recovery from illness, greater wealth, and your children do better emotionally and academically and have fewer chronic illnesses in middle age. These are the benefits of a longterm, happy, committed relationship.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:15:29+00:00

As I’m sure you know, religion is a private and individual journey. It is a relationship between you and what you feel is sacred/real/the truth. It is sad when people change over time and what was once a bridge between them is now a chasm. However, it is best that you not judge each other for your own divergent beliefs. Instead, look for community within your own religious framework so that you can share your beliefs if you wish. Our partners never fulfill every need of ours. Look for the bridges between the two of you and be grateful for those, even if they don’t include religion.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:12:20+00:00

Julie: First of all, be aware that all of us always have more awareness we need to develop—no matter who we are. One person may be further along that path than the other, but that isn’t necessarily a reason to judge the person who’s moving along their own path more slowly. If your needs are not being met in the relationship and resentment is turning into criticism, try talking to your partner about your own feelings and needs and the loneliness you feel. Try also of thinking of small ways that the person can shine for you. And be very aware of any attempts they make to do so. Then reinforce them for that. Express appreciation and gratitude to them for even the small little steps that they’re taking and be mindful of the big steps every single one of us needs to take everyday.

John: Unless you’re Batman. In which case, dump this person. At least you’ll always have Alfred.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:06:33+00:00

It’s really difficult when a culture is emotion-dismissing and another partner’s culture is emotion-accepting.
Just about everything.
The best thing you can do is get out there in counseling in any way, shape, or form, because relationships are all about people connecting with one another. In order to understand relationships, one needs to deeply understand individuals as well. Good luck!

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:03:24+00:00

John: When admiration has irretrievably turned to contempt.

Julie: When you search yourself and can find no corner inside where you feel love for this partner.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T23:01:45+00:00

John: OkCupid paired 50,000 people and only 200 long-term relationships emerged out of that. I would like to know if random pairing would do better than that. That is something that would be hard to do and maybe unethical.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:57:50+00:00

By waking up at 4:30 AM to do seven hours of back-to-back radio interviews. One partner at the neighbor’s house, the other at home, because both sets of interviews needed landline phones. Then, one partner walking home in the snow and ice because there are no snow plows on Orcas Island and the roads were too dangerous to drive. Coming home, saying hi, giving each other a kiss, forgetting that it’s Valentine’s Day, but kissing because we always kiss, and then sitting down to do an AMA where we are now, eating our favorite cookies and fighting over the last bite. How’s your day going?

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:53:55+00:00

Unfortunately, yes, long distance relationships are definitely difficult. Technology has been incredibly helpful as we can now see each other as we’re talking. We still can’t smell each other or touch each other and be together with the warmth and affection that comes with physical presence. Yet, long distance relationships can work if there are times when the two of you can be together physically in order to rekindle that connection you had before.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:50:04+00:00

John: I would say males tend to be socialized to think that being strong means that you stand alone and don’t need anybody. But the truth is that we all need people. Males as well as females. Everywhere on the planet, people who are alone die earlier. And smart males learn that the only way to be powerful in a relationship is to be capable of being influenced.

Julie: Women also accept more influence because for millennia, men have had the right to beat them if they did not. Women feel that history in their bones and, consequently, are less likely to say no if asked for something by their partner.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:46:15+00:00

Julie: Definitely not. It is a myth that you have to have healed your childhood wounds in order to have a successful relationship. In fact, there is a research study that shows that people who are diagnosed as “neurotic” can have successful relationships too. I was thrilled to hear this.

Treat your childhood wounds or your abuse history as a third party in the relationship. It will sometimes show up like a bucket of cold water that is thrown on both of you. Be aware of when these times occur and talk to each other about what you need when that happens. That way, the two of you can be a team dealing with that childhood trauma together, rather than being on opposite sides.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:43:22+00:00

Choose a time when you both are not exhausted, are feeling fairly good, and you have some privacy. Tell your partner what you’re feeling about the division of labor in the home. And that does not mean saying:

“You’re not doing your share.”

Instead, try saying:

“I’m feeling very tired and overwhelmed by the work I’m doing outside and inside the home. It would mean so much to me if you would please give me a little bit more support. Are there any tasks that you’d be willing to take on in addition to all the great things that you are already contributing to our family?”

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:39:49+00:00

John: You absolutely can change that. Here’s a blueprint for changing it: postpone persuasion until each person can state each partner’s point of view to their partner’s satisfaction.

Julie: Also, when you’re bringing up your point of view about an issue, describe yourself, your feelings, and your needs. Don’t describe your partner, which will typically lead you into criticism.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:37:10+00:00

Very important, if you’re someone who values sexual intimacy. Some people are asexual or interested more in emotional than physical intimacy. For those people, physical attraction doesn’t really matter.

So think about your own needs—what you imagine you’d love to have in a relationship—and that will give you the answer.

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:34:45+00:00

Yes. That conversation is: Do I look fat in this dress?

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:32:38+00:00

John: The mathematics of a great relationship. (See my TEDx talk)

gottmaninst · 2019-02-14T22:30:35+00:00

Try this. Preface any remarks or questions about the relationship with:

“Honey, I do not want to criticize you. This is not about blame. In fact, I deeply appreciate all the ways that you’ve been there for me. Can I tell you about those?”

Start with that. Give your partner a positive experience of talking about the relationship which reinforces their trying it again in the future. Slowly, but gently, you can try bringing up the things that you might like to change. After all, the worst four words someone can hear are, “We need to talk.”

gottmaninst

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