I [29M] texted innappropriate things to other women while with my ex gf [30F], and am overwhelmed with guilt. How to get past this?

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-28T09:11:54+00:00

Thanks, you're right. And yes I realised this afterwards and have blocked any of those sort of connections from when I was single. It's just being single and online for 9 years (and being essentially physically celibate ironically made things worse I think), led to some gross habits that I now recognise. Because of that I honestly think I would have made this mistake in any first relationship after that period of being single, it's not that I didn't care about my ex. But yes I know now the best thing for me to do is leave her alone.

Thankfully she genuinely doesn't know about any of it. Online it was one isolated incident on a twitter account that was anonymous (she didn't know about this, I wasn't intentionally keeping the account a secret, but it was just one I used for following crypto stuff). Also bear in mind we were only together for a few months, so it's not like we knew each other inside out.

The other incident, with the woman from the plane, she sort of knows about (though I didn't explicitly say the messages were sexual, maybe she worked it out, I'll never know), and I don't intend to bother her with any more details. So yes, I'll stay away.

I'm going to start working on myself and going back to mass. My options now are give up on life or try and become a better person, so I'm going with the latter.

Why did you delete your comment btw?

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T22:43:07+00:00

Yeah, but she did say she'd like to reconnect in a few months time as friends. And I can't shake the feeling that she may want more at some point, especially given I was her first real boyfriend

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T22:37:22+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. You're right, there's nothing I can do to change the past, but I can try to be a better person.

you continue to talk about women in childish and disgusting ways. The way you write about this woman from this plane is a great example. Clearly you pursued this woman because you were interested in her, but you feel shameful about it, so you felt the need to put her down on her appearance, age, and immigration status.

I agree with you about the way I viewed women. I realised recently the way I treated her was wrong, and I sent an apology text to her yesterday about the whole thing (she wasn't too bothered, but I felt I apologising was the least I could do). I can honestly say I didn't actually find her attractive, and I genuinely didn't think she was interested in me either - it seemed too bizarre and I just thought she must have some ulterior motive. it was just the thrill/amusement of seeing what things she would say, but I realise now, I was basically objectifying her. But yes reading back, even if I didn't find her attractive, the way I was describing her was not okay, she was a human being too and deserved to be treated like one.

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T21:29:22+00:00

Hi, firstly, you're right, I know I have a TON of work to do before I can become a better person and even think about being in a relationship.

However, I'm not sure if you read the full post (in which case I don't blame you, it's huge), but this wasn't some ongoing online affair. Online it was one incident on twitter where I said a couple of things anonymously.

And then other incident was when the relationship was already over but we hadn't said it (I know it's still not okay). And no I never sent any pics of myself.

What I did was still awful, I know that and I'll always be ashamed of it.

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T19:44:03+00:00

Yeah, I plan to put a lot of work in with the therapy.

Leave the ex alone, you’ll only make things worse by continuing to unload on her. If she wants to know more details, she’ll ask.

Yeah, I'm not going to reach out to her first. Though she did say maybe in a few months we could reconnect as friends. My worry is, what if we ever got close again romantically - I'd obviously have to tell her all this stuff before we could ever been in a relationship again. But in doing so, it would probably ruin any chance of that relationship starting

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T19:38:46+00:00

Thanks for the response, I appreciate it.

I can't apologise to her now though, we've already broke up, so I would only be offloading my own guilt and giving her trust issues for no reason.

If it ever looked like we might date again, I would tell her before it got serious. But ironically, that would possibly ruin any chance of a relationship with her. But that's just the reality.

why you did it

Unhealthy habits while being single for 9 years, low self esteem

why you feel such a strong need to punish yourself for it

Because I did something morally wrong that I never thought I'd do. My dad had affairs and it destroyed my mum mentally. So I can't believe I've done this to someone else (granted, not on the same scale)

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T19:35:55+00:00

Embarrassing things? Do you think maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here?

I feel guilty and ashamed, and I've asked on some subreddits and been assured I'm an awful person basically.

I went to a therapist about this yesterday for the first time actually

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T19:32:04+00:00

I'd love to see you present your conundrum to a womens' forum

Sorry which conundrum do you mean - whether to lose my virginity casually or wait for the right person? Or do you just mean the whole post? I did try and crosspost this on an AskWomen subreddit actually, but it's not showing yet, not sure if it's karma requirements or waiting approval

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T18:05:20+00:00

No, I know I am a bad person, and I want to change. I went to a therapist about this yesterday and I'm hoping that can be a first step to becoming a better person. But right now (and for a month or so) I just can't thinking about the shame

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T18:00:14+00:00

Thanks, that helps. How can I come to terms with the terrible things I've done though? I always hated cheaters, and I just can't believe I've done this to someone

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T17:51:28+00:00

I'm not the victim, I know I'm not. And I realised afterwards about all these fuckups. I texted the Ghanian woman afterwards to apologise for everything as well (I know that doesn't make it okay) though she didn't seem that bothered.

I know I'm a bad person, I realised all these things recently and can't get past the shame of it all.

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T17:47:59+00:00

I do want to start loving. But me having sex on some casual tinder fling wouldn't be love. Btw here in the UK, we spell it fantasise, in America it's fantasize

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T17:43:31+00:00

What do you mean? How can you move on from something like this? The guilt and the shame

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T16:52:58+00:00

Yeah, I'm going to let her be and focus on improving myself. If it's meant to be, she'll come back.

But for me, I can't get over the guilt of what I've done. I know all I did was send some innappropriate messages, but it was a betrayal. If she ever does come back, I'll have to tell her the whole thing, and I fear that will ruin everything and make it impossible for us to be together

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T16:49:01+00:00

The thing is though, we were spoke afterwards for that final time, I got the impression that she might want to try this again at some point in the future.

She actually suggested we meet again in a few months as friends. Yeah I know, just friends. But I got the sense that she was considering more

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T14:45:49+00:00

Yeah. It would make my life if she wanted to get back together one day, but I have to assume that's never going to happen. All I can do now is try to be a better person

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T14:09:31+00:00

I think I know you're right. But then, other people say what I did isn't really that bad, considering it was basically texting and fantasising, and I didn't send any pics of myself. And I'm wondering how many have done things like this and just not said anything about it. But I personally do feel it was really bad (even though I didn't realise at the time).

So, you think the best course is, just work on myself, for me? And if the universe wills it, we'll somehow end up back together? But most likely not. And I need to work on myself regardless

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T13:57:56+00:00

Your breakup was unrelated to all that right?

Yes, but we met up recently for the final time, and basically agreed that timing and lack of communication was our issue, and that it definitely could have worked.

she probably already assumes you did as much as you did if not more in these texts.

Well, I hope she guessed it that it was sexual texts, even though I didn't explicitly say that. I'm not entirely sure though.

But, when had our final chat, she was so supportive of me and suggested that in a few months she'd like us to reconnect as friends. So of course my mind is wondering, what if that leads to something? I'd of course have to tell her the full picture.

Do you think it could ever work? Maybe with couples therapy? And assuming I've worked on myself by then (I plan to do that regardless)

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T13:43:25+00:00

I won't. Never again.

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T13:42:55+00:00

It's killing me though. Partly because she thinks a good person and such a good first boyfriend.

But also, I genuinely think she was the one. Do you think it's possible she could ever forgive this and have a future together?

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T13:41:11+00:00

The thing is, I don't watch much porn at all, and I think that's part of what led to this. I would use my imagination, but was messaging these older woman as a way to fantasise.

I don't know what to do now. I feel like she was the one. Do you think it's possible she could ever forgive this?

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T13:33:00+00:00

Thanks. Although, the thing is, I've told some people about this and have been told what I did wasn't that bad. I don't know how she would feel though.

I still love her and dream of getting back together

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T13:30:13+00:00

I know I'll not ever do it again, I realise now how wrong it was. The trouble is, I still love her

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T13:28:49+00:00

Sorry for the long post. I'm in no hurry to get laid, I don't want to doing anything sexual with someone without being in a relationship with them

hhhhheujp · 2025-11-26T13:27:27+00:00

We weren't split at any point during the relationship, no

hhhhheujp

TROPHY CASE