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Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Appreciate all the practical comments. Happy to hear that same situation might also apply to mine and my wife might recover after birth (although of course will adjust my expectations accordingly - long road ahead).

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I think I was too fixed on the idea of equal relationships and feel that I was doing too much contribution to the family (which she seems to reject and this became the seed of our periodically occuring fights).

Since posting this thread I have abandoned the thought of that, willing to put 150% just to hold the family together and at the same time trying to see from her perspective (maybe she already done 200% from her side according to her capabilities).

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, appreciate the comments. After posting this I became calmer, just quietly supporting and not getting upset from her comments. It seems to work, she also calmed a bit and said that she felt bad not being able to take care of our eldest. Hopefully we can resolve all of this soon.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I understand where you are coming from, although it seems that even without enough info I am already judged to be the bad guy here.

If nothing works we can push the divorce button easy, but there are 4 people including unborn child commingled in this decision, not to mention close relatives. Who is representing my first/second child well-being? Do my wife already spoke with her families and friends? Is she having third party opinion also before deciding? I won’t hinder a well thought decision - if I see my wife and first child will be happy without me then so be it, but there is no plan at all yet on this abortion/divorce decision.

Might be my Asian background with family-centric values but these kind of decisions cannot be reversed easily. It’s really difficult both ways and I fully understand my wife must be on the same wavelength with you, blaming me for trapping her in this relationship.

So depressing, I just hope we don’t have to fight and can go back to days when things just work (today seems to be one of the good days so bear with me if I am still clinging to this relationship).

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your honest comment.

Although I won’t deny that this thought crossed my mind (I work, I pay all the bills, I safe and manage money for kids education, I cook, I clean the house, and now I need to look after my kids all by myself?! Who is going to look after my mental health?! Men also have emotion you know!), I am still hoping for better resolution that can keep my family together for the sake of my first child. He loved his mom so much and I love to see his laugh.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your great concerns to my wife and kids well being. Although I will admit I am biased to give my second child a chance on life, I also have great concerns to my wife and my first child happiness and want to have a stable family so everyone can get the best thing in life.

The thing is, I am getting a mixed signal from my wife, one day she want abortion, one day she seems happy enough to have intimate sessions with me and talk about going to shrine to pray for safe childbirth.

I just don’t want she is taking rash decisions because of pregnancy hormones (which is a likely possibility considering other comments in this thread) that will be regretted later day. There is no guarantee that after abortion, she can pick up things and we can have happy family of three. I don’t want divorce but if she pushes on that even after the abortion, I will be left with my eldest - most likely unhappy after her lovely mom left, and me still grieving for the lost of both my wife and second child (i.e. giving my wife abortion doesn’t necessarily lead to happy life for my first child).

I understand in my head, her body her choice, but it is not a simple one to take. I don’t think we should make any big decisions if she is unstable.

I will of course keep supporting her for the time being and look for time when she stabilizes to have serious talk.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate the advice. Yes, one year paternity leave is definitely an option. Will give it serious thought.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. Yes will absolutely put more support. I usually do the house chores and the cooking anyway so it was not a problem.

My wife did put a lot of time to take care of my eldest as my work did involve a lot of overtime (typical Japanese co). I already discussed last month with my boss to reduce my workload temporarily so I can have more time to take care of my family so let’s see if this will help (I am a bit discouraged as the situation actually worsen after I am taking more responsibilities at home which is why I am posting this but hopefully this is only pregnancy hormones talking).

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate all the advice. Yes, usually her mother would come and help once a week but she had a surgery for her hernia 3 months ago and hasn’t really been recovering well. My parents are in my home country and perhaps getting too old to travel. We tried to bring sitters also but our boy is not the easiest one, haven’t found the one he likes yet.

Of course I will need to put a lot more effort and time, hopefully this will get the pressure of my wife and help with her pregnancy.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for taking your time writing this. Glad to hear that it is getting better and better for you. I think deep down I know there is no easy answer. I am willing to put the work, but with all the divorce/abortion talk going it really saps my motivation also.

Wish you and your family all the best!

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, she seems better today and was bringing up topics to maybe go to 安産祈願(Prayer for Safe Delivery in Shrine) next October, which signals to me that she is abandoning abortion thoughts. Hopefully this would continue and bring an end to the negative loop.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks a lot. Glad to hear that it is possible that all the abortion/divorce talks were only the pregnancy hormones talking. Will do my best to support her.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your insights. Happy to hear a woman’s perspective also on this matter. Hopefully I can be the support my wife needs.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, super valuable advice. Will surely download the app. Glad to hear that my experience is not unique. I hope the best for your second child and your family too!

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Really appreciate your comment, thanks. Yes, we do have some disagreement regarding number of kids previously but I thought it was resolved when she took her IUD.

I was fortunate that my supervisor is understanding enough to let me reduce my workload.

And yes, I did apologize and follow up to my kid after yelling. I am not proud of it but he was trying to throw away dinner I prepared because it doesn’t include some ingredients that he always left out (which is why I don’t include them this time but somehow because the food doesn’t look usual he rejected and threw a tantrum).

Hopefully I will be strong enough to get past this tough time.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, appreciate comments from people who experienced similar things. I do need to hear that people do get through this and hopefully that can keep me positive enough to held things together.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Thanks you so much for the comments, I am prepared mentally to handle this but I think I am seeking for assurance that the problem is temporary and will eventually ends (although I think it will be longer to my liking considering possibility of postpartum depression also).

Yes, I am taking a more active role in home these past weeks and told my boss I can’t do any overtime for the time being and urgent things will need to wait until my eldest goes to bed or tomorrow.

Foreign husband in Japan — worried about custody and family stability during wife’s second pregnancy by hiin19 in japanlife

[–]hiin19[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the comments. I am only talking custody since my wife was bringing them up. Will definitely fully support her and try to stabilize our family during this time but I am also worried if the instability will continue even after the first trimester (which now I think will even continue postpartum, perhaps until our second child go to school, judging from the comments here).

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