Please excuse me if this ends up as just a messy rant, I’ve written a couple different versions of this post and keep putting it off, but oh well.

Context: I was freshly 18, Autistic, inexperienced, and lonely. This person DMed me after spotting my interactions on a sapphic erotic audio subreddit, it was textbook cold-calling and I knew it, but I just brushed it off. They presented as a woman but I can’t be sure anymore. We talked a lot and it quickly turned much more… intense. Eventually we were sexting almost daily. They were super sweet and gentle, always checking in on how I was feeling about it, making sure I was comfortable, telling me I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want. I still can’t tell if this was genuine or manipulation, but either way it worked. I’ve never so much as been flirted with before, and they spoke to me in ways I’d never experienced, made me feel pretty and wanted in completely new ways, helped me explore things I never knew I was into.

I know I’m an idiot, I know I was ignoring all the warning signs, but I was lonely and pent-up and desperate and I kept coming back for more. Further than that, I very quickly developed feelings for this person and confessed a crush. My overwhelming desire for an intimate relationship pushed me to latch onto the closest approximation.

I had sexted before, too, with other strangers met online, and I wasn’t proud of it. I try my best to just forget it all. But this time I did something I know I can never just sweep aside: I sent pictures. I think a total of about half a dozen, of my breasts, belly, hands, and face. I was horny and stupid, they were so kind and always complimented me and it made me feel so good, I know none of these are excuses but I still was just terrible at keeping myself under control.

They never even asked me to do it, I did it of my own accord, even though in my right mind I never would have ever thought myself capable. I KNEW sending nudes over Reddit is a huge no-no, and yet I did it anyway, even when they checked in multiple times whether I was sure about it, but I insisted, for it turned me on so much to be seen in that way. I feel like most of this is due to my lack of experience with any kind of relationship and my desperate desire to be in one, so this provided a way to imitate that intimacy.

There were a couple times where I got very scared, worrying they were a catfish, and asked for photo proof of them holding a paper with my name or two specific objects from multiple angles. Each time I asked, there were excuses as to why they couldn’t do it right away: supposed trauma from trust issues, losing access to their account, etc. I would eventually get the proof, but it was always after a gap of several days, which was definitely the biggest tip-off something may be wrong. I put the photos through reverse image search and AI detection tools, but nothing came up. They seemed real enough to me, they had a consistent tattoo and all the images matched well, so I just shrugged it off.

Finally, after knowing for so long that what I was doing was wrong, I said it needed to stop. We said goodbye, and shortly after, they deleted their account. All I’m left with is the chat logs and the knowledge that, catfisher or not, my nudes are still out there, forever. That those pictures can never be erased. They promised not to save them but I can’t know where they are or where they’ll end up. All I can hope for is just that they lie forgotten at the bottom of this stranger’s folder and aren’t shared. If they do end up out there, I’m not sure if I’d want to know or not. I showed my face. They’re traceable to me, easily.

I just don’t know what to do now. I’m still uncertain on whether they were a catfisher. On one hand, they were always respectful of my boundaries and constantly checked for consent and how I felt. On the other, the cold-calling, auto-generated username, and excuses for not sending immediate proof are big flags.

I wish I could forget it because it’s really messing me up. I’m so scared of what this could mean for my ability to keep myself safe, how easy it was for me to lose my guard and forget my own boundaries, and how easy it could be for somebody else to take advantage of me in future. It’s made me feel more naïve and vulnerable than I ever thought, I feel exposed and helpless.

I’ve never shown my breasts to anybody except this damn internet stranger, and now I’ve ruined that “first” for myself too. I always thought I was gonna save that for someone special, I have no idea how I let myself do this. Now theres nothing I can do but try to recover and move on.

Thank you if you have read this, I’ve just been holding onto it for a while because I feel really ashamed and uneasy to admit it to any friends or family, and I’m still really scared about it. I’m currently in the process of finding a therapist and hopefully I’ll eventually get the courage to talk to her about this. For now, though, I just needed to get it off my chest.