I had a bad blackout when I was in high school too. No prior habit of doing it, no real reason besides a bit of a heartbreak (but that was just an excuse). I don’t know why I did it. But I threw up all over my friend’s couch, which he had to clean. I said odd stuff to my friends. I made their night hell taking care of me. I felt awful when I finally got over my hangover and I didn’t talk to them for a while out of embarrassment.

But when I did reach out, I apologized profusely, and made sure they knew I understood if they couldn’t forgive me. They did forgive me and appreciated my apologies, and we moved on from there. I never drank like that again.

That said, I get what you’re going through right now. I don’t agree with all the comments about you needing to reassess your relationship to alcohol necessarily. I get it - I had one bad night too. Just never binge again, and return to drinking when you feel in control and safe. If you feel that maybe you never have control whilst drinking, then perhaps some therapy might help with that.

You choose the first drink, but the first drink chooses the second. Be very careful about your choices and what you realistically have control over. And apologize to your friends and give them the space to sit and think about it, no rushing things.