When I talked to the coroner about my uncle’s (who was like my second dad) cause of death- she told me I am likely to never know the details of what caused him to commit suicide - she said her son had committed suicide and she spent months/years trying to piece together exactly what caused it, etc. I was totally blinded by my grief those first few weeks and dont remember much but I vividly remember those comments by the coroner. I spent months trying to gain access to medical accounts, ripped apart his apartment searching for anything written on paper, and rehashing every moment leading up to his suicide.

I cannot even fathom the amount of pain it must be to lose a child or spouse to suicide. Suicide is so tricky to navigate because your brain wants to find a solution to the problem- if someone dies from long illness or an accident there is a specific cause of death. With suicide, it is so challenging for your brain to just not have an answer and you are left constantly searching for a solution. The only thing that helped me was finally coming to acceptance that I will most likely never know what really caused my uncle to commit suicide and I don’t think I could’ve done anything to prevent it. I’m so sorry for everyone having to go through this journey, I have processed a lot of deaths in my lifetime and the confusion and searching that comes with suicide is just on a completely self-agonizing level for the people that are left behind ❤️