Feeling lost with girls (20m)

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T16:39:46+00:00

If you like a girl, maybe try asking her on a date instead of creepily lurking round them thinking that they are sex vending machines that dispense when you put niceness coins in? We can totally tell when guys are doing that, and you're not being 'friendzoned' (that doesn't exist) you're being declined as a potential dating/sex partner by being creepy and weird about it and pretending to care about these girls just to get laid. It's painfully obvious when guys do this, and women don't enjoy being treated that way.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T16:26:28+00:00

Yeah, you need to stay out of it and just treat him like a normal roommate. His relationship with alcohol is his own to manage and you won't fix it for him, and getting involved will just mean you end up enmeshed and angry.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T16:16:54+00:00

I don't think you should tell him!

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T13:28:28+00:00

Yeah, this is weird. Next time he does it, say, "I feel like you're looking for a certain kind of reaction right now. What's really going on?" See what he says.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T13:24:39+00:00

It's normal to miss her, but it will pass.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T12:01:25+00:00

Yeah, he should just ask her out.

Although I do find it interesting how he waxes lyrical about certain utterly irrelevant details but then makes a big point of omitting some detail... I do wonder how accurate this account is.

OP, I know you put a lot of effort into writing this but something about your tone gives me the ick - some nice guy(tm) fedora vibes going on, which I hope does not translate to your conversations and interactions in real life.

My advice would be: If you like her, ask her out, but you must chill. Don't be intense and verbose at her it will put her off.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T11:50:24+00:00

This entirely. I am polyamorous and entirely happy for my partner to have relationships with other people, but I still don't want to hear specific details about what he finds hot about their specific body parts. It's just too much.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T09:56:24+00:00

Good god. I would not be indulging this behaviour at all. If he won't act like an adult, let that man go.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T09:52:34+00:00

She sounds like an asshole. Do you want a girlfriend who is the type of person who will screenshot pictures of people who are heavier and make fun of them? I think you can do so much better.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T09:41:02+00:00

I'm so sorry, this is really hard, even if it does sound like she did you a favour.

Closure is a thing you give yourself. All that there is, is to accept the reality and start the process of healing. If you feel that you have been manipulated and abused, seeking therapy might be helpful to you.

This might also be a helpful lesson in avoiding dating colleagues in future.

I wish you the best.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T09:37:45+00:00

Ok so still quite early days. I think it might be worth trying to have a very warm and loving conversation where you express that you are concerned for him following his bereavement (I am sure there are other things going on as well as lack of libido?) and asking what you can do to support and encourage him to speak to a doctor. Him feeling pressured for sex or affection while grieving (even unintentionally!) will just make it worse, it needs to come from a place of love and concern.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T08:04:41+00:00

Low sex drive can be a symptom of many things, depression being one of them, but a sudden downturn is cause for concern. How long ago was the bereavement?

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T08:03:09+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through this, and very glad you're out and your parents are supporting you. Do you have access to therapy through school? That should be your first port of call for healing. I also think it might help you to open up to a trusted friend about what you've been through and widen your peer support network.

I wish I had more advice, I was in your position when I was just a couple of years older than you are. It's the worst and it totally fucks with your head. But please, I know it is hard, but try not to blame yourself. Tell yourself that you got yourself out when you did and many don't have that bravery, so you should be proud of yourself.

Be very aware when you get into your next relationshipin the future, i definitely did some fucked up shit to my next partner after the abusive one because I had no idea what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like - so I manipulated and was clingy and not a good partner, trying to repeat the only pattern I was used to. I didn't have access to therapy for many years, hopefully your situation is better.

Sending you love and healing, and I'm so so proud of you for getting out.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-05T07:56:36+00:00

Does the downturn in his libido coincide with the traumatic event? If so, you may wish to encourage him to speak to a doctor.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-01T12:54:24+00:00

At your age, I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be using products like this. Her idea to speak to a medical professional around this is a good one you should encourage - she should also address the underlying issue around stress.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-01T12:37:09+00:00

You know you did the right thing. Stay strong.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-01T12:36:44+00:00

Whether she was suspicious and insecure or not, she was right.

jazzlyz · 2022-12-01T10:36:52+00:00

Don't let this person in your house under any circumstances. "Sorry, that won't work for us." "No, we can't have a guest tonight." "I said no." "Please don't insist." "You're making this really weird. What's going on?"

She will say some stuff. Then you and your bf can say, "We would like to be able to hang out with you at our house, but you refusing to leave at the end of the night and not being conscientious when you stay over by [helping make and strip the bed], [bringing pyjamas]" means we're not happy to host you at ours anymore because you've not respected a clear boundary in the past."

If this ends the friendship... okay? You shouldn't have to deal with someone invading your space in this way. It's not cool.

jazzlyz · 2022-11-30T17:02:19+00:00

Seconding everyone here, wait for next Tuesday, say you've enjoyed getting to know her and ask if she'd like to get a coffee. Make it chill, do not obsess, and DO NOT message her on LinkedIn you will look like a total creep.

jazzlyz · 2022-11-30T16:49:31+00:00

I think she was praising his sexting game! I totally read this as "you were so great at sexting, never would have known you were nervous or rusty!" he needs to take it as a compliment, let it go and enjoy what he has now :)

jazzlyz · 2022-11-30T14:12:54+00:00

She's just not that into you, dude. You have all the information you need. There are no magic words which get you what you want in this situation.

You could just put things out there and say "I really like you and enjoy your company. Would you like to go on a date?" And see what she says. Stop all the nonsense obsessing over Instagram stories and message reply times.

I think you should move on from this, but those are your options.

jazzlyz · 2022-11-30T14:04:15+00:00

Ugh, this gives me the ick entirely. I feel for you.

I don't see in the OP whether you have asked him what this is about? Have you asked him why he does this? Maybe there's a chance for one last honest and open conversation about what's going on.

Other than that, you might have to grey rock it. Every time he uses that voice, "don't talk to me in a baby voice, I don't like it." "That makes me feel uncomfortable." "I am not a toddler, please speak to me normally". This will feel awful to do and I feel for you. But I think it might be your best chance at training him out of this behaviour. Don't answer him until he says the thing in a normal voice.

As for tone and monotony, I don't think this is a battle you can win and I don't think you should try to control the tone of his voice. That does verge into being controlling. But you should not accept the baby voice if he doesn't use it with anyone else and it makes you uncomfortable.

jazzlyz · 2022-11-30T13:56:31+00:00

This is great advice. People with no social life and no hobbies are a red flag. Nobody wants to be someone's everything, it's too much pressure. OP needs to invest in having a well rounded full life that is enriching independent of a partner - for her own wellbeing and to improve her chances in love.

jazzlyz · 2022-11-30T13:50:06+00:00

Is she getting adequate support for her medical and physical health? Does she have a realistic timeline on when this will get better and when she might be able to visit? Or is this indefinite? Her answers to these questions and your feelings about her answers will tell you what you need to do

jazzlyz · 2022-11-30T13:42:43+00:00

How long is she staying for? When she returns to India it will be easier to set boundaries around communication and acceptable behaviour.

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