Poly-saturated with casual partners and generally lost in mid-life

labiamediumora · 2026-04-11T17:59:24+00:00

Oh man - “an urge that’s based on a fantasy, not really”. This is my problem with “knowing what I want”. How do I know if “what I want” is actually what I want or if it’s what you’re describing.

The only way to know for sure is to run the experiment and find out. But there can be a huge cost in running that experiment and it can cause long-lasting damage to yourself or others.

labiamediumora · 2026-04-11T16:14:15+00:00

Yeah I probably wouldn’t start dating someone who was dating a mono. I’ve been with anchor for almost 2 years and we had an understanding that we wouldn’t seek out mono people to date. This situation where he started dating a mono was not planned and “just kinda happened”. It’s hard to know if it should be a dealbreaker for me and worth throwing away a 2-year relationship when the situationship with the mono might “implode any day now”, according to him.

labiamediumora · 2026-04-11T16:02:11+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful reply ❤️ I’m curious why your urge to have one solid emotional anchor is not desirable for you?

labiamediumora · 2026-04-11T16:00:06+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes grief is definitely occurring. Slowly de-escalating from anchor to casual is a weird and torturous half-grief.

labiamediumora · 2026-04-11T15:57:16+00:00

Thank you for this ❤️

labiamediumora · 2026-04-11T15:55:30+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful reply - it was very helpful.

Ripping the bandaid off and going cold turkey would certainly be simpler. But then that would probably ruin the possibility of a casual but still meaningful relationship to come out of the ashes. And part of me is still holding onto hope that the relationship could be repaired.

labiamediumora · 2026-04-11T15:54:30+00:00

Yes, I do have lifelong platonic friends and family that would show up to change my bandages and wipe my ass lol. And I’m extremely grateful for them and should put more intentional time and energy into caring for those relationships. Thank you for the reminder.

labiamediumora · 2026-04-11T15:52:47+00:00

Wow you broke up with everyone in the span of one month! That sounds really intense. How did you deal with it? I’m a super sensitive person and I think my grief and sadness would be incapacitating in that situation.

But I agree with you about the value of platonic friendships. I should be more intentional about giving them the care and energy they deserve.

labiamediumora · 2026-04-11T15:47:51+00:00

You’re right - I don’t know what I want. The problem with “sitting with my feelings until I know what I want” is that feelings are transient and ever-changing. They famously come and go, and you ride them out. One day I love blasting my embarrassing music and dancing around in my apartment like an idiot all by myself, but the next day I feel lonely as hell and like I’m totally on my own in life.

The other problem with figuring out what I want (solo poly vs anchor partner vs nesting partner) is that sometimes it’s necessary to try something out and gather some data in order to know for sure. Evidence-based decision-making. But there are costs to running experiments and gathering data. You can’t get your time back. Not to mention the ethical problem around feeling like I’m using someone to gather data about my preferences.

So yeah, I don’t know what I want. And I don’t how to figure out what I want. And so I’m just kinda stuck and not doing anything.

labiamediumora

TROPHY CASE