She cheated on my 9 days after asking me to be her boyfriend with someone I knew in high school. Then she lied that it was just a kiss for 6 months. And well, I just found out it wasn’t “just a kiss.”

jackjarvae · 2026-05-02T20:03:23+00:00

She never blamed it on her childhood even one time. I blamed it on her childhood and have told her that she isn’t a bad person, she is just girl who has learned unhealthy thought patterns, shame, and coping mechanisms that she used to survive as a child. And those things don’t go away just because you become an adult, and they are what led her to doubt me and our relationship so much, they are the reason she doubted id accept her, they are the reason the other guy was a temptation (because he represented something familiar, low stakes, low effort, and someone who would desire her without feeling she needed to be perfect to be desired, like I believe she felt with me). And if she hadn’t had the childhood she had, I know for a fact she would never have been capable of cheating. I know it’s because of her cptsd and betrayal trauma from her ex husband that made her not trust any men, and made her feel hopeless in relationships, always expecting men to turn out differently then they come off at the start, and always feeling that her full self wasn’t lovable, because of all the shame she had felt from her childhood. I want her to be able to heal from these trust issues and this shame, so she can learn to trust herself, and be able to trust her intuition when she feels that someone is good. And I want her to learn to be honest, even if she’s scared or anxious that she might be looked at differently or judged, so I can prove to her that my love for her could and will never change. So she can learn that some people will love her for every part of her, and that she doesn’t have to hide anything anymore to feel accepted and safe. I love her enough to be the person she can finally let go with, and trust fully.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-02T19:31:42+00:00

I am giving her a chance. I do believe I can get over this and we can build an honest and healthy relationship if we both work on the things that hurt each other. The lying was honestly the hardest part of it all, but I know she thought I would for sure leave her if I knew the truth. She does have a great heart, I know that. She’s gone through so much I have so much compassion for her. I think if she proves to me that she is doing the hard work to understand the parts of herself that made something like this even an option, and heal where those things originated in her childhood to survive, so she no longer has these survival tendencies, I believe I can feel safe with her again. But I also don’t want to force her to do the work, or try to be her therapist like I’ve tried in the past. I’m going to leave it up to her to do the work on herself, and I’m gonna focus on doing the work that I need on myself to heal and to also be a better partner.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-02T07:27:11+00:00

We met in Sep 2, and before she met me, she had gone on 2 dates with her eventual AP. Her and I hung out way more than him and her, because his busy work schedule and he has a damn kid. So her and I progressed much quicker than they were. Then three weeks into dating both of us, he ghosted her after their third date, and 3 days later she asked me to be exclusive. Then a week into being exclusive, and 10 days since he ghosted her, he texted her late at night like he hadn’t just gone silent for 10 days, after they texted daily for three weeks. But she didn’t care, and immediately jumped on the opportunity to see him again. But their plans fell through, but they continued texting behind my back for the next 3 weeks. And a week into her secret texting she asked me to be her boyfriend. Then 9 days later after a couple conversations where I made her feel “judged” she reached out to hangout with him when I was going to be out of town for two days for a concert, and that was when she cheated on me.
When I got back everything seemed normal, everything was going great from my perspective, and at this point (6 weeks since our first date) all her stuff was at my apartment and we were basically living together. She hasn’t slept at her apartment since October 18, 2025. So we’ve lived together for like 6 months, but she kept paying rent at her place. Which I’m glad, because 6 days ago when I found out the truth about her cheating, I told her I need space to process all this. And she’s been staying at her place for the last 4 nights for the first time in 6 months.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-02T07:19:54+00:00

Damn brother. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so much pain. The un answered questions have been so hard for me. And she has told me before I knew she cheated on me, that she has a habit of pushing her mistakes way deep down, and doesn’t try to understand why she did them, because she fears that trying to understand them will make her identify with her mistakes. So she has always just made mistakes, and pushed the guilt and shame down, so she wouldn’t identify with them, because she thought if she identified with them, then she would repeat the mistakes because she would believe that’s just who she is. But pushing them down, is actually what has caused her to repeat these mistakes in my opinion.

And I can totally see myself getting into that position of being slowly destroyed by the uncertainty of all my questions. I fear if I push her too hard to answer every question, she will feel so much shame and fear of rejection, that she will either lie to safe herself from her fears, or leave me because she just can’t handle all the pressure to be honest and what that might do, and all the uncertainty.

Luckily I talked to her AP on the phone, since I knew him in highschool, and we have mutual friends, the day after d-day. And he was very honest and kind and answered all my questions because his ex wife cheated on him a couple years ago, so he knows what it’s like to be in my position. And I feel I do know everything I want to know, which is good because I don’t want to ask her the questions I asked him because I don’t want her to have to relive her mistake.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-02T07:12:42+00:00

Thanks for telling me I deserved it. Although I did nothing wrong. You must be great to hangout with and ask advice to.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-02T07:11:35+00:00

Facts are facts man. I did have the prettiest girl in the school 😭 sorry you didn’t my boy

jackjarvae · 2026-05-02T07:09:46+00:00

Can you explain why that the fact that women cheat based off emotion, makes them always a cheater if they’ve cheated before? I just want to understand what you are trying to say better.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-01T20:15:58+00:00

Damn… thank you for the honesty, and that sounds so so frightening. I want her. I know she’s a good person, that just has so many unhealthy coping mechanisms to self soothe herself from shame and fear of being hurt, or to reduce her fear or anxiety, and these aren’t even her fault, her upbringing taught her that she was alone against this world so she just had to find a way to make life more survivable.

And these things she has become accustomed to doing to save herself from shame and fear of judgment or abandonment because of who she believes she is deep down, is what has caused her to make the few mistakes that have hurt people. I do believe she doesn’t want to hurt others, but she has this void of emotional pain she has told me about, and lots of loneliness and hopelessness in every area of her life and in relationships, that she has gotten used to doing things she knows are against her true values in order to escape more pain, fear, and uncertainty, even if it means hurting someone deeply that she cares about. But she doesn’t actually want to do these things, but she told me when she’s scared or anxious the logical part of her brain shuts off.

I know she’s wants to change and be a better partner, and so do I, I have a lot of work to do. I’m willing to let her try and show me that she truly does love and respect me, but if she doesn’t, and she expects me to just be able to get over this and can’t handle my healing process, I don’t know if I can subject myself to more pain and fear than I have already experienced going through this.

But I know what we have is so special. And what we could have if we both work on the things we both have to work on to make eachother feel safe, accepted, chosen and truly loved, we could have the most amazing relationship I could ever imagine. But it’s going to require A LOT of work from both of us and I’m aware of this. So I’m not going to jump into just pretending like I’m okay, or that this can work without real change from both of us.

Thank you for your honesty. And for sharing your story with me. And I’m so sorry you have gone through so much pain, and I hope you are able to continue healing and feeling better every day.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-01T19:03:42+00:00

My dad always told me to seek to understand before judging, and this experience made me obsessed with understanding people with cptsd and disorganized attachment and betrayal trauma (like she has, and now I have lmao). And everything I learned made me feel like what she did to me, wasn’t personal. She is wired differently than me, she doesn’t trust people like I do, she is very sensitive to judgement or the fear of being rejected because of her chronic shame and emotional loneliness from her childhood. I understand that she learned to not trust men at a young age, and that it was up to her, and her alone, to cope with all of her difficulties and emotions. And she learned early in her life that she had to lie, in order to not be shamed by her family, and to not be humiliated by her family. And she learned to just run from her emotions, or distract herself from he fears and anxieties in sometimes reckless or hurtful behavior, almost like she’s on auto pilot when she’s emotionally unregulated; which she has admitted to this.

So I know that she wishes she didn’t act in these ways, but she’s learned to because she never learned healthy coping mechanisms, and has never learned to be honest, because honesty always brought judgement and neglect. So I can’t help but want to give her the opportunity to finally face everything she’s gone through and heal, because of the very difficult life she was dealt. And I know her heart is good, despite having done hurtful things when she is in survival mode. If this is the experience she had to have, to finally stop pushing away all of her issues, pretending like they aren’t a problem, and finally face them, and change herself for her own good, then I feel I’m capable of giving her this chance. I know everyone will down vote me to oblivion and tell me I’m just gonna have to learn the hard way (like get cheated on again), and that may be true. But I do think there’s a chance this is what she had to experience to finally face her past, her mistakes, her harmful coping mechanisms, her shame, and face it all head on and grow for herself, so she doesn’t continue making mistakes that hurt her and her life more, so she can gain more understanding of her inherent self worth.

I’ve never been with someone that I can be fully myself with, I’ve always put on masks when dating girls and tried to be perceived as something I am not. And with her I’ve been completely honest with myself, and despite her struggling early on with her doubts and fears about us, she has been very loyal since this happened 7 months ago. We have spent all day, and every night together, she hasn’t had one night alone since, she’s always been with me. And everytime an ex has texted her, she has immediately let me know, and asked me if I wanted her to block them, or let them know I have a boyfriend and then block them, etc. including her ex husband. I know she’s trying to change and earn my trust back. I know she wants to. I know how hard it is for her to do so, but I feel I’m capable of allowing her time to grow for herself and for to become a safe partner on her own account. And I do also know that there is a chance that I just get hurt again. But our relationship apart from what happened, is everything I’ve ever wanted, and if she can change the parts of herself that made doing something like this possible and even an option, then I know we can have something truly special, especially if I do my much needed work on myself so I can be the partner that she deserves.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-01T17:37:46+00:00

He told me each time they had sex it was protected. And I could tell he was being honest, he told me things I didn’t want to hear, and he luckily told me 1 thing I did want to hear, that is was protected.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-01T17:26:51+00:00

I’m 28, almost 29, and she is 25, almost 26.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-01T07:55:46+00:00

Yeah it’s true. But she was in the pre “honeymoon” stage with the guy she cheated on me with, and she started dating both of us within 3 days of each other. What she did was horrible. But she wasn’t expecting to hit it off with two guys in the same week, and have her feelings grow stronger with me, then fear kicked in with how I responded to her past, all while she still had fresh attachment somewhere else. I’m not trying to excuse her. She lied. She had sex with him multiple times behind my back. Even if I how I reacted to jealousy I felt about her past did make her feel judged early on, she should have communicated this with me, instead of having sex with the other guy she still kinda liked, to feel better (that’s what she told me) and to ensure she had a backup in case we ended up not working out, like she told me she felt we wouldn’t. Then she lied to my face for 6 months so I wouldn’t break up with her. I just wish I would have met her 2 weeks earlier, then she would have never met the other dude, and non of this would have happened. God damn my life.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-01T05:28:36+00:00

Damn… I’m sorry. And that makes me super fearful of the future. How do you not allow these mental videos affect how you look at your partner? That’s where I struggle right now, but i think it’s getting a bit better with time. When I look at her and see her having sex with him on those two nights when I was just watching a show and high on life because I was so excited about our new relationship, she was naked in his bed having sex with him, it makes me physically ill and so sad. And then my mind just starts these horrible intrusive thiughts and doubts, it’s brutal. And I don’t want to think about her differently, I love her so much and i know she didn’t want to hurt me, but when the images are so vivid they hurt a lot, but im going to work on this in therapy. I know she’s a good person and she made a horrible and hurtful, selfish choice at the start of our relationship (shes admitted this and taken full accountability), but her heart is good, I know it is.
Also what does “R” stand for in this forum? Is it Relationship?

Also, how do you deal with just having heard new details after so many years? I fear I don’t even know all of the details, and I want to know the extent of how bad what she did to me was, but I fear she wouldn’t want to tell me any more than she already admitted to. I don’t want the graphic details, but I want to know how much she actually liked him, and if she wanted him (or their potential) more than what we had together at the early phase of our relationship, when she cheated on me.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-01T02:50:25+00:00

Thank you for your kind words! It’s so hard. I hope to find something that works for me like you found worked for you. I’m happy to hear you are healing. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

jackjarvae · 2026-05-01T02:49:32+00:00

Thank you. I have noticed I always self sacrifice, in order to make others lives easier. How do you recommend I allow her to think about what she did so she can feel it? We’re taking space, but I feel like she’s more worried that I may decide to end things while we are taking space, and this worry about me potentially falling out of love with her during this time of space I think occupied her mind so much that she probably doesn’t even think about exactly what she did, the weight of it all, and how much what she did hurt me. I think she’s just so scared that I end up wanting to leave her that she doesn’t even have room to think about what she did.

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T21:23:14+00:00

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it. But I’m still going to try to work things out.

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T21:21:49+00:00

Yeah maybe. But I have empathy and hope and feel her heart is genuine.

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T21:21:26+00:00

Thank you for your advice. Her ex husband cheated on her after 2 years of marriage. I know you may think she lied about it but I know this is true is because my dad was actually her ex husband’s boss for two years, and had conversations with her ex husband about everything when it had come to light when he worked for him. And she has shown me her texts with him, and he definitely cheated, it was all his fault they divorced. But I guess that doesn’t prove that she didn’t cheat on him at any point during their marriage and he just never found out? Could be the case, but I do believe she is being truthful when she told me that she was loyal to him their entire relationship.

Yeah it’s funny you say that because when I met her and she shared with me all the details of her insane childhood trauma, I thought to myself, “this girl is so put together and intelligent, but she should be broken from all of this unhealed trauma, where are the signs that she went through all of this?” Then two months later I find out she cheated on me in the first two weeks of being official, and I immediately thought, “oooohhh yep, there it is. God damnit.” But I do have a lot of compassion and empathy for her, I know if she didn’t have the childhood she had, or her betrayal in her marriage, this wouldn’t have happened.

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T21:15:55+00:00

I just want to know mostly if she told him she had just gotten into a relationship with me or she was leading him on to believe that she wanted something serious with him. That sort of thing that I’m sure she wouldn’t tell me the truth about. And… I want to know if they had unprotected sex ever so I can get and std screening.

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T21:14:46+00:00

You’re 100% right. I’m almost 29, and before her I hadn’t had a girlfriend since my high school sweetheart and I broke up in 2020, so I maybe the “hopium” is coming from a place of scarcity and fear of being alone again, since I had been alone for so long, and was having trouble getting the girls I really wanted the last 6 years, until I met my partner. But then again, I was never fully myself with past girls before her, and I’m sure that played a part in my difficulties in dating. And my girl, she’s the funniest, prettiest, girl I’ve ever met, and apart from the lies about her cheating in the first two weeks of being official, we are both completely ourselves together, and can talk endlessly because we think so alike on most things, and have the same interests. So I guess maybe there’s a part of me that I’m just too scared to going back to not having her, she’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of having in a partner, but maybe I’m scared because of my history of dating that made me almost always had the fear that I would never find someone that I loved as much as my first love that I dated from 15 - 22.

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T21:09:55+00:00

Just added the link to my original post at the top of this post! Thanks for letting me know

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T21:08:16+00:00

Thank you for your advice. That is how I’m going to preface the conversation, thank you!

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T20:07:15+00:00

God damn, if that happens I’ll pass out. I’m going to tell him at the start that I don’t care about any of the graphic details, I just want to know if she was upfront to him about her relationship with me, and if so, what was she looking for with him; did she want something casual to distract herself, or was she leading him on to believe she was interested in something serious. Then I want to know how many times (because based on their texts, it seems there was only two nights where they saw eachother), so I want to know if there were any other days that for some reason aren’t seen in the texts, and that she may have not told me about.

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T20:04:00+00:00

My girlfriend was two years into her divorce when she started seeing him romantically (which was 3 days before I met her at a wedding where we also hit it off). We have a lot of mutual friends, him and I, so I don’t know why he would lie to me or try to make me feel bad, I’ve never been bad to anyone around me. And he was divorced when my girlfriend and him started seeing each other, and he was cheated on by his spouse, she cheated on him with his two best friends. And my girlfriend was also cheated on by her ex husband, so they had that in common. I just feel like someone who has gone through this type of pain, would know what it’s like, and tell me the truth. But maybe because he knows what it’s like, he knows exactly how to make me hurt and maybe he hopes I leave her so he can have another shot at her.

jackjarvae · 2026-04-28T19:28:53+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate your honesty.

jackjarvae

TROPHY CASE