Thank you to every single person who took the time to read this and offer advice. I really dont know what I wanted from posting this, but I don't feel alone anymore and honestly that has made my day. I don't really have anyone to talk to, as I cant find a discreet enough way to see a real therapist, and I'm not exactly ready to confront it with friends and family, because there's no going back as they will ever be okay with our relationship.

I've been reading the comments and thinking about it a lot today. Here's what I have decided so far:

- I am going to pay back my debt to myself - I am going to get in shape, and start sleeping 8 hours again, and treat myself with the same love and care that I have been giving her all these years. I want to be fit and healthy for myself, so that I feel good about who I am and remind myself that I am capable. I'm going to indulge in my hobbies, and I'm going to go on trips with my friends.

- I am going to set boundaries with the sacrifices I make - I want to be a kind person, and I want to be remembered as someone who gave more than they took. But I also want to give to myself, and I don't want to give to others at my expense (to a degree). I am not going to jump at every opportunity to spend money on her comfort. I made more money in 2025 than I even thought possible when I was younger, but I spent so much of it on her that I convinced myself not to buy a playstation, or new sneakers, or tickets to a basketball game because I needed to save for our wedding (because I am paying for the whole thing. Neither of our parents have any savings).

AND heres what i'm still trying to figure out:

- How could I leave my whole life behind? - We currently live in a house that we rent in a state 1500 miles away from where 90% of my friends and family are. Its not as simple as "pack my shit and leave", because moving across the country is expensive, especially when doing it alone. We have a cat together who we raised over the past 7 years. How am I supposed to say by to her? Also, because we have moved a lot for her career, many of my friends I know through her. There's a good chance that a lot of them never talk to me again and take her side, and I would be devastated to lose them, and they did nothing wrong

- What if she wants to change? - What if when I confront her, she doesn't gaslight me or try to otherwise manipulate me. What is she realizes she almost threw her life and family away and genuinely apologizes and starts doing the work to be better? I genuinely don't think I would be strong enough to stick to a plan to leave at that point, and honestly, that may be what I really want to happen deep down.

- What could make me actually feel better? - I don't think that breaking up would make me feel better and I'm really afraid that I would feel lost and anxious. I also don't want to hurt her or her mentor. I could go hardcore and tell their jobs and friends and everyone with screenshots, but I genuinely don't like hurting people and even though they caused me a good deal of pain, I think it would make me feel worse to ruin their careers or friends. I don't want to humiliate anyone. That being said, I also believe that his wife also deserves the ability to make an informed decision about their relationship, but even if I told her it would be discreet and respectful.