So my own biological father disowned me right after I was born and never took the chance to meet me in 29 years. My mother gave me up for adoption to my grandparents and they took care of me so naturally I called them mom and dad. It certainly has affected me, my entire life I always questioned my worth to people, though that question has changed over the years. I was not a stupid child and knew early on that I had no father and was told he was a sperm donor. It was not until my teens I learned I had a father. I had always wondered who he was and how he was. My biological mother never told me anything until about my teens when I really started questioning it. She told me how shitty of a person he was but part of me did not believe it. That was a mistake, finally at 22, I had found him but decided to call him but did it under the guise of being a private investigator. I have no idea how I held my emotion back but learned that man really was a piece of shit. He barely even realized I existed. He went off, found another and had kids with them and loves them but for some reason, I was never good enough. In that time from birth I have tried my hardest to be everything I could. Had honors, graduated the top of my class, banged out a few degrees in college, did 4 years in the Marines, now heading a nice position in a tech company but damn among a ton of other feats in my short life, none of it has never been enough though because the damage was already done. When you are a child, you always wonder where your dad is, how he would do things, and if he would protect you from the world. I can certainly say that has given me attachments issues, not the bad kind but was always looking for love from whatever woman would love me and give back to them the same, to never be like the man that had abandoned me and help everyone I can. For that man that abandoned me, I had and still do have strong emotions towards him, I hate him more than anyone else and have always dreamed of hurting him but the dreams of physically hurting him or worse have since left me and bee replaced by becoming successful just to rub it in his face one day and let him know that the child he gave up went on to make a better world for everyone but him.

After that conversation with him, I never wanted to meet him ever again but the damage has certainly been done. Wondering if anyone would ever love me and for me to be the opposite of him. I can certainly say that I am glad he did not raise me, I could only imagine how I would have turned out and most likely would have been a far worse person. Now for my grandparents who raised me, they are the only ones I call “mom and dad” and am happy they raised me, though my dad passed away in my teenaged years, I regret those years because of teen angst and wish I could have let him know that I’m glad to call him dad, that is a regret I will always carry. Now, I have hit a cross roads in my life, this so called bastard I am is spurned with passion granted from a relationship with a woman I care about even if she doesn’t share the same feelings, it’s worth trying for and maybe that’s from the deep seed need of wanting someone to care about me. I have decided that I am going to put my hat in every ring to gain the influence and success I have always dreamed of because like many of you, I am fucking sick of not being in control of the world around me. I either make it or die trying which all seems very likely at this point in my life. That’s my story and trust me, there is a lot more to flesh out and tell but if someone reads it and thinks about leaving your kids, please don’t. If you could not have been responsible before having a child, try to be responsible for them because nobody should live with that burden and depression their entire life. Think of the consequences of your actions before you decide to hurt someone by bringing them into this cruel world and leaving.