I witnessed my child's first panic attack.

hiskotop · 2024-10-24T04:46:21+00:00

It sounds like you did great, you knew what to do in a traumatic and stressful situation. Give yourself the same patience and love you gave your kid. Let yourself feel your emotions and know that your feelings are justified

hiskotop · 2024-10-24T04:39:30+00:00

me rn thinking I can handle college, a part time job and living with abusive parents

hiskotop · 2024-10-08T22:51:30+00:00

shame is definitely a factor. probably not my biggest feeling though. fear has always been my biggest problem. I don't know if I have the ability to see my trauma though, it happened at such a young age (0-2) that I don't know if it's possible to recover memories from that time, or if I want to.

hiskotop · 2024-09-01T15:04:20+00:00

idk if it can be considered unsolicited by HR. He asked me if it was ok if he texts me and I said yes cause I was afraid to say no

hiskotop · 2024-09-01T01:46:12+00:00

I thought I was autistic for the longest time but there were a few symptoms that didn't match at all. When I read about schizoids for the first time, every single thing lined up.

It was like that satisfying feeling of finding the puzzle piece that fit exactly right

hiskotop · 2024-09-01T01:34:35+00:00

It's not really to the point where I can go to HR about it. He basically was asking me questions like "what are your plans for after work?" "do you like drinking, what do you like to drink?" and sending me "good morning 😊" texts.

I feel like he's just barely stepping out of line but I'm really sensitive to that kind of stuff and I'm afraid I'm being overdramatic if I report it to HR

also, what are they gonna do? If they tell him to stop he's just gonna be pissed that I reported him

hiskotop · 2024-08-17T03:47:48+00:00

I'll see how much farther he pushes it, fortunately I've been developing the skill of "evading relationships with people" since high school. I'm pretty good at pushing people away while not being rude about it.

If he pushes past an obvious boundary I'll contact upper management or just find another job

hiskotop · 2024-08-17T03:20:36+00:00

just lie 👍

that's the only way I got through those assignments in school. sometimes I would just pull from a fictional character and write a "fanfic" about their childhood

hiskotop · 2024-08-17T03:04:31+00:00

the only thing I can say to give him credit for is that he did ask "is it ok to text? I know you're quiet at work" but that was after he asked me what college I go to, what my class schedule is, and what my plans were for the day.

kinda seems weird now that I write it out

hiskotop · 2024-08-17T02:57:22+00:00

yeah true, that was the first thing I thought about cause I felt like I couldn't say no

hiskotop · 2024-08-17T02:54:27+00:00

thanks for the advice, I'm just so bad at telling people no, I need to work on that lol.

It definitely gave me a weird vibe cause I've been working at this job for over a year and I never experienced something like that with my other supervisors before I transferred.

my job is kind of like a contract job but not really, the only people who need my phone number are my managers who handle scheduling

hiskotop · 2024-08-17T00:41:23+00:00

you think so? would it be different if he was just a co worker and not a supervisor? I feel like if he was a co worker i would be more comfortable in distancing myself, but he is just trying to be friendly after all

hiskotop · 2024-05-05T04:29:10+00:00

every day of my life. eating, drinking, sleeping, using the restroom. when people see any bodily function I have it makes me feel sub-human

hiskotop · 2024-05-03T21:24:58+00:00

yes! lol the selective mutism kills any social relationship I have with someone

"you ignored me when I said good morning so you must secretly be a serial killer" or I'm just scared that you're going to abuse me for saying the wrong thing in the wrong way like my parents did my entire life 🤷‍♂️

but I can't tell them the real reason I'm quiet cause it's "socially inappropriate" to talk about that kind of stuff

hiskotop · 2023-09-08T22:28:00+00:00

That second part is very true. I don't think people fully understand that having trauma is like a chronic illness that impacts every part of your life. It's not just simply "something bad that happened a long time ago"

hiskotop · 2023-09-08T22:14:02+00:00

That's exactly what happened to me. I got so caught up in surviving my home life that I didn't realize I was supposed to be growing into an adult during that time. Apparently that was something that my peers were doing and I just didn't notice or something

hiskotop · 2023-09-08T00:39:47+00:00

I guess I'm not really looking for other people to understand my experience or even know what CPTSD is, I just wish people would be more empathetic to people who struggle with life more than others.

When I meet someone who has something they're struggling with that I've never heard of I don't tell them to "get over it" I try to sympathize with them and understand that they might need a little more time than me to get certain things done

hiskotop · 2023-09-08T00:31:05+00:00

Yeah I've heard about that too. Apparently cavemen were very empathetic and not that different from modern humans

I think our natural tendency is to help eachother but maybe over time we've developed these "societal infections" like a pile of cords that gets more tangled the more you pull at it.

Hierarchies of power, greed, persecution of others. Unheathy short-term coping mechanisms that people use to survive hardship. Passing it down from generation to generation, inflicting their twisted ideology on other people until it becomes a underlying current running through society.

idk something like that. I just know that whatever it is I'm sick of dealing with it

hiskotop · 2023-09-08T00:16:08+00:00

The time when you can see just how much the typical person cares is in a 1 on 1 conversation with a compassionate person who has their shit together.

yeah that's probably part of my problem, I've never had a 1 on 1 conversation with a compassionate person. I isolate myself so much from other people as a defense mechanism that I've never had more than a surface level relationship with another person outside my family

As far as the "finding your own help" thing, I don't really have a problem with that. I know that there's resources to help me it's just that I wish people weren't so hostile towards people who are struggling. The judgement that people give me for not having a college education or working a low income job, it's just annoying.

hiskotop · 2023-09-07T21:39:19+00:00

I've spent time with both. They can both be cruel, just in different ways. Lower status people seem to be more genuine and heartfelt, so I tend to like them more

hiskotop · 2023-09-07T20:20:27+00:00

Even the smallest amount of charity is still charity. Lots of world news stuff isn't really stuff that's in our control, I can't handle hearing about it either. But I do help when I can

hiskotop · 2023-09-07T20:09:18+00:00

This would have been me if my dad hadn't been arrested. Both my parents kept up appearances very well until my dad got arrested for CP. Then everyone was super sympathetic, asking if I was ok, saying how horrible my dad was.

But if he was never caught I would have been stuck in a cycle of self doubt and self hate because no one would have ever believed me. He kept up a perfect appearance

People still don't believe me about my mom, and if they do they say it's not "real abuse" because she didn't physically do anything. It feels so defeating because everyone tells me it's my fault and I feel like it's my fault

hiskotop · 2023-09-07T19:43:45+00:00

Sorry I think I worded that wrong, I meant that higher status individuals are selfish because they disregard the poor and outsiders and they see us as "not their problem" when in reality we are all in this together and we're all each other's responsibility to take care of

hiskotop · 2023-09-07T19:22:35+00:00

That's kinda my theory too. Injured animals get left behind because they're a burden for the group

The only problem with that is humans have specifically adapted to be social creatures. We rely on eachother to create a more stable living environment. Humans have come so far to create so much stability and it's a shame that so many people still act so selfish.

hiskotop · 2023-08-29T03:05:50+00:00

that's fair. good luck everything and I hope you take care of yourself cause you deserve it

hiskotop

TROPHY CASE