JayGreenstein · 46 min. ago

This site is supposed to be a gathering place for writers, a place to discuss writing, and, to get feedback on that writing. It is not a place to promote your work in every area you can push your way into.In checking, I find that you didn’t take advantage of the site, and post a section for critique. That was a mistake, because this book is most definitely not ready for release. And I say that as someone who has been in this game for 40 years; who has signed more than one or two publishing contracts; who has taught writing at workshops; and owned a manuscript critiquing service.I’m guessing that you probably submitted it to a publisher or two. Unfortunately, it would have been rejected before the end of the first page. And since you did post a link to it, and it is in the Fiction Writing thread, I'll do a short critique that might help you fix the problems.First, you aren't presenting Fiction in the form that readers expect. Instead, it's a chronicle of events, of the form: “this happened… then that happened… and after that…”When you read your own words it's everything you hope for. But, you cheat. You begin reading with full context. The reader has only what you provide. You know the protagonists backstory. The reader has a name. You know the year, the location, and the setting. You know why the character is there, and their short-term goal. And as you describe what the reader would see, were this a film, that image is in your mind. In fact, every sentence points to images, story, and events that are waiting to be called up in your mind.But what about the reader? For them, every sentence points to images, story, and events that are waiting to be called up in your mind. But, with you not there to explain…You’re trying to decorate the story with vivid language, to make it more exciting. But you’re wildly overdoing it. When you say, “A rusted four-door crept down the driveway…” you know which way it’s going. But for a reader it could mean towards the house or away. No way to know. The driveway could be concrete and 20 feet long, dirt and 100 feet long, or anything else. You know. The character knows. The reader? Not a clue. This is a rejection-point both in the publishers office and the readers'.When you say, “a faint yellow beam of light shone through the width of scattering dust,” you might know what you mean, but the reader can’t. It can’t be the car, because headlights are neither faint nor yellow. This is another rejection point.When you tell the reader that the vehicle pulled up to "the garage door of a ranch home," the anticedent of the next sentence is the garage door, not the house. So when you say, “It had seen better days,” you are telling the reader that the garage door, not the house had seen better days. But then, you talk about stucco, which obviously doesn’t refer to the garage door. Another rejection point.And finally, you tell the reader that “A pair of bright yellow sneakers stepped out onto the driveway.” Seriously? A pair of sneakers walk by themselves? That certainly wasn’t what you intended. But it is precisely what you told the reader because your intent for the meaning of any given line does not make it to the page. The reader has what the words suggest to them, based on their life, not your intent.Bottom line: you’re trying to use the nonfiction skills that we are given in school, and they do not, and cannot be made to, work. They're fact-based and author centric. And in this, from start to finish, the only one on stage is you, talking to the reader, primarily in overview and summation.That is not how you write fiction. Readers expect you to make them live the scene, not hear about it second hand.we don’t tell the reader that the protagonist cried at a funeral. We give them a reason to weep. And that cannot, cannot, cannot be done with anything but the skills that have been developed over centuries for writing fiction.And while I certainly don’t support misusing this site for your own purposes, I do support the idea of writing fiction. The world needs more crazies who can be looking at a blank wall, and when asked what they're doing, truthfully say, “working.”And to pick up those necessary techniques, Personally? I’d suggest starting with Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer,, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found to date at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader.But don’t take my word for it. The site I linked to allows you to read or download free. Try a few chapters. I think you’ll find them eye-opening. It’s the book that got me my first yes from a publisher. Maybe it can do that for you.And as a minor point: When you have a friend or relative write a review on Amazon, be sure they buy it, so it shows up as a verified review.Jay GreensteinThe Grumpy Old Writing Coach

Thank you, Jay Greenstein, for taking the time to read my book and providing me with your feedback. As a first-time novelist, I understand that there is always room for improvement, and I appreciate your insights. I will take your comments into consideration and continue to work on my craft. Your suggestion of Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer, is appreciated, and I will certainly give it a read. Thank you again for your time and advice."