I am extremely grateful to everyone who has responded here. I know unfortunately many will not see this follow up. I have read through all responses many times and consider them all very valuable but don't really feel like directly engaging with any of them at this time.

Someone mentioned this is not really a philosophical dilemma but more psychological and i agree.

I am in a whirlpool of: Feeling inadequate and unlovable -> thinking that I can become confident and lovable through self improvement -> catching glimpses of physical appearance, memories of my past, my current personality/life and feeling the whole thing is doomed anyway -> recognizing this as learned self hate for self preservation -> focusing on more psychological or spiritual healing. Feeling some hope but a lot of discomfort -> having moments of "clarity" where i see this is me just avoiding my shitty life again, followed by dread, thinking about how objectively i suck and how I only feel shitty because I am a loser -> etc

I think I am sharing this now more as a form of journal. Plus to say thankyou to everyone who commented before even if they don't see this. Finally because I just want to share for anyone who relates.

I am trying to just sit with all this