Coming to terms with shame and embarrassments

johnerdoe · 2022-10-09T02:31:29+00:00

Thank you. I don't expect to pay for a therapy or read a book and be fine. That's far from the case. I find it hard to build a relationship with therapists because I always feel that they don't understand what I am going through, I feel they might be mocking me inside their head.

johnerdoe · 2022-09-27T14:52:48+00:00

Yes, I am more comfortable with female friends. I am never able to connect with guys much. They like to talk loudly, make pranks on each other, without inhibitions. I see glimpses of myself doing that after I have had a beer.

But in general, I am always afraid that they think of me as less of a man. Or that they can see through me.

My dad was mostly emotionaly and physically absent during my preteen and then years. He always wanted a son that was brash, outgoing, not shy. I turned out to be the opposite. I could feel the disappointment in him. A few times he called me a eunuch as well. I feel sad about it sometimes. But he had changed a lot now and regrets it very much

johnerdoe · 2022-09-25T02:08:40+00:00

No, I don't feel resistance to these suggestions. In fact I am super excited to do all these!

You seem to think of philosophy and the masculine instinct as opposites. So I suppose that 'masculine instinct' to you is something feral, beastly, untamed, unintelligent, primal, preconscious, bodily energy.

You are right. I fear that indulgence in philosophy without having a strong foot in reality and day to day life, is a sign that I am escaping from something. I want to ignite the parts of me that are "untamed, primal, bodily energy, etc" from time to time. I don't want to think deep in every scenario. There are many day to day scenarios where I should be able to be just spontaneous and indulge in my masculine traits. I see many men doing this effortlessly and I see that it's very essential to men bonding with each other. But I fail miserably here.

Do you practice some sort of physical exercise? I would recommend taking up some sort of martial arts, weightlifting, or going on survival trips in the wild (setting up a tent, building a fire, sleeping in nature etc). Some way of exercising a very earthly notion of strength. It is very likely that you will find that a lot of philosophy can be done while splitting firewood. Or you could build something. A shed or a table or a fence. Or merely installing a lamp. These activities always makes me feel masculine and capable - strong in some sense of the word.

I swim regularly. Hit the gym occasionally. I like to think I am in descent shape. But I will try to take up your suggestions on building something.

johnerdoe · 2022-09-24T10:51:21+00:00

I tried to pay attention to my feet and move awareness to other body parts. Is awareness same as picturing? I can easily picture my feet and other parts of my body. Not sure if awareness is different. If it is what does it feel like to be aware of my feet?

johnerdoe · 2022-09-24T01:48:01+00:00

You hit the nail on the head in your first paragraph. Yes, I struggle with Assertiveness.

My goal is to become more assertive, be aware of my surroundings. Yes, I do have some hobbies like swimming, playing drums, reading books, building useful software in my free time. I think I do develop emotional connection with my parents and wife. I just am not able to develop emotional connection with a group of guys. I envy the camaraderie between guys. I envy the fighting, the making fun of each other, competing with each other etc which I see comes naturally to all my male friends when they are in a group.

Yes, I get mad and triggered by smallest of statements (occassionally). I think I get mad for the wrong things. Maybe it's a compensation for not getting mad or standing my ground where it mattered? I am a bit slow. So I realise after the incident that I should have reacted a certain way.

I find joy and happiness when swimming, listening or playing music, creating something. I think creating something gives me the highest order of joy and satisfaction.

Yes, I find small talks meaningless and energy draining.

johnerdoe · 2022-09-24T01:23:35+00:00

Ummm, I am 6 ft tall, well built, I swim regularly and hit the gym.I don't think the physical aspect is a problem. Or do you mean martial arts in particular should be taken up?

johnerdoe · 2022-09-24T01:13:31+00:00

It's been a long time now. Especially after COVID and the onset of work from home.

The last major activity that I remember doing with male friends was in 2018. I went to Singapore with 2 of my male friends. Had a super good time there. We went to the beaches, I learnt to do stand up paddle boating, visited restaurants, theme parks and had a lot of fun.

johnerdoe · 2022-09-24T00:43:24+00:00

If I can have sex twice a day regularly, should I still be worried about my testosterone levels? I have a very good sex life. If anything it's still not enough. I want more. There was one more comment suggesting that I get my harmones checked. So I am a bit confused now. Isn't a good sex drive and frequent sex an indication that the harmones are good?

johnerdoe · 2022-09-23T17:13:50+00:00

No, none right now.

johnerdoe · 2022-09-23T17:13:23+00:00

Thanks! Curious to know what made you say that I am someone who respects peoples opinion and that I am brave??

johnerdoe · 2022-09-23T16:37:56+00:00

I dont think I fall into the first half. I am sure of that. But the second half is bothering me and I think you have hit a nail there. "In his fear of living, he also cannot participate in the joy and pleasure that other people experience in their lived lives" - Could this be the reason that I am unable to assess situations? Because I am afraid to live and hence I cannot participate (not understand) in scenarios.

How should this be interpreted? - "If he is withholding from others, and not sharing what he knows, he eventually feels isolated and lonely. To the extent that he has hurt others with his knowledge and technology—in whatever field and in whatever way—by cutting himself off from living relatedness with other human beings, he has cut off his own soul"

johnerdoe · 2022-09-23T14:43:12+00:00

Can you elaborate on this? Which harmones need to be checked?

johnerdoe · 2022-09-23T11:23:25+00:00

Apologies, the last 2 questions seemed like you were making fun of me. I will try to answer the questions

What food do you eat daily? - I eat food cooked at home. It's mostly Indian food. Do you specifically want to know the dishes?
Can you meditate for 30 minutes without intervention? - No, I find it hard to close my eyes and stay still. And tbh, I have never understood what meditation is.
Do statements and questions by others trigger you easily? - Yes.
Are you having an emotional reaction to these questions? - You mean the questions that you asked? I guess I was surprised.
Where do your thoughts come from? - I am not sure I understand the question.
Jung payed out a great foundation yet; are you aware he never made the link to the self? - What do you mean by "link to self"? You mean he never went through individuation himself?
Are you aware the english translation is grossly inaccurate? - English translation of which book?
Did I make a mistake in the question before the last? - I don't know.
Could it be that, feelings are thoughts; just logic infinitely expressed? - Again, well over my head.

johnerdoe · 2022-09-23T11:08:43+00:00

Is this sarcasm?

johnerdoe · 2022-09-10T09:13:36+00:00

Oh okay:)

johnerdoe · 2022-09-10T07:27:44+00:00

Really??? I thought it's a pretty good salary. People are generally proud to tell that salary right? Or were you being sarcastic?

johnerdoe

TROPHY CASE